You Know You're a Mall Ninja If...

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I found this on Glock talk

Wow...I've always dreamed that someday I could join a awesome team of super sweet CCWers. I have ninja skills, bo staff skills plus I spent a winter in the arctic shooting wolverines with a freaking 12 gauge, so I should be a tacticool addition to your team. Of course, at around 32 inches my waist is barley half your "tactical" recomendation, but I hope you'll make an exception. I'd like to volunteer to become your designated marksman, my weapon of choice will be a handi rifle chambered for .300 win mag with an 18 inch barrel that I'll carry in a suitcase made of bullet proof ceramic plates. When we come under fire I figure you guys can throw out smoke grenades while I "catch rounds" with the trauma plates I'll keep duct taped to my back while I assemble the rifle. Then I'll return fire, taking out the sentries with well placed "brain stem shots" that I learned about during my super sweet 3 hour CCW course that was taught by a guy who's brother's ex girlfriend's cousin new a guy who used to be in SEAL team Delta,( back when they had to buy all their AK's and Glocks on the black market, becuase they just took the M-9s and M-16s they were issued and threw them away becuase they weren't nearly "tacticool" enough). Then you guys lay down "glazing fire" with your Glock 27's (with bar-sto .357 sig barrels) while I run into Bin Laden's cave (running along the ceiling because I'm wearing my super secrete ninja boots with spikes that let me walk up walls) and subdue him using the ASP baton I keep duct taped to my right calf and an oversized can of bear mace.

P.S. I don't think we need government funding because there is a 25 million dollar reward on Bin Laden's head, so I think, since we have a realistically workable and tactically sound plan, it should be no trouble to find private investors to fund our trip. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go CCW at Wal Mart while I purchase duct tape and bear mace.

i bears remakable resemblance to another mall ninja post on the highroad. idk if its the same or just very similar.
Sounds to me, like someone here works the mall security
detail, and has absolutely no sense of humor.
Hey, you have no idea how hard my job is.

The last few weeks, I've been having to work undercover. Turns out a gang of Armenian ex-special forces types are planning a covert raid on the EB Games shop to hijack the Wii.

It took alot of "creative interrogation" to get one of them to break, but hey, them's the breaks. This isn't Guantanimo; this is REAL LIFE, and some of us have to make our own rules for the greater good.

I've been doing 12-hour shifts in a Santa suit, since this gives me the best vantage point from which to observe the bustling crowds. It also helps that the large red suit allows me to conceal my usual duty gear without spooking the "normals."

In case you're wondering, my duty gear includes a Mossberg 12-gauge (which I took off a perp trying to jack t-shirts at Hot Topic. It was a pitched battle, but that's a story for another day), six strategiacally-placed cans of OC, one Glock 20 on each hip (I tried the .45GAP, but in a showdown with some Triads at Dairy Queen, it failed to blow their ragged bodies across the room like the 10mm does), and a Glock 18, which was given to me by Jeff Cooper himself after admitting he "couldn't handle it." He knew I could.

We found that the old tactical golf carts were too slow for the types of deployments we need, so now we've got special armor-plated Segways with nitrous boosters and handlebar-mounted TOW's.

Until recently, I kept a Desert Eagle on my right ankle as a "hold-out" piece, but after a 4-year-old piddled on my lap, it leaked into the gun, and it hasn't fed very well since. I sprayed the little #&*$, and when his mother slapped me, my team wrestled her to the floor, and we had both of them arrested for assault.

You can laugh now, but the real operators are out there in the nation's malls, putting our lives on the line so you can shop in safety.
You put picatinny rails on your matte black duracoated tacti-toaster (as we in the buisness like to call them) so that you could put an ACOG on it.

You laugh, but in a low-light situation, you wouldn't see a thing, and let me tell you, when I lift the toast lever (lightened to a crisp 1.5 ounce lift pressure), I know EXACTLY where that toast is going to fly.

I've also altered the toast slots so that the bread flys end over end causing maximum "butter splash" on impact.
You buy "Strike Bezel" flashlights that look like this:

. . . . if your training program consists of "going to the range more."

. . . . if your physical fitness regime consists of laps to the sofa to the frig.

. . . . if you carry a pistol but cannot see your shoes because of your gut.

. . . . if you consider El Tejon as a Tactical Demigod.
haha gew someone at my job tried showing me one of those. I dont see much point lol

And el tejon isn't a tacticool demigood? :(
Your friends call you the human pear:

People don't shoot you at paintball/airsoft games because you're "too easy".

You practice laser sighting on your sister with a full mag so when SHTF you're ready:

You wear green camo clothes in the city. Where it's grey. Everywhere.

Every other sentence out of your mouth refers to someone you know who knows someone else who is in law enforcement.

When you spot a policeman giving out a speeding ticket, you seriously think about going over to "cover his back".

You spot a policeman eating lunch with his back to the entrance and scoff at his "condition white".

When a homeless person asks you for change at the drivethrough, you shove your gun in their eye. (just kidding frostbiker...;) )
You won't ever let a production company tape a rip-off of "The Dating Game" because you once saw "Mall Rats" and decided, "NOT IN MY MALL!"
i'm in trouble now
i DO consider El Tejon a tactical demigod...

time to get out my ceramic plates
(i always carry mine in a backpack,
that way they are in position ready when stacking my precision long distance weapon
and i took my throw-down from a pogue who was hitting the Dollar Store
for mini-laundry detergent boxes to use to make IED's
The strike bezel is 'out' for those in the 'know' - BTW.

I'm slightly confused - what defines the difference between the well dressed ninja and the poser.

If you go to some legit tac outings like the NTI - under modest concealment you will find two guns (big and bug), spare mag, the two knives, the OC, the Surefire, the cell phone and maybe a photon light flashlight bug. You see a room of thirty folks looking quite normal (except for the Condition yellow scanning like the top of the USS Nimitz). But the hardware is there. BTW, I was in the the fancy cheese section of the up scale market today and saw a tough looking middle aged but fit guy with buzz hair, 5.11 pantoids and scanning and scanning. Quite a scowl! Wonder if he thought there would be JBT raid on the raw milk Brie de Meaux for being illegal.

One can wear such an array under a nice jacket and tie outfit? Does that make us nuts? :D :D
Only if it is in size XXXXL.:D

GEM, as to the distinction, I say let BMI be your guide. If you see that guy and he looks hard and not like a wheel of cheese (or looks like he eats wheels of cheese) then chances are he's the real thing.

However, if you see a guy dressed like that and he is riding a Walmart scooter, chances are he's a mall ninja.:D
You figure you can ignore all those AR fanboys, and carry 12 full magazines of 7.62x51 for your M-14 (furnished with a high-powered scope and custom stock), which you carry around all day while on patrol, looking for jihadists, who we all know can't be taken out by ten shots of 5.56, but will be dropped with a single 7.62. :neener:
oh my.....

the shrine of the mall ninja was hilarious! i laugh at the mall rent-a-cops enough already but now on my rare excursions to the mall i'll definitely be wearing full body armor and carrying my ar just in case. would 750 rds be enough or do i need more?
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