How Do You Fix Fear?

[deacon8]

Look, I am not trying to be rude at all here, but come on. One day, when guns haven't been a topic all day, set a hammer on the floor and ask her is she is scared of it. Most likely she will laugh and ask "why" in a confused manner. Then inform her, very bluntly, that being scared of a gun in the corner is the same, and equally stupid, as being scared of a hammer lying there. That mentality would be a big "no-go" for me. In fact, that way of thinking is worse than merely not liking guns.:banghead:

Either she has no common sense, OR she is trying to me dramatic and overly sensitive. By doing this, and if you pander to her "needs," she ultimately gains control. Women are great at this sort of thing. She doesn't like something based on nonsensical thinking, makes a big deal out of it repeatedly, therefore you remove gun. What's next? Next it will be your testosterone and ultimately your manhood.

Ok, ok. All I'm saying is--explain to her how and why tools don't harm people by themselves.

 

[Onward Allusion]

neoknight88
How Do You Fix Fear?

My girlfriend is afraid of guns to the extent that she didn't like me having my dad's M1903A3 in our bedroom for two weeks, and let me know about it the whole time.
<SNIP>
Does anybody have any suggestions for possible ways to get her to see what's going on, and alleviate her fear?

YOU don't fix her fear. Just like YOU are not going to be able to change her. Your GF will have to do it herself.

Ask yourself the question - How invested are you in the relationship? I may be a bit jaded, but unless your GF is "neutral" on guns, you will have a hard time convincing her either way.

 

[pioneer461]

Take her shooting. Better yet, find a woman who is a shooter and have her ask your girlfriend to join her. Let her start with a .22 at close range so she will be able to get instant, positive feedback. It is no fun if you can't hit the target. If she enjoys herself, I would advise that you not try to teach her the fundamentals, but hire a professional instructor with you not there. There will be less pressure and performance anxiety.

Fear and ignorance can only be fixed by education. Once she realizes that everything she has been told about guns is wrong, perhaps she will come around. Who knows, perhaps she will actually enjoy herself and come over from the dark side, into the light. One of the things my wife and I enjoy doing together, is shooting.

 

[TrakHack]

This is not difficult. She doesn't want to shoot. She doesn't want to learn about guns. She doesn't want to take a basic handgun safety class as she has evidently been educated to not touch the gun. None of these things qualify her as being overly dramatic or lacking in common sense. She has to live with guns, she doesn't have to like them.

To the OP, see if you can reach a compromise about where and how the guns are kept in the house or agree to disagree on the issue (and think about potential future issues, like teaching kiddos about shooting, spending money on guns, social activities where guns may be present, etc.). It's okay to love your guns as much as (or more than) you love your girlfriend, but she needs to know where she stands.

 

[youngda9]

If she's irrational about firearms, an inanemate(sp?) object, then she will be irrational about other things in life. You will find yourself fighting this battle over and over. So unless she is way out of your league, move on.

Others will disagree and tell you to spend your time converting them. Others will say it is just the culture or environment that she grew up in...that just means she can't think and form objective opinions on her own. Those are traits a person has, they apply to all things in life. They believe a certain thing and cannot explain why they do...it is just so.

 

[neoknight88]

So, if I understand correctly, you told her what she needs to do despite it being something she doesn't want to do, reminded her that where you live is clearly "your" house (otherwise the topic of guns in the house at all would be open for discussion, right?), and indirectly called her stupid? Really?

Sigh.

No. I asked her to consider the possibility of going to a firearm safety course, and she went, pardon the term, ballistic. She threw a damn hissy fit.

[RANT]As for it being my house, its actually my apartment as I'm paying the rent for the sonofabitch just so that we could continue living together. When I got a new job a few months back, I could have moved out on my own, and rented a place not even 3 miles from my work. But she wants to be around me for some reason I can't fathom, and because of that, I now pay an extra $130 a month just to have her around (and that's just the $130 from the extra rent for the place I'm renting now compared to the cost if I was by myself). That doesn't count the fact that I have to drive around 60 miles a day to get to and from work, or the extra maintenance my car requires because of the extra travel. [/RANT]

And as for "indirectly" calling her stupid, I would actually say that my phrasing (which is the same as I posted), is pretty direct.

 

[youngda9]

^^ Sounds like she knows just how to get her way. Step back, assess the situation, and make your move (was there a pun there).

 

[TrakHack]

And as for "indirectly" calling her stupid, I would actually say that my phrasing (which is the same as I posted), is pretty direct.

Wow. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but thanks for correcting my interpretation.

Cut ties and move on. Find a place to live close to work so you can spend more time with your guns. I'm not being sarcastic here, I pretty much did the same three years ago for a similar reason and have not regretted my choice.

 

[WifeofBleys]

I was afraid for a long time, too. But, as has been stated by other posters, set a good example, be understanding, talk to her about why she is afraid...don't make a big deal about her fear and at the same time, don't make a big deal of the fact that you may see her fears as unfounded. They are, after all, her fears. In the end, what "cured" me was not shooting my husband's .40 caliber P99 the very first time I fired a weapon. After that, I think I was even more afraid. What has cured me of my fear is that my husband bought me a .22 magnum revolver. I shot it for the first time about 2 weeks ago and I am hooked! I cannot wait to go out shooting again! I was a bit hesitant at first, I will admit...but I hit the target (an old, empty freon tank) on my first shot!!! I was so excited that I jumped around and danced. (I know, not the best idea, but I was just so darn happy!!!!!) Also, my husband has taught me about how to handle a weapon (he scolded me for the little dance I did....). So, all this being said, be patient with her. I was terrified of guns, I despised them....Now, I cannot wait to get back out to the cinder pit!! Maybe she will come around, too.

 

[AKPastor]

I feel for you. Lots of good (and some bad) advice. I can't add a lot, but maybe some hope. My wife was pretty afraid thanks to a father that took her shooting as a young girl and letting her hurt herself and generally creating a fear in her thinking it would protect her from his guns.

Anyway, she was always fearful about mine, but willing to allow it with not too much fuss. That all disappeared the day a bloodied drunk guy tried to force himself into our house and a gun helped convince him that he had business elsewhere (followed by a call to the police so they could pick him up.)

After experiencing real fear and knowing that the cops were far away and her husband was willing and able to defend her and our kids - she came right around. She knows how to shoot now and even practices, but she'll never love it. But I am confident that if I was absent and a BG came by, she can and will drop him.

 

[VPLthrneck]

its actually my apartment as I'm paying the rent for the sonofabitch just so that we could continue living together

she went, pardon the term, ballistic. She threw a damn hissy fit.

Is she contributing to the rent? If not tell her goodbye and think of the $$$$ you'd be saving on rent and all the headaches you'll save yourself.

Also, if she's going to fly off the handle on the suggestion that she attend a safety course, then what else will set her off later down the road? I'm not seeing any compromise on her side with this issue so before things get to far (i.e.: children or buying a house together) I'd be saying goodbye and right quick about it to.

 

[youngda9]

^^ Yes, he is being used and abused(taken advantage of $, and controlled) and doesn't even realize it.

Put her stuff on the porch and change the locks.

 

[RimfireChris]

For the OP-Move on partner, if she flew into a full blown hissy fit, as you put it, it seems like as not that the issue is never gonna be open for discussion. Given the other pressures in the relationship, distance from the job, rent and all, I'm firmly with TrakHack. It doesn't seem like this is even about guns as much as control. Good luck to ya.

 

[xXxplosive]

Although my wife was never opposed to firearms in the house, it only took one night to convince her...

Years ago.....3:00AM, Summer, Windows Open, she wakes me after hearing 2 men outside our bedroom window in the bushes discussing breaking into our house.

She dialed 911 while I sat vigil between our entrance ways in the dark with my Mossberg maxed out with 00 .......

You could almost say she was "Scared Straight".........now she has a range membership also.

 

[neoknight88]

After posting my response to this thread yesterday, I consulted with my dad, who knows me probably better than I know myself. He asked me a few questions that had merit and pertained to the topic at hand. After asking me how it might seem to my girlfriend, I came to realize that while I'm not "holding a gun to her head" about learning gun safety, I have been pushing on the topic of guns when she doesn't want to hear about it, or have anything to do with it. My dad pointed out that while yes, it is a rational point that since she lives in an apartment with guns, she should know gun safety, he also pointed out that fear/dislike is not rational. And then he went on to point out that she is willing to give me the space to own a gun myself, rather than being irrational to the point of trying to force me to sell my AK.

I posted what I did yesterday because I was out of sorts, and angry that I can't get her to think logically about guns. I've been irritated that we have different viewpoints on the topic of guns, since all of my gun owning friends have moved off, and the only person that I see and converse with on a daily basis is her. I think that she is willing to give me my space and let it be, even though she doesn't like the idea of a gun in the house. I have chosen not to pursue the course of trying to convince her of taking a gun safety class at the moment, and let the subject drop. I thank all of you for your support and suggestions, and hope that one day I will be posting that she went to the range and enjoyed it immensely. But until that day, I will let her have her space, and she will let me have mine.

 

[Girodin]

Education is in my experience the best way to fix fear. People are often afraid of things they do not understand. Conversely as people better understand things they tend to be less afraid, they still may not like them but that is different in kind from fear.

Potential issues however, are 1) someone may be so afraid that it acts as a serious impediment to education and 2) if someone doesn't want to be open to learning about something it is pretty difficult to make them

I dated a girl who was seriously terrified the first time I had a gun out in my hand with her in the room. She was freaking out. She however was open to and willing to learn more about them. We talked about gun safety a few times with no weapons in the room. She learned the 4 rules and the logic behind each of them and how difficult it would be to have a gun accident if one obeyed those rules. Later with a gun I had thouroughly demonstrated to be unloaded she began learning how it function and how to manipulate it. She then learned with snap caps how to load and clear it. She then learned how to aim and shoot. Lastly she learned how to clear malfunctions (there probably would have been more but we broke up lol). She went from hyperventilating at the sight of a gun to be reasonably competent.

She was open to it and I didn't push it and tried to make learning enjoyable and didn't really push it at times she didn't want to hear it.

I'd have a hard time getting along with someone that was not accepting of guns in that I own multiple and am typically carrying one. That said I think you are right that there is a difference between accepting and has to love it as much as you do.

Best of luck.