Not everyone likes rhymes, but...

[Oleg Volk]

Am I missing commas after "911" or around "12:06"?

 

[hrgrisso]

My Grammar is horrible

As everyone reading my story can attest to, but I love this poster! Oleg you've got to start making movie poster size poster we can order from you, hard backed etc. Man my house would be such a political statement! lol!

 

[BryanP]

Someone else may correct me, but I believe the comma should be moved so that it reads like this:


Around midnight she called 911,
but by 12:06 the fighting was done.
No time to wait for help to arrive,
so she used her rifle to stay alive.

 

[RNB65]

Forget the grammer, what kind of rifle is that? I've never seen one like it. It looks vaguely like an SKS with a bunch of other stuff on it.

 

[BryanP]

Forget the grammer, what kind of rifle is that?

She doesn't look like any grammer I've ever seen. But we are discussing Oleg's grammar.

That's a MAS 49 I believe.

 

[Rich K]

I like poetry.

 

[Oleg Volk]

Rifle info: http://olegvolk.livejournal.com/284851.html

 

[RNB65]

Damn, I just learned something. I thought Stoner invented the direct gas impingement system and it turns out some Frenchman named Rossignol invented it. Stoner just copied it for the AR. Fascinating...

p.s. Forget the GRAMMAR and spelling, tell me more about interesting guns!

 

[ArfinGreebly]

Hard To Improve On That

Just for the sake of cadence . . .

Near midnight she called 911,
by 12:06 was the fighting done.
No time to wait for help to arrive,
she used her rifle to stay alive.​

Changes "around" to "near" to knock off a syllable.

Drops the "but" in line two (fewer syllables) and moves "was" into a deliberately "poetic usage" position.

Drops the "so" from line four for syllable reduction.

Just my take.

Oh, and that's a great photo! Thanks!

 

[RNB65]

Changes "around" to "near" to knock off a syllable.

No, no, you don't want to do that. 'Round Midnight is a jazz classic. That's what it should be. Just drop the A.

 

[romma]

On Dasher on Dancer!!

 

[romma]

At quarta to one, da fightin' wuz done, no need for 9-1-1... Oh!

 

[TallPine]

In poetry, i Think you can Make up your own spelling, and punctuatioN rules

You do have a poetic license, don't you?

 

[romma]

In poetry, i Think you can Make up your own spelling, and punctuatioN rules

I sure do! It helps convey proper Brooklynese dialect...

 

[scout26]

Sounds like it could be one of Champaign County Rifle Associations "Burma Shave" Signs:

Around midnight she called 911,
but by 12:06 the fighting was done.
No time to wait for help to arrive,
so she used her rifle to stay alive.
www.gunssavelife.com


Great Poster

 

[Sage of Seattle]

I'm no pro, but I can write poetry pretty well and as far as my take is, there aren't really any grammar or punctuation rules in poetry. Punctuation is supposed to help with the meter and flow of the work; the stuff about setting off prepositional phrases and so on is only for prose, really. I rarely use punctuation in my own poetry. It's easier for me to read, but it can be difficult for others to get the right cadence down.

My own sense of rhythm would have Oleg's work read like this:

Just around midnight, she called 911
But by 12:06 the fighting was done
No time to wait for police to arrive
So she used her trusty rifle to help keep alive

 

[Neo-Luddite]

No commas needed--it will flow with natural pauses.

I wish I had snagged a MAS when they were common.

Oleg--that model is terrific. I know nothing about how photography works, especially the interpersonal dimmension, but her deadpan expression is great.

 

[GhostlyKarliion]

I like it Oleg, looks great.

 

[Standing Wolf]

Doggerel. Sorry.

 

[bogie]

Time to edit...

'Round midnight, she dialed 9-1-1
By 12:06, the fighting was done
While waiting for help to arrive
She used her gun to say alive.

I'd also switch to caps/lower case.

Or all lower case. Remember the audience.

 

[Oleg Volk]

Doggerel

Got suggestions for replacement text?

 

[Red Dragon]

Just a thought....opinion...you know, whatever...from one poet to another.

The way the rhythm feels in my mind, perhaps the only thing I would do is start the first line with " 'Round about midnight".
The last line could be "She used her rifle and she stayed alive"

Again, each poet has their own rhythm and feel for the poems so take any of my ideas for what they are worth, which is no more than anyone else.

 

[Blackbeard]

Simplify:

At midnight she called 911
By 12:06 the deed was done
At 12:15 the cops arrived
Thank her rifle she's still alive

 

[CountGlockula]

Here's my version:

 

[TallPine]

Oleg, are there rocks ahead?
If there are, we'll all be dead.
Hurry, quick! Dial Nine-One-One
If you speak English, please press one.
No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Anybody want a peanut?