Trikster,
For what its worth (probably not much) I used to have a loose shoulder and dislocated it a few times, so I understand why you'd be hesitant to just try different loads in your .38, and are looking for a new gun.
I usually carry a J-frame 38, and if you have the stock grips, it does kick quite a bit, so I agree that its probably not the right gun.
Thinking about how was littery SNAFU, and if I had a similar condition in my wrist, I'd carry a .22. I know a lot of folks say that a .22 isn't good for SD/HD, but the fact of the matter is that the human body was not designed to function with .22 caliber holes in it. Over the weekend I took a personal protection class at the range, and the guy teaching it (who I respect very much) said that if he could only have one gun, it would be .22 - you can do a lot with it, its adequate for defence, and the low recoil and cheap ammo makes for a lot of practise. Given the option of going to a gun fight with my 9mm/ shotgun, but the possibility of a dislocation, or going in with a .22, I'll take the .22.
Some of the .22s I'd look at would be the Walther P22, the new Ruger SP101 in .22, and the Kel Tec PMR-30. If you can find something in .22Mag and you can tolerate it, then I'd go that route. You also might be able to use a semi-auto .22 rifle for HD.
Hope this helps,
Chris "the Kayak-Man" Johnson