A Friend Passed Away

[xanderzuk]

A friend passed away yesterday when he took his own life with a gun. We were reasonably good friends (but in different fraternities). He had briefly dated my sister, but they remained close friends and was in my apartment less than a week ago.

It was something that came out of nowhere, and after I dropped my sister off at their mutual best friends house, I came home and broke down. I felt guilt on many levels, for many different things. I felt guilty that I couldn't have done something. I felt guilty that I owned a gun. 2+2 was not equaling 4 if you get my drift; everything was out of whack.

Today I came back to the conclusion that a gun is a tool, and that this beautiful young man would have passed away regardless of what tool he used. A gun can be the tool in very tragic things, but it can also save the lives of good people. It can protect my family and I.

I wish I could have known him better, but he has certainly already had a big impact on me, and helped me realize how many insignificant things we sometimes fill our life with (cell phones, flat screens, etc. etc.).

Go home and hug your son and daughter and tell them you love them. Call your parents and do the same. Let everyone you love know it.

God Bless His Soul.

 

[REPOMAN]

My thoughts and prayers are w/ you and the rest of the friends and family......

 

[Kingcreek]

You might not have known it, maybe nobody did, but this man had some deep troubles brewing for awhile leading up to this. suicide is complicated and personal and his choice alone. I've been to the edge of that abyss, but thank god never again.
a permanent solution to temporary problems...

 

[Rokyudai]

xanderzuk,

Thank you for your posting and my condolences to you and the boy's family. Times like this can challenge anyone's spiritual strength. You are right, sometimes logic can be temporarily suspended...grief is a complex state but you and yours can help each other through it. You are on the right track already by talking about it.

Prayers and strength to you,

Rok

 

[Blofeld]

My prayers go out.

 

[Vonderek]

That's a tragic loss. I'm sorry for you and the family that your friend left behind. I'm glad you came to the conclusion about the firearm being just a tool. Research has shown that a person intent on suicide will do so by whatever means is most immediate at hand, whether that be a gun, a rope, pills, or a bridge. If a gun had not been available to him he most likely would have still done the deed by other means.

 

[kingpin008]

Man, that's a hard thing to deal with. I've lost a friend to suicide as well (though his method was jumping off of an office building) and I know how many crazy things go through your head afterwards.

You're right though - he was likely going to do what he did regardless of what he ultimately used. People in that frame of mind, unless someone recognizes what's happening and gets them help (which with true suicidals, is extremely tough to do because they hide it so well) usually end up attaining their goal.

It's not your fault. Right or wrong, what he did was his personal choice, and you (or anyone else) aren't responsible for his actions. I know that hearing that probably doesn't make it hurt any less, but over time, the hurt will take care of itself. For now, remember him. Talk about him with friends, laugh about the good times.

 

[JohnL2]

A long time ago I use to work in photofinishing. This was when digital photography was still in its infancy. The police departments would sometimes send their crime scene photos to us to develop. I saw some pretty messed up stuff. I am glad I don't work in that anymore. Never will again.
Many years ago a friend and I liked to jam together with guitars, some people would just hang out with us. Didn't know them really well but they were welcome. Later I learned that for whatever reason one of the kids hung himself. I was shocked. He was the last person I would have suspected.

No matter how dark it gets, you have to remember that there is awesome stuff in this world. Don't ever forget that; don't ever let anyone dissuade you from what fills you with joy. It is your life. Not theirs.

 

[scrat]

Wow my thoughts and prayers go out to you

 

[bobbarker]

yeah, it will happen regardless of what tool is used. A Marine I spent 7 months with on deployment developed some serious drinking problems when we came back. Everyone knew about it, but, at the time, we didn't think it was a drinking problem really. Thought of it more as, "Making up for lost time." Somehow or another, they found out he was suicidal, and he wasn't allowed to have knives, or touch a weapon at all, and took his life in the barracks by hanging himself. What I'm trying to tell you is, that guilty feeling is natural. I felt it, we all did. We could have helped him out more, spent more time with him, tried to keep him from drinking as much, and keep his spirits up, and we didn't see the elephant in the living room. But the guilt passes. Quicker for some, and longer for others. My thoughts and Condolences to you.

 

[David904]

My second day in college, I received a phone call from my mom telling me that a friend of mine from high school had come home, parked the car in the garage, closed the door, and left it running until he was no longer running.

My next door neighbor was the ER physician who pronounced him. Supposedly, when Kevin was pronounced dead, all the ER staff - doctors, nurses, CNAs - called home to their families to tell them that they love them.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It was a tragedy and a waste of a young life full of promise - even if it may have been unrealized. Don't let yourself get hung up on the methodology of his demise. The gun was simply the exit route he took. It sounds to me like it wold have happened no matter what manner he chose.

I never knew it until after he died, but my friend had been taking medication for depression. Something, it seems, went wrong. I can't help but feel in my heart of hearts that he wasn't really in control of himself and his actions. I suspect your friend was in a similar situation. There wasn't any magic thing you could have said or done that would have prevented this tragedy. I suspect that this was just bad biochemical luck.

 

[KBintheSLC]

I'm sorry to hear of your friends tragic choice. I had a good friend off himself by gunshot about a decade ago. All I can say is don't weigh yourself down with guilt. A determined individual will succeed in suicide no matter what you do. If they do not have a gun, they will use a razor, pills, rope, high point, etc. Don't blame yourself, just say a prayer for his well being and try to begin letting go.

 

[Clipper]

Everyone has things they won't live with...I know (and so does my family) that I wouldn't want to live all vegged-out with alzheimer's, or in a physically decaying state that would leave me unable to do for myself, and if possible, I would do away with myself with a gun. It's fast and relatively painless, if done right. Does that make my decision wrong? No, it simply makes it my decision. This man may very well have had issues unknown to anyone else. I tend to look at these things as a natural part of life for those individuals. Those left behind tend to attempt to take something profound away from these events. The profoundity I take away is that my life (so far) is good, but it won't always be, so make the most of it...

 

[Black Knight]

My prayers go out to you and his family. Don't second guess yourself or beat yourself up over not knowing him better. This even happens when you know the person very well. No one can know a person 100% even though we try. Cherish the good times and memories you have of him.

 

[Duke Junior]

My condolences,xanderzuk.Your grief must be profound.
But you cannot blame yourself in any way.As others have expressed, a person totally bent on suicide is almost impossible to stop.
One of my best friends from the Army committed suicide 2 years after coming back from Viet-Nam.So many of us,his closest buddies, wondered for years if we should have seen some warning sign,some signal, that he was about to take his own life.
But in the end you must realize, like we did,that you had no control over his actions.
Time will help ease the pain.For now my prayers are also for you and his family.God bless all of you in this difficult time.

 

[pbearperry]

Suicide is always very sad,especially if it involves a young person.Sad to say,a great many of us have problems with depression for one reason or another.A wise man told me years ago that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.It's just too bad that many cannot see that.Just last week,one of my Moms friends had a son who killed himself by crashing into a tree.Such sadness.He was 49.

 

[nyggis]

I´m sorry for the loss of your friend.
Thank you for having the strength to share your tragic experience with us.

 

[xanderzuk]

Thank you all so much for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

For some reason, hearing from total strangers has been the most comforting. Checking back often, reading your comments, has helped me get through the day. A strange, hollow feeling remains within, but I've never mourned like this before.

I appreciate so much everything you've written.

 

[gbran]

A very good friend of mine killed himself with a gun some 30 years ago. His younger brother did the same some 20 years later. I too went thru a lot of emotions, but one was anger. I understand that people who take their own lives are in a bad way and usually have tunnel vision, but both these boys made a big mess of blood, brains and bone that their families had to find and deal with. This angered me.