Backyard Terror, thought I'd share the story

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next up? thread on what caliber lighter to hunt squirrel?

My ribs are hurting too. Your descriptive writing is amazing! I am in tears! You realy should submit that or at the very least take up stand up. You have a gift.
 
Absolutely hilarious . . . well done & well written (he said, as he wiped off both the monitor, keyboard, and desk . . . ).
 
Man that is hilarious. Great story. Sounds like something that should have stared Marcel, Udel, and Newgene. Have you ever been known to flag down a hundred car banana train before?
 
Will have a smile on my face the rest of the day after reading that. Hilarious! Heres the lighter you should have used
 

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A friend and myself were in the squirrel woods on a drizzling day steady light drizzle, so we both donned rain coats, the type with hoods but the rain wasn't heavy enough to keep the hood up and besides we were both wearing baseball caps.

Mike is standing about 50 yds from me and I see him raise his .22 pump rifle and take a shot almost straight up, as I scan up to see if he connected the squirrel was on the way down in the oh so fimilar tail spinning drop. It hit right in folded down hood of his rain coat, and I thought to my self man thats neat don't even half to go look for it.

Then came the same blood curdling scream the previous author described, and Mike went into convulsions dropping the rifle and grabbing at the back of his head with both hands flailing widly, then backs up to the nearest tree and starts beating the back of his head against the trunk, kinda like he was trying to beat his brains out . That didn't seem to calm the wild beserker, and he started ripping at the front of the rain coat and finally pulled it over his head. Not finished yet he takes the folded up rain coat and starts a beating out the wildfire routine.

By the time I make it over to him I figured out all the commotion was to rid himself of the little buck toothed demon that was chewing on the back of his head. The raincoat hood had made a nice little platform from which he administered the damage to the head and neck area.

The rodent was dead from the pounding Mike had given him,and was taken to the emergency room along with Mike to be tested for rabies, which he found out two days later, turned out to be negative. A good cleaning of the vampire like punctures from the little Dracula was all that was needed to get Mike back in shape .

I just wish that I could have filmed the convulsions!
 
those little things are tuff i shot one with a paintballgun probably like 5 times and one of those in the nuts. if i got hit by something that size ratio id probably be dead and if not id never have kids
 
Loved it. Very well written.
Now, stop smoking, get an in-the-waistband holster for your undies and carry, even if you ain't got no pants on.
 
That was hilarious..........

My eyes are watering from laughing so hard. :D.

I had my own run in with a mutant ninja squirrel years ago. I think I was probably 17 when this happened. I got home from school and grabbed my .410 and my last couple shells and headed down the road to my little squirrel poppin' place. I settled down under a sycamore tree and within a few minutes spotted the first squirrel. I put the bead on him and fired. He dropped halfway down the pine tree he was in and caught himself on a limb and started scurrying back up the tree. I reloaded and fired again. Same exact thing happened. I loaded my last shell and fired. He flopped straight down and landed on top of that limb (bout 12 or so feet of the ground).

I stood there for a minute trying to figure out how I was gonna ge my mutilated squirrel down. I took my hunting knife out and tossed it at him a couple times before I hit him with enough oomph to dislodge him.

He hit the ground with a thud. I went to pick him up by the tail (no inverted thumb up the butt grip here just regular like). That little bugger spun around and locked his teeth into my left thumb. DEEP.

I shook my hand up and down several times screaming like a little girl with the squirrel flailing. I finally got a choke hold on him with my right hand and dislodged his teeth. Whacked his head on the tree a few times to kill him. Then I headed home, empty H&R .410 in one hand, dead squirrel in the other, bloody thumb dripping a trail.

I dropped him on the front porch while I went in to clean and dress my thumb. Grabbed a bowl and my knife to go skin the darn thing and when I came out it was gone.......
 
Looks like I got off pretty easy compaired to what some of yall went through! All I got was a few light scratches and a ruined pair of underpants.
~z
 
That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Those little rodents can really take up for themselves. Hope you don't have nitemares about it! LOL
 
I was just laughing so hard my eyes are watering and my stomach is cramped up from the convulsions. That is some good stuff.

As an aside, those of you who didn't get the reference to Marcel, Udell and Newgene should really expand your horizons and look into a comedian named Jerry Clower. Similar stories with a great delivery.
 
Been there done that!

Thanks for the stories. All of my co-workers now think I'm insane (even if they didn't before).

....Now where did I put that clean pair of underwear....:uhoh:
 
I swallowed my chaw on that one.:eek:

I once had a squirrel climb a tree about 20 ft with 29" of carbon through him. Hell Beasts! We can all thank god they are so small or we'd have no chance.
 
Clower's Second Coming

having grown up in SC, I am very familiar with Mr. Clower's work and this nearly rivals it. You sir, have a future in comedy. Thank you for the laugh.

Shortround60
 
Wonderful story! My wife liked it as well.

However,.....
Shoulders ain’t what they once were, and a few rounds of “dent the barn with a testicle” leaves me feeling about like I did serious hand to hand with a Wookie.
Click to expand...

I have a barn, but have never heard of this game, educate me please.
 
Sorry, the story was originally written for a buncha my old college hunting buddies. The denting happened during last years sausage grind. We had some young hogs in a trap and killed and castrated them there and opted to gut them elsewhere. We forgot about these “items” till we had gone over to look at a small piece of property one of my buddies had recently bought. Had a few drinks…got to throwing those small wild gourds at each other…had a few drinks…started throwing them harder…had a few drinks…and someone noticed the pile’o testis setting in the bed of the truck and things escalated (after a few drinks). We played “dodge testicle” up against the barn and it became a contest to see which one of these old friends could maim another the worst with a gonad.

I’m not sure if we invented the game, but judging by the fact that it took 49 replies before the question was asked, I can only surmise it is pretty common. You have the barn, that’s the hard part. Now go round up 3 old friends, a pile of pig testicles, and a fair amount of homemade whiskey and have a ball…get it…have a “ball”. Not funny eh?
~z
 
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