Bill of Rights Pared Down to Six (SATIRE)

[benEzra]

(from the Onion)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27610/print

Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six

December 18, 2002 | Issue 38•47

WASHINGTON, DC—Flanked by key members of Congress and his administration, President Bush approved Monday a streamlined version of the Bill of Rights that pares its 10 original amendments down to a "tight, no-nonsense" six.

A Republican initiative that went unopposed by congressional Democrats, the revised Bill of Rights provides citizens with a "more manageable" set of privacy and due-process rights by eliminating four amendments and condensing and/or restructuring five others. The Second Amendment, which protects the right to keep and bear arms, was the only article left unchanged.

Calling the historic reduction "a victory for America," Bush promised that the new document would do away with "bureaucratic impediments to the flourishing of democracy at home and abroad."

"It is high time we reaffirmed our commitment to this enduring symbol of American ideals," Bush said. "By making the Bill of Rights a tool for progress instead of a hindrance to freedom, we honor the true spirit of our nation's forefathers."

The Fourth Amendment, which long protected citizens' homes against unreasonable search and seizure, was among the eliminated amendments. Also stricken was the Ninth Amendment, which stated that the enumeration of certain Constitutional rights does not result in the abrogation of rights not mentioned.

"Quite honestly, I could never get my head around what the Ninth Amendment meant anyway," said outgoing House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX), one of the leading advocates of the revised Bill of Rights. "So goodbye to that one."

[snip]

"We're not taking away personal rights; we're increasing personal security," Ashcroft said. "By allowing for greater government control over the particulars of individual liberties, the Bill of Rights will now offer expanded personal freedoms whenever they are deemed appropriate and unobtrusive to the activities necessary to effective operation of the federal government."

Ashcroft added that, thanks to several key additions, the Bill of Rights now offers protections that were previously lacking, including the right to be protected by soldiers quartered in one's home (Amendment III), the guarantee that activities not specifically delegated to the states and people will be carried out by the federal government (Amendment VI), and freedom of Judeo-Christianity and non-combative speech (Amendment I).

 

[Mumbles_45]

Fg Onion

 

[Thefabulousfink]

Before anyone blows their top, this article is from THE ONION, and is a work of satire.


Just thought I'd point that out incase someone read the article w/o checking the link.

P.S. Do we really NEED all those pesky amendments?

 

[armoredman]

The Onion has some good satire, but the statement by a Congressman about not understanding the Ninth, (or the Tenth, for that matter), Amendments, we'll that may be fictional, but thier actions certainly support that theory!
Nice they fictionally left the 2A alone.

 

[benEzra]

I thought the fictional attitude toward the 4th Amendment was frighteningly close to the truth...

 

[Sergeant Bob]

Before anyone blows their top, this article is from THE ONION, and is a work of satire.

Too late!

 

[TallPine]

I know the article is supposed to be funny, but it sounds to me to be exactly what is happening, in substance if not in form.

I think the only reason that the Republicans* at least say that they are pro-RKBA and 2A is that they assume that they have us all outgunned anyway and they don't want to stir up their traditional supporters.


* Allowing of course that there are at least some from both major parties who actually philosphically support RKBA.

 

[Lobotomy Boy]

Nice they fictionally left the 2A alone.

Given that this is satire, one can assume that the authors more or less wrote a plan that is diametrically opposed to their true beliefs. In other words, the Second Amendment is the one Amendment they wouldn't mind striking.

I've got people on the left of me trying to remove the Second Amendment, and people on the right trying to strike the First and Fourth. From here in the middle it appears I have need of all ten of them.

 

[c_yeager]

"Quite honestly, I could never get my head around what the Ninth Amendment meant anyway," said outgoing House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX), one of the leading advocates of the revised Bill of Rights. "So goodbye to that one."

If one were to delete "The Onion" from the top of the article, and replace it with the title of a "serious" publication, this statement would be 100% believable.

 

[Skeptic]

Too funny....

Those pesky ammendments just get in the way..

 

[NukemJim]

know the article is supposed to be funny, but it sounds to me to be exactly what is happening, in substance if not in form.

+1 :banghead:

Lobotomy boy fair warning I'm "borrowing" your line

"I've got people on the left of me trying to remove the Second Amendment, and people on the right trying to strike the First and Fourth. From here in the middle it appears I have need of all ten of them"

It sorta sums up my viewpoint as well, thank you

NukemJim

 

[FallenAngel]

This would be funny.... if it were not so true. This is actually more scary than funny.

 

[AZRickD]

"People on *the right* trying to take away the First Amendment..."

The First Amendment has many clauses. It is all-encompassing enough to be a target by both the left and the right. Just ask the ACLU.

Rick

 

[Lobotomy Boy]

The First Amendment has many clauses. It is all-encompassing enough to be a target by both the left and the right. Just ask the ACLU.

Rick

Very true. I personally experienced the most vociferous attempts to curtail my First Amendment rights from radical leftist professors in the 1980s.

 

[AZRickD]

That would be in-class shunning specifically was well as "campus speech codes" in general. Politically Correct speech was born in communist China but found manure for its seeds in American universities.

It was commonly said, "when they take away the 2nd amendment, the rest will quickly fall." It turns out that our usurpers are equal-opportunity opportunists. They'll take what they can get when they can get it. The right has some rights they want to protect and those they want to curtail. The left has some rights they want to protect and some they want to curtail.

But for a few examples, they seem to be better at curtailing than protecting.

Rick

 

[armoredman]

Every time I hear an administrator intruct me on being "politically correct", I ask them why they parrot a communist phrase. Irritatates them every time....I don't care anymore about causing waves, as they changed the pronotional process, and I won't be able to do it again for several years now.