http://www.frontpagemagazine.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=7212
Celebrity Spokesman
By Lowell Ponte
FrontPageMagazine.com | April 10, 2003
PONTEFICATIONS
ONE MEMBER OF SADDAM’S REGIME IS SITTING PRETTY, while the others are running for their lives. This lucky exception is Mohammed Said Sahaf, who until Wednesday was seen on television screens worldwide as Iraq’s Minister of Information.
"The Minister of Misinformation" is what pundits had taken to calling him. Sahaf to Western eyes had become almost self-parody, appearing behind his official podium since the war began in a military uniform with two medallions, pistol on hip, wearing a half-commando, half-French beret.
"If this weren’t a war, you’d think it was a ‘Saturday Night Live’ skit," is how Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz described Sahaf’s surreal press conferences to David Lamb of the Los Angeles Times.
As this week American tanks rolled through Baghdad streets that echoed with machine-gun fire, and U.S. soldiers were leaving natural deposits in the bathrooms of Saddam Hussein’s local palaces, Sahaf forcefully told foreign reporters: "We have killed most of the infidels, and I think we will finish off the rest soon."
Such shuck and jive could not beat shock and awe, of course, and by Wednesday Sahaf was rumored to have taken a car and fled north before Saddam’s statues started falling.
Other rumors now suggest that, if he survives, a future of even more wealth and fame awaits this 63-year-old, balding master of media.
"We want him to replace George Stephanopoulos Sundays on ‘This Week,’" said one ABC-Disney executive who asked not to be named. "Mohammed has the Politically Correct attitude towards America we want. He’s more credible as a journalist and conveyer of information than Georgie. And our focus groups found that Mohammed has loads of sex appeal, like a Left-sided version of Bruce Willis."
Similar views were echoed by unnamed executives at NBC, CNN and PBS. But the likely winning bid may come from CBS, which is said to be offering "millions" to start Sahaf as its new Middle Eastern correspondent while offering him an inside track to its Evening News anchor job when fading septuagenarian Dan Rather retires.
(CBS may have gotten this idea from watching Rather licking the boots of Saddam Hussein, as years earlier he licked the shoes of Hillary Clinton, during his sycophantic "exclusive" interview. "We saw this and said, hey, Sahaf doesn’t bend over as far or behave in as self-demeaning and servile a manner as Dan did," said one CBS executive.)
Columbia University is rumored to have offered Sahaf, who holds a Master’s Degree in English Literature from Baghdad University, a job as Professor of Communications. His office would be next door to its professor who at a "Peace" teach-in called for "a million Mogadishus," a reference to the 1993 incident in which President Bill Clinton refused a request from peacekeepers there for more equipment and backup, and thereafter 18 American soldiers were killed, their bodies mutilated and dragged through the streets.
"Professor Sahaf would be a perfect addition to our faculty," said one unnamed official at Columbia University. "He sees the world, and speaks the truth, exactly as we do. But we will supply guards as we did for Dr. De Genova, so Professor Shahaf won’t need to wear his gun while giving lectures. He will add diversity to our faculty’s shaping of the brains of our students."
Hollywood is also bidding for Sahaf. "He’s got a kind of Sean Connery, Vin Diesel sex appeal," said one 16-year-old studio chief. "He just needs the right vehicle, maybe as Saladin defeating the racist, sexist, homophobic Christian crusaders near the Sea of Galilee and restoring the land to the Palestinians."
But with a job offer closest to what Sahaf has known, the Democratic National Committee has offered to give him Terry McAuliffe’s job at its head. "He’s got great contacts among the world’s wealthy oil merchants and terrorists," said a top Democratic lawmaker, speaking on condition of anonymity. "And Mohammed has won the award we honor most…."
That award is the Bill Clinton Dissimulation Prize, given to the world’s most adroit liar. The award, as the world saw when Sahaf held it up proudly at this year’s secret ceremony in Beijing, is a plastic robot lapdog painted fake gold, its mechanical mouth always moving as a computer sound chip intones legendary Bill Clinton’s most famous prevarications – "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"…"It all depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is"…..and so forth.
The world agreed that Sahaf deserved this prize, but competition was stiff. He won, judges said, because his lies reflected freshness and creativity, while the lies of Democratic politicians – e.g., "Republican tax cuts will steal your Social Security and take school lunches out of the mouths of needy children" – were old, stale, cliched, and recognized as falsehoods by everyone with an I.Q. above 95. (They remain in use only because the average Democrat voter’s I.Q. is 93.)
"Let’s face it. We need new, fresh, creative lies if we’re to have any hope of winning in 2004," confessed a high-ranking Democratic leader. "Sahaf has that kind of creativity, and he by sheer force of oratory and fake certitude was able for days to frighten Iraqis into staying indoors, not coming out to greet American troops as liberators.
"He’s a survivor….even been Iraq’s U.N. Ambassador," said the prominent Democrat. "He shares our view of the United States, although we’ll have to teach him not to talk about this. Hey, he’s a top member of the Ba’ath Party, which is a socialist party just like ours.
"Best of all," continued the Democratic leader, "Sahaf has that generic look they deliberately pick actors for in TV commercials – a skin color that makes African-Americans think he’s black, Hispanics think he’s one of them, Caucasians think he’s a tanned white guy, and the like. He doesn’t even have to open his mouth to deceive, the way most of us Democrats do."
In the Arab world, Mohammed Sahaf is widely recognized as a master performer.
"You need to understand that telling whoppers is an art form there," says Betty Balsam, author of Veil of Terror (available at VeilofTerror.com), who was born in Syria, raised in Lebanon, worked as a medical professional in Beirut and Teheran, and speaks fluent Arabic and Persian.
"Sahaf is a genius at the Arab art of throwing inventive insults and spinning fantasies like a storyteller," says Balsam. "One major problem with the Middle East is that both the storyteller and those listening to him quickly lose their ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Sahaf, like Saddam, may actually believe some of the wild things he is saying."
If so, this fantasy-spinning, self-deluded spider Mohammed Said Sahaf could have a rich future ahead in Hollywood, Leftist network television, American universities or the Democratic Party.
Celebrity Spokesman
By Lowell Ponte
FrontPageMagazine.com | April 10, 2003
PONTEFICATIONS
ONE MEMBER OF SADDAM’S REGIME IS SITTING PRETTY, while the others are running for their lives. This lucky exception is Mohammed Said Sahaf, who until Wednesday was seen on television screens worldwide as Iraq’s Minister of Information.
"The Minister of Misinformation" is what pundits had taken to calling him. Sahaf to Western eyes had become almost self-parody, appearing behind his official podium since the war began in a military uniform with two medallions, pistol on hip, wearing a half-commando, half-French beret.
"If this weren’t a war, you’d think it was a ‘Saturday Night Live’ skit," is how Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz described Sahaf’s surreal press conferences to David Lamb of the Los Angeles Times.
As this week American tanks rolled through Baghdad streets that echoed with machine-gun fire, and U.S. soldiers were leaving natural deposits in the bathrooms of Saddam Hussein’s local palaces, Sahaf forcefully told foreign reporters: "We have killed most of the infidels, and I think we will finish off the rest soon."
Such shuck and jive could not beat shock and awe, of course, and by Wednesday Sahaf was rumored to have taken a car and fled north before Saddam’s statues started falling.
Other rumors now suggest that, if he survives, a future of even more wealth and fame awaits this 63-year-old, balding master of media.
"We want him to replace George Stephanopoulos Sundays on ‘This Week,’" said one ABC-Disney executive who asked not to be named. "Mohammed has the Politically Correct attitude towards America we want. He’s more credible as a journalist and conveyer of information than Georgie. And our focus groups found that Mohammed has loads of sex appeal, like a Left-sided version of Bruce Willis."
Similar views were echoed by unnamed executives at NBC, CNN and PBS. But the likely winning bid may come from CBS, which is said to be offering "millions" to start Sahaf as its new Middle Eastern correspondent while offering him an inside track to its Evening News anchor job when fading septuagenarian Dan Rather retires.
(CBS may have gotten this idea from watching Rather licking the boots of Saddam Hussein, as years earlier he licked the shoes of Hillary Clinton, during his sycophantic "exclusive" interview. "We saw this and said, hey, Sahaf doesn’t bend over as far or behave in as self-demeaning and servile a manner as Dan did," said one CBS executive.)
Columbia University is rumored to have offered Sahaf, who holds a Master’s Degree in English Literature from Baghdad University, a job as Professor of Communications. His office would be next door to its professor who at a "Peace" teach-in called for "a million Mogadishus," a reference to the 1993 incident in which President Bill Clinton refused a request from peacekeepers there for more equipment and backup, and thereafter 18 American soldiers were killed, their bodies mutilated and dragged through the streets.
"Professor Sahaf would be a perfect addition to our faculty," said one unnamed official at Columbia University. "He sees the world, and speaks the truth, exactly as we do. But we will supply guards as we did for Dr. De Genova, so Professor Shahaf won’t need to wear his gun while giving lectures. He will add diversity to our faculty’s shaping of the brains of our students."
Hollywood is also bidding for Sahaf. "He’s got a kind of Sean Connery, Vin Diesel sex appeal," said one 16-year-old studio chief. "He just needs the right vehicle, maybe as Saladin defeating the racist, sexist, homophobic Christian crusaders near the Sea of Galilee and restoring the land to the Palestinians."
But with a job offer closest to what Sahaf has known, the Democratic National Committee has offered to give him Terry McAuliffe’s job at its head. "He’s got great contacts among the world’s wealthy oil merchants and terrorists," said a top Democratic lawmaker, speaking on condition of anonymity. "And Mohammed has won the award we honor most…."
That award is the Bill Clinton Dissimulation Prize, given to the world’s most adroit liar. The award, as the world saw when Sahaf held it up proudly at this year’s secret ceremony in Beijing, is a plastic robot lapdog painted fake gold, its mechanical mouth always moving as a computer sound chip intones legendary Bill Clinton’s most famous prevarications – "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"…"It all depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is"…..and so forth.
The world agreed that Sahaf deserved this prize, but competition was stiff. He won, judges said, because his lies reflected freshness and creativity, while the lies of Democratic politicians – e.g., "Republican tax cuts will steal your Social Security and take school lunches out of the mouths of needy children" – were old, stale, cliched, and recognized as falsehoods by everyone with an I.Q. above 95. (They remain in use only because the average Democrat voter’s I.Q. is 93.)
"Let’s face it. We need new, fresh, creative lies if we’re to have any hope of winning in 2004," confessed a high-ranking Democratic leader. "Sahaf has that kind of creativity, and he by sheer force of oratory and fake certitude was able for days to frighten Iraqis into staying indoors, not coming out to greet American troops as liberators.
"He’s a survivor….even been Iraq’s U.N. Ambassador," said the prominent Democrat. "He shares our view of the United States, although we’ll have to teach him not to talk about this. Hey, he’s a top member of the Ba’ath Party, which is a socialist party just like ours.
"Best of all," continued the Democratic leader, "Sahaf has that generic look they deliberately pick actors for in TV commercials – a skin color that makes African-Americans think he’s black, Hispanics think he’s one of them, Caucasians think he’s a tanned white guy, and the like. He doesn’t even have to open his mouth to deceive, the way most of us Democrats do."
In the Arab world, Mohammed Sahaf is widely recognized as a master performer.
"You need to understand that telling whoppers is an art form there," says Betty Balsam, author of Veil of Terror (available at VeilofTerror.com), who was born in Syria, raised in Lebanon, worked as a medical professional in Beirut and Teheran, and speaks fluent Arabic and Persian.
"Sahaf is a genius at the Arab art of throwing inventive insults and spinning fantasies like a storyteller," says Balsam. "One major problem with the Middle East is that both the storyteller and those listening to him quickly lose their ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Sahaf, like Saddam, may actually believe some of the wild things he is saying."
If so, this fantasy-spinning, self-deluded spider Mohammed Said Sahaf could have a rich future ahead in Hollywood, Leftist network television, American universities or the Democratic Party.