Mike Irwin
Member
Punxsutawney Phil Found Dead in Burrow
Organized Crime Connection Feared as "Louie the Lizard" Sought for Questioning
Punxsutawney, Pa., Feb. 2, 2003 -- MNN (The Mike News Network) -– Cultural icon Punxsutawney Phil, who was believed by many to be able to perform long-range weather forecasts based on his shadow, was found dead in his burrow this morning, the victim of apparent foul play.
Mr. Phil's age was unavailable, but he, and members of his family, have been forecasting the weather on Feb. 2 for at least the past 50 years.
Punxsutawney Chief of Police Roscoe "Goober" Skeetums said this morning at a press conference that Mr. Phil's death appears to have been murder, but declined to elaborate on the manner in which he died, or the motive in the death.
"There are certain aspects of the crime that just don't add up to a natural death," said Skeetums. "I can't elaborate at this time, but we're certain we're dealing with foul play, and we are looking at several suspects."
Confidential sources with the Pennsylvania State Police this morning confirmed that an all-points-bulletin has been issued for the arrest of the former Budweiser Spokescritter Louis "Louie the Lizard" Gecko, who has rumored ties to several major crime families.
"We're looking very closely at Mr. Gecko," said one source. "He has motive in that he recently lost his job as a Budweiser representative, and he has a history of past violence."
It was also revealed today that Mr. Gecko recently purchased a Remington BDL rifle in .25-06, a caliber used by many groundhog hunters in Central Pennsylvania.
"He'd be able to make a shot on Phil at 400 or even 500 yards easy," said Punxsutawney sporting goods shop owner Earl "Skeeter" Skeetums. "With that kind of rig Phil would never know what hit'em.
Several years ago Mr. Gecko allegedly attempted to electrocute the Budweiser Spokesfrogs in their swamp, and then was implicated in the hiring of a hit weasel to kill one of the frogs so he could take its place. Although questioned, no charges were ever brought against Mr. Gecko.
Mr. Gecko has powerful connections with the Budweiser Clydesdales, which some speculate have protected him from prosecution....
Organized Crime Connection Feared as "Louie the Lizard" Sought for Questioning
Punxsutawney, Pa., Feb. 2, 2003 -- MNN (The Mike News Network) -– Cultural icon Punxsutawney Phil, who was believed by many to be able to perform long-range weather forecasts based on his shadow, was found dead in his burrow this morning, the victim of apparent foul play.
Mr. Phil's age was unavailable, but he, and members of his family, have been forecasting the weather on Feb. 2 for at least the past 50 years.
Punxsutawney Chief of Police Roscoe "Goober" Skeetums said this morning at a press conference that Mr. Phil's death appears to have been murder, but declined to elaborate on the manner in which he died, or the motive in the death.
"There are certain aspects of the crime that just don't add up to a natural death," said Skeetums. "I can't elaborate at this time, but we're certain we're dealing with foul play, and we are looking at several suspects."
Confidential sources with the Pennsylvania State Police this morning confirmed that an all-points-bulletin has been issued for the arrest of the former Budweiser Spokescritter Louis "Louie the Lizard" Gecko, who has rumored ties to several major crime families.
"We're looking very closely at Mr. Gecko," said one source. "He has motive in that he recently lost his job as a Budweiser representative, and he has a history of past violence."
It was also revealed today that Mr. Gecko recently purchased a Remington BDL rifle in .25-06, a caliber used by many groundhog hunters in Central Pennsylvania.
"He'd be able to make a shot on Phil at 400 or even 500 yards easy," said Punxsutawney sporting goods shop owner Earl "Skeeter" Skeetums. "With that kind of rig Phil would never know what hit'em.
Several years ago Mr. Gecko allegedly attempted to electrocute the Budweiser Spokesfrogs in their swamp, and then was implicated in the hiring of a hit weasel to kill one of the frogs so he could take its place. Although questioned, no charges were ever brought against Mr. Gecko.
Mr. Gecko has powerful connections with the Budweiser Clydesdales, which some speculate have protected him from prosecution....
It's a conspiracy I tell ya 
Who's next, the Easter bunny?
