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(NM) Me? A gun? Shoot, I'm not the type to pack heat

Discussion in 'Legal' started by Drizzt, May 12, 2003.

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  1. Drizzt

    Drizzt Member

    Dec 24, 2002
    Moscow on the Colorado, TX
    Me? A gun? Shoot, I'm not the type to pack heat


    Guess what I bought at the Gun and Knife Show last weekend?

    I bought a collector's edition VHS of "The Carol Burnett Show" for $7.99. It has two episodes. The one with that hilarious "Gone with the Wind" send-up and the one with the first "Mama's Family" sketch with guest star Roddy McDowall.

    It was right next to a rack of books that included "Martha Stewart Living," "The Joy of Cooking" and "How To Become a Contract Killer."

    To the other side of the reasonably priced videos, was a plethora of rifles with scopes for those, as the sign said, bothered by "pesky varmints . . . and such."

    And just behind me were a bunch of bumper stickers I can't imagine anyone really wanting to put on the back of their vehicle.

    One read: "SNIPER: Reach Out And Touch Someone."

    It was the first of many a full-body shiver I experienced at the show.

    And though I did see a large number of men with limps at the show, as well as a few gals who looked like vampires on a day pass, I didn't see many of the crazy characters so many news reports tell us frequent these type of shows.

    You know the ones. The nervous never-was-in-the-military-but-am-in-my-head types with darting eyes and swastikas carved into their foreheads.

    No, it was pretty much just regular folks browsing through gas masks, body armor, family videos, Japanese swords, Second Amendment T-shirts for toddlers, boot knives, ammo, turquoise jewelry, Old West collectibles and books about revenge.


    You know, I always thought I'd like to learn how to handle a gun. Maybe get into target practice as a hobby. I've got a good eye.

    So I picked up a few guns at the show that fit seductively into my hand.

    At one stall, I felt the weight of a couple of pistols and fell quite easily into a conversation with the matronly gun seller about clips and bullets and ease of reloading.

    Suddenly I felt like something was caught in my throat. What was I saying? What was I doing? I don't need to handle a gun. I don't need to fire a gun. And I certainly don't need to buy a gun.

    Oh, but did you know that, in an appeal to the feminine factor now showing up more at gun shows, many guns - even shotguns - come in a rainbow of pretty colors?

    I actually caught myself blurting, "Oooooooh, I didn't know they came in colors!" after spotting a shiny metallic blue .357 Magnum.

    Big-time shiver.

    So, no gun for me. No sir. I would forever go through life armed only with my quick wit, my contagious joie de vivre and . . .

    Well, I did pick up a little souvenir from my peaceful sojourn through piles and piles of weapons of individual destruction.

    I happen to have a small fascination with ceremonial knives. I don't know why. I was probably the gifted metalsmith who created the magical sword Excalibur on the Isle of Avalon. Or a scary freak.

    Anyway, though I have this fascination and like to look at them in catalogs, I've never actually bought one. Until last weekend.

    I found a sweet little double-edged beauty with a red wood and gold handle in a black leather sheath for $12.

    Even though it's a really sharp little thing and I'm a bleeder, I think it's lovely. And once I have it blessed and purged of its "Ow!" potential by the nearest shaman, it will be a nice just-for-display item.

    So, as the Gun & Knife Show was winding down and stalls were making their last-minute weapons sales, I left with a really funny "Carol Burnett Show" video and a pretty little red knife.

    I could see that others left with, well, more serious items. Hey, one person's hobby is another's scary-Mommy nightmare, ya know?

    But I did stop on the way out to flip through the books "How to Disappear and Never Be Found" and "Armed & Female."


    You can phone M.J. at (505) 823-3605 or fire off a missive to her by e-mail at mjwilde(at)abqtrib.com. And, um, "fire off" is meant in the most nonliteral way possible. Ahem.


    Sounds like a candidate for a Journalist's Range Day...
  2. Phantom Warrior

    Phantom Warrior Member

    Mar 7, 2003
    Did she say something? Did I miss it? What is she talking about???
  3. Baba Louie

    Baba Louie Member

    Dec 26, 2002
    ..."and a pretty little red knife"...

    I would still call that a weapon.

    ..."it will be a nice just- for-display item."

    Weapon??? On display??? Cool.

    We can talk knives, cutting yourself; swords, decapitation; ceremonies, cutting a beating heart out...

    Ya know... fun stuff.

    and I really do like the old Carol Burnett shows...

  4. Carlos

    Carlos Member

    Jan 10, 2003
    Portland, Oregon
    Me too. Don't know why she drug Carol Burnett into that waste of my life.
  5. Standing Wolf

    Standing Wolf Member in memoriam

    Dec 24, 2002
    Idahohoho, the jolliest state
    If that's a quick wit, I'd sure as @#$%^&! hate to get stuck in conversation with a slow wit!
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