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Politically Incorrect Movie Reviews:The Matrix Reloaded

Discussion in 'Legal' started by 2dogs, May 23, 2003.

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  1. 2dogs

    2dogs Member

    Dec 25, 2002
    the city
    WARNING: As stated this piece is NOT PC- if you are offended by such things, move on.

    I found it funny- but I'm a cretin.


    Politically Incorrect Movie Reviews
    The Matrix Reloaded
    By RadioFree Rocky D

    Keanu Reeves (Neo) – Obi Wan Kenobe through Sam Peckinpah's camera.

    Lawrence Fishburne (Morpheus) – tough guy, pilot, dance instructor.

    Carrie Anne Moss (Trinity) – baby got a few moves of her own.

    Hugo Weaving (Smith) – a good argument against cloning.

    Randall Duk Kim (Keymaker) – duck, Kim, duck!

    Gloria Foster (Oracle) – the wise ol' black lady.

    Helmut Bakatis (Architect) – the mean ol' white guy.

    Neil & Adrian Rayment (Albino twins) – white, uptight and sometimes outta sight.

    Anthony Zerbe (Hamann) – if you're looking for Omega Man, he went thataway.

    "Huh? Whazzat? Wha-he-do-dat-fer? Whozat? I don' git it …" these are the sounds of filmgoers who see The Matrix Reloaded without seeing the original Matrix flick – that, plus the annoying skritch-skritch of the uninitiated scratching their noggins trying to figure the whole dang thing out. The Matrix series is part Star Wars, part Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and part acid trip. And it all evolves around a guy who has trouble sleeping, because he discovers he's the chosen savior of the human race – no pressure there, bub. So chug a caffeine-laden soda before showtime (so you don't blink), because The Matrix Reloaded is all that and a bag o' computer chips. Ya just gotta like a film with twin albino banshees.

    Neo| Greek from neos| new; different form or period; abnormal.

    The only thing I can't figure out is why all the characters wear black bathrobes and sunglasses at night. Then it dawned on me – buy stock in black robes and rimless sunglasses now. Every sci-fi geek on Dork Street will be wearing fashionable Matrix-Wear this summer. I can see it now; pimple-faced nerds will find it even more difficult to get a date, because they'll be stumbling around in the dark wearing sunglasses and bathrobes.

    The Matrix Reloaded has so much PC piffle in it that it's hard to know where to start. Let's start with the overall casting. It's machines versus humans (ain't it always?) and for some reason the only humans left are cave dwelling brown people. Most of the Caucasians have apparently been wiped off the planet. Perhaps the alien machines went after North America and Europe first; and perhaps just like President Dubya's dilemma, all the non-white nations stood by and did nothing like they did with the War on Terrorism. Let Whitey take care of bidness; we'll step up afterwards and demand reparations for something or other. In any case, the only Whitey's left in The Matrix Reloaded are selected bad guys and Keanu Reeves. Pat Buchanan wrote about this in his book Death of the West, and all the liberals screamed "Racism!" Hollyweird writes it into a movie script and the liberals coo "Ooohh thath's artisthic!"

    If a Caucasian celebrates, protects or honors his heritage, it's racism. If a non-Caucasian celebrates or honors his heritage, it's a dramatic step forward for the rights of minorities in Evil Capitalist America. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

    Morpheus | Latin from Greek | the god of dreams.

    More PC data streams out of The Matrix Reloaded when we get to see the ultimate good and the ultimate evil. The ultimate good is The Oracle; kind of a living, walking talking cyber-prophet; the patron saint of the mainframe, you might say. Naturally, The Oracle is an old, wise black woman who invites Keanu to "… come on over and set a spell … lemme look atcha … mmm-hmmm …" She also uses an inner city playground as her meeting place and speaks with a lilting island accent. "We never can see past the choices we don't understand," psychobabbles our grandmotherly Oracle. Yeah, okay nice black lady; whatever that means. I think what you mean is make up your dang mind pretty quick, chump.

    Oracle | middle English from Latin | a person or object a deity speaks through.

    The ultimate evil is (naturally) a mean ol' corporate Whitey who calls himself The Architect – and you know what Architects do; they draw plans that call for clear cutting forests, polluting the air and depleting Mother Earth's precious resources. Architect looks straight out of the Third Reich; all he's missing is an SS cap and a hearty sieg heil. Surrounded by more TV screens than the back wall at Big Lots, he sits at a distance from Keanu and scolds him on "… the grotesqueries and failures of your human nature." Then he tells Keanu that saving the world is a dopey idea. We don't like this evil corporate Whitey, no sirree; we don't like him at all.

    Bad Corporate Whitey! Bad bad bad!

    The inner city is a nice homey place full of Mommys and Grandmothers who bake cookies and give sage advice, sharing their worldliness with others. This is what non-whites in the inner city do. The corporate world is full of Evil Caucasian Capitalists who want to destroy the world. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

    "You do not know someone until you fight them," is the lame excuse used by the clean & efficient oriental sentinel after he tries to open up a can o' whoop on Keanu. Do not know someone until you fight them? What's all this now … early Jackie Chan? In any case, any Matrix moron knows that Keanu has his bathrobe and dark sunglasses and they have anti-gravity properties. How handy is that, eh? Evidently Hop-in-slo-mo Sing hasn't seen Keanu smack around hundreds of honkey clones at one time. But Hop'Sing is a good guy, and you knew that already, because he is the only Asian in the film. This qualifies him for Sacred Minority Status, wherein he is granted angelic qualities above and beyond anything any silly Whitey could comprehend.

    Even more annoying than the copius amounts of PC slathered all over The Matrix Reloaded is the incessant psychobabble that drenches the dialogue. When Keanu meets up with an Evil Whitey – a swishy Frenchman in a snob eatery – Keanu says "You know why we're here." To which the greasy Frenchy sniffs, "Yes, but do you? You think you do but you do not …" and then blabs on about how he's redesigned chocolate cake to induce orgasms. Remember, these are the same guys who think Saddam was the good guy and Jerry Lewis is still funny. Besides, you oily Parisian, I can get chubby eating M&M's; so there. And didn't the Germans perfect chocolate cake? You remember the Germans, don't you Frenchy? They're the guys who marched into Paris and all you did was whimper, "Table for 25,000 Mr. Hitler?"

    Trinity | Middle English from old French | threefold in one Godhead in Christianity.

    As far as the implausibilities, forget it – the whole thing is implausible. So instead I'll list the fun stuff about The Matrix Reloaded and there's a mega-gigabyte full of 'em. First off, this flick has the wildest, wackiest LA Freeway chase you've ever seen; you could take all of the "most dangerous police chases" videos, run them simultaneously at super-high speed and you still wouldn't come close. Next is a scene where Morpheus gives a speech to the huddling brown masses, telling them that the machines are on the way to kill them soon. So what's the response? Hit the homeboy beat; time to dance, dance, dance! Kudos to whomever it was to put Anthony Zerbe in the film as one of the last leaders left on Earth – a definite nod to sci-fi cult classic Omega Man. And while the brown town of Zion is dancing the night away, Neo and Trinity do the mattress dance on Fred Flintstone's bed. Oh, and let's not forget alien robot octopuses with shot-putt bombs. Then, of course, there is bookoo slo-mo bullet dodging, gravity-defying kung-fu clone whacking and Super-Keanu-Man cloud-busting flying scenes.

    Whoah … Dude.

    All this to protect the last human refuge, Zion; that's right, Zion, the symbolic ideal society envisioned by Judaism. Go figger. Matter of fact, there are biblical references all over the place. Wait'll the Rabbi's see that Zion is all brown, underground where white folks can't be found. Oy vey, meshugginah!

    Matrix | Latin | something within from which something else originates.

    The Matrix Reloaded has all five of the Bachelor B's: Blood, Breasts, Beasts, Bashes and Bombs. In fact, there are more bombs here than a Pia Zadora record collection

    Should you see The Matrix Reloaded? How can you not see it? Buy the glasses and black bathrobe and dig the irony of a film about a vast alien network controlling humanity's every sight, sound and experience produced by AOL Time Warner – a vast network that seeks to control your every sight, sound and experience.

    I give The Matrix Reloaded four Capitalist Dollar Signs.

  2. Preacherman

    Preacherman Member

    Dec 20, 2002
    Louisiana, USA
    You're right, 2dogs - non-PC, but great fun! :D
  3. Sergeant Bob

    Sergeant Bob Member

    Dec 25, 2002
    The Swamps of Goldwater, MI
    I saw the movie last weekend and I just couldn't put it into words...now I've found them! Thanks!
  4. Justin

    Justin Moderator Emeritus

    Dec 29, 2002
    We already have one Matrix: Reloaded thread.
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