orangeninja
Member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2003
- Messages
- 3,117
So there I was, sitting in my carbon fiber 2 horsepower, Rascal with mag Spinner wheels. They told me I was washed up; give it up, your 90 years old for Christ Sake. But I knew better. The Moose Ass County Convalescent Center was my new beat. I had just finished my noon meal of mashed potatoes, creamed corn and apple sauce and was rarin’ to go.
I gunned my Rascal towards my private room when a nefarious looking elderly woman on a walker blocked my path. Her teeth looked a little too real, her eyes a little too alert. I knew she wasn’t as she seemed. I moved to the left, she still blocked my way. I moved to the right, again, my efforts were again thwarted. My honed senses told me something was amiss, ambush!
I looked to my right and my left; all seemed normal, too normal. I immediately grabbed my “tactical†set of titanium teeth and replaced the porcelain ones, “just in caseâ€. I knew my years of work with the Palooka Uniformed Strategic Services Integrated Enforcement Squad, at the Palooka Police Department would pay off yet again.
I threw my Rascal into hard reverse; it struck a potted plant that had been strategically placed alongside the wall to interfere with my escape, sending me head over heals backwards. I was ready for such an event and wore my leak proof Depends, the “tactical black†ones advertised in Guns & Ammo. Certain that I had no up-flowing leakage; I sprang to my feet, easily within 2 minutes or less.
I made my way for the dining hall and armed myself with a plastic orthopedic spoon, but this baby had been honed by yours truly. This was a deadly weapon in disguise. An attacker, disguised as a nurse made her way towards me. I aimed the spoon carefully and threw it straight at her right eye. Contact! She was immediately down. I quickly ran for the emergency exit, damn them, still locked. The nurse was now upon me. I made for the T.V. Room but she grabbed my shirt. I was prepared for such a situation and my shirt ripped free due to the snap on buttons. I wriggled from the remnants of the garment and went for my chemical weapons, stored within the confines of my Depends. To the untrained eye, this would appear to be mere poo, but this was special poo, you see I had eaten and entire jar of cayenne peppers the night before. This was tactical poo. I flung the treated excrement at the nurse who was now screaming for backup. My years working with the P.U.S.S.I.E.S. had my mind clicking on all cylinders; I began to plan my next move.
The Orderlies charged in and grabbed each arm. I clamped down on the left one with my titanium teeth. He howled and charged off, my teeth never let go, but my gums did and they stayed attached to his arm. I was ready for this however and promptly threw my groin into the arm of a reclining chair, causing me to vomit on the other orderly. To the inexperienced this would have appeared to have been an accident, but this nurse knew better, she was on to me.
I ran for the door, the nurse dived, latching onto my pants, the elastic band gave way and I had to abandon them at the scene. The door to the front of the home was open; I made my break for it.
As I run down Main Street, passers by hooted and hollered at me thinking I was just a crazy old man in diapers, but what they didn’t see, was the coiled weapon beneath. I was quickly set upon by the same two orderlies. It was then I wish I had my B.A.L.L.S. or the Ballistic Armored Lightweight Logistical Shield I used to have when I was a cop. Just then, the Moose Ass Police showed up. I have had experiences with these kinds of so called “cops†before.
The first one out of the car got poo flung straight into his eye. I knew what was coming next. His partner maced me, I was ready for this however and ran screaming into traffic clutching my face in agony. To the untrained eye, this would appear to be a random act, but I knew they wouldn’t follow here. I bent down and tightened the Velcro on my sneakers, I was ready for speed now. The cops were on me again, I was out of poo, so we went hand to hand. The cops promptly shot a taser at me; I blocked it with my right nipple. The effect of the taser had predictable results as I soiled myself again while twitching on the pavement. It was too much for my Depends and they quickly went aflame. The cops used fire extinguishers to put down my raging underwear, and I made my break. I successfully commandeered the patrol car while the cops were finishing of the flames in the street. The cool polyester against my bare flesh sent a tingle of excitement down my spine, unfortunately it also caused a little pee to come out, that’s okay though, I was in control.
I put the siren on wail and hit the car’s gas. Unfortunately it was in reverse and threw itself into a drainage ditch. I had to bail. I sprang from the car and made for the open grass but was tackled by the older cop. I went for his gun and he blocked my movement by slamming my head into the ground. I was ready for this however and lost consciousness.
Thanks for the comments.
I gunned my Rascal towards my private room when a nefarious looking elderly woman on a walker blocked my path. Her teeth looked a little too real, her eyes a little too alert. I knew she wasn’t as she seemed. I moved to the left, she still blocked my way. I moved to the right, again, my efforts were again thwarted. My honed senses told me something was amiss, ambush!
I looked to my right and my left; all seemed normal, too normal. I immediately grabbed my “tactical†set of titanium teeth and replaced the porcelain ones, “just in caseâ€. I knew my years of work with the Palooka Uniformed Strategic Services Integrated Enforcement Squad, at the Palooka Police Department would pay off yet again.
I threw my Rascal into hard reverse; it struck a potted plant that had been strategically placed alongside the wall to interfere with my escape, sending me head over heals backwards. I was ready for such an event and wore my leak proof Depends, the “tactical black†ones advertised in Guns & Ammo. Certain that I had no up-flowing leakage; I sprang to my feet, easily within 2 minutes or less.
I made my way for the dining hall and armed myself with a plastic orthopedic spoon, but this baby had been honed by yours truly. This was a deadly weapon in disguise. An attacker, disguised as a nurse made her way towards me. I aimed the spoon carefully and threw it straight at her right eye. Contact! She was immediately down. I quickly ran for the emergency exit, damn them, still locked. The nurse was now upon me. I made for the T.V. Room but she grabbed my shirt. I was prepared for such a situation and my shirt ripped free due to the snap on buttons. I wriggled from the remnants of the garment and went for my chemical weapons, stored within the confines of my Depends. To the untrained eye, this would appear to be mere poo, but this was special poo, you see I had eaten and entire jar of cayenne peppers the night before. This was tactical poo. I flung the treated excrement at the nurse who was now screaming for backup. My years working with the P.U.S.S.I.E.S. had my mind clicking on all cylinders; I began to plan my next move.
The Orderlies charged in and grabbed each arm. I clamped down on the left one with my titanium teeth. He howled and charged off, my teeth never let go, but my gums did and they stayed attached to his arm. I was ready for this however and promptly threw my groin into the arm of a reclining chair, causing me to vomit on the other orderly. To the inexperienced this would have appeared to have been an accident, but this nurse knew better, she was on to me.
I ran for the door, the nurse dived, latching onto my pants, the elastic band gave way and I had to abandon them at the scene. The door to the front of the home was open; I made my break for it.
As I run down Main Street, passers by hooted and hollered at me thinking I was just a crazy old man in diapers, but what they didn’t see, was the coiled weapon beneath. I was quickly set upon by the same two orderlies. It was then I wish I had my B.A.L.L.S. or the Ballistic Armored Lightweight Logistical Shield I used to have when I was a cop. Just then, the Moose Ass Police showed up. I have had experiences with these kinds of so called “cops†before.
The first one out of the car got poo flung straight into his eye. I knew what was coming next. His partner maced me, I was ready for this however and ran screaming into traffic clutching my face in agony. To the untrained eye, this would appear to be a random act, but I knew they wouldn’t follow here. I bent down and tightened the Velcro on my sneakers, I was ready for speed now. The cops were on me again, I was out of poo, so we went hand to hand. The cops promptly shot a taser at me; I blocked it with my right nipple. The effect of the taser had predictable results as I soiled myself again while twitching on the pavement. It was too much for my Depends and they quickly went aflame. The cops used fire extinguishers to put down my raging underwear, and I made my break. I successfully commandeered the patrol car while the cops were finishing of the flames in the street. The cool polyester against my bare flesh sent a tingle of excitement down my spine, unfortunately it also caused a little pee to come out, that’s okay though, I was in control.
I put the siren on wail and hit the car’s gas. Unfortunately it was in reverse and threw itself into a drainage ditch. I had to bail. I sprang from the car and made for the open grass but was tackled by the older cop. I went for his gun and he blocked my movement by slamming my head into the ground. I was ready for this however and lost consciousness.
Thanks for the comments.
Thank you Sir.
