Wife/Girlfriend is ANTI! What to do??

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Thank You

I am amazed at what a vein I appear to have tapped in bringing out this post. Let me be perfectly clear that this is a legitimate situation that I am facing: I have been with my girlfriend for six years now, we are both in graduate study and will most likely (as long as we are still together) marry after we finish school. I really want to go into detail right now about my circumstances and to thank all of you who have given me considerate responses, but I seriously don't have the time at this moment. I appologize for being curt here, but I must leave the house in like ten minutes.

I will be back tonight to further explain my situation. Thank you all again for your responses.

Chris
 
Ruger451

You opened a can of worms didn't you.;)

I have not posted this meaning to be a smart ass or to make light of your situation. I have been there myself.

If you can not convert or get acceptance from her before the I do's are exchanged your going to have to take up bowling. She wins you lose, that's just the rules of marriage. If you do not believe that ask your father.:D
 
As a ex-therapist
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That explains a lot. (sorry just got off work)

Typical therapist mombojumbo. Thats as good as the anger managment guy telling you it isn't fine to feel the natual human emotion of anger when someone does something totaly angering, or paying your child to go to school so that they get something out of it.

He bought the gun because he wanted to. It is about her wanting to change him as a "therapist" you should know that that isn't part of a healthy relationship.
 
Call it off.

NOW!

If she has not come to accept your interest in guns after six years, what makes you think there is even a microscopic shred of possibility that the situation might get better after you go from renting to owning guns, and after you get married?

You be dreamin', boy.
 
Ruger, you posted on this topic more than a month ago and described it as a "nightmare". You are dealing not with her own attitude but she is reinforced by her family and friends about the matter.

You describe your girlfriend as "flipping her lid" and being "livid".

Do you really need input, here?

Surely you realize by now this has less to do with education, or helping her get over a phobia, than with her establishing and keeping CONTROL of you.

She's fine, YOU are the one with a gun problem.....
Do you GET that yet?

This is just the beginning, not one little thing to iron out.

You didn't start with a gun hobby, as I recall, but you bought a gun while you were years into the relationship.
It could have been a motorcycle, it could have been stamp collecting,
but there is a lot of social support for her to flip out with a phobia about guns.
Mumsy, and Daddykins, and her girlfriends are going to bend her ear every day until she "wins" or until she ditches you.

Same thing happened to me.
At first she seemed like she was cool and fine with it, but the snide comments and funny looks became pretty regular.
My intransigense about my right to have a gun was just the tip of her resentments over lost control.

The issue was not really anything I did, but more the fact that I would not SUBMIT to her judgements or disaprovals.

Do I even need to mention that we were split up within 3 years of me buying my first gun?

Some posters say they converted their wives or girlfriends.... but did anybody ever convert someone who dug in their heels on the need to control? Anybody?


--Travis--
 
Maybe she wants children and does not want guns in the house for this reason.
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Implying that that reason is reasonable.

While it's certainly the opinion of many, it's neither logical nor reasonable. Children are at a far greater danger from most household objects than from firearms.

Nor was this discussed, from the information we are given, which makes her objection unvoiced and therefore apparently irrational.

If she can't explain her objection (Assuming for sake of argument this is part of it), she can't communicate.

If she can't communicate her wants and needs, but can only demand, threaten and "become livid," the marriage is doomed now and the potential for violence exists.

If she becomes violent, your weapons may be seized and you may be slapped with a restraining order yourself--common practice a lot of places.

You also may be accused of being the instigator (in fact, at least one in this thread has already done so).

It trips warning bells to me. "You can't do things I don't like, even if I'm not being asked to share. No, I will NOT be reasonable and learn a cursory amount in an attempt to UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT the thoughts of my life partner. No, I will not agree to sit back. YOU WILL DO AS I SAY OR I SHALL BECOME ANGRY!"

You know, that's my mother. The woman I don't dare trust unattended around my kids.

I'd try to get her to voice her position and rationale. If she can, you MAY be able to come to an agreement--you keep the weapons locked up (though that could cross your line, I don't know your feelings), and she doesn't bother you. If it's "them or me," I vote you live YOUR life and let her live hers. Apart.
 
I realize I'm beating a dead horse here, but leave this woman now. She will hurt you. I dated an anti for a bit. She discovered the fact that I have an arsenal greater than your average 3rd World Country and decided it was best to skip.

Then I found the woman I'm with today. things aren't perfect. (I like guns more than she). But she does shoot with me from time to time, and is actually quite good. (Better with rifles than me).

Actually, the gun issue wasn't the only thing i was having problems with , and I doubt guns are the only issue your having with her either.

Look, relationships are like a teeter-totter. You have things, she has things. These are non-negotiable (despite what Playboy thinks). Then, there is compromise. Success is based upon that which is compromisable and that which is acceptable.

My last girl couldn't deal with guns, (in fact is a member of the Brady Campaign!!!), and thought after finding out about my weapons that I was the only Jewish Neo-Nazi ever (yes, she is that deluded, quite sad). She was a Lebanese Christian, and I tried to establish the idea of guns as a good thing for minority groups (considering Lebanese Muslims tried to kill off all the minority Christian population, I don't understand what's so hard to see about that). I also tried to use logic concerning crime, violence, and the Second Amendment. It didn't work because she wasn't wanting to debate with logic, but instead emotion.

Just saying, move on now. It'll save you money, heartache, and pain in the long run.
 
I will be back tonight to further explain my situation. Thank you all again for your responses.
Chris
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However, if this turns out to be some class psych experiment, I expect people here will be unhappy.

I do recall a woman I dated (mercifully) briefly, who was shocked and bothered that I had guns.

Then she asked questions, let me explain at length, and nodded.

A few days later, it was, "You seem so normal, for a gun nut. Not at all what I expected."

Then, "Of course, you're still a nut and a potential killer and a fascist."

Then, "And Libertarians are just selfish people who hate the poor! You've never been poor!" (I was renting in the Irvington District of Indy at the time...)(and she was a rich white girl going to college on Daddy's $$)

Then, "If you can't see that you have a problem, that you're just a crime waiting to happen, that people like you are what's wrong with this society..."

I gave her an invitation to find the door.

Now, this may not be the case with you...but I also recall an activist who got jailed because a relative by marriage reported his "Arsenal" to the police.
 
Rosstradamus

Appeal to authority? Okay, I will gladly yield to your expertise. What exactely would that be again. I myself only have an advanced degree in psychology and 6yrs of prior practice.

Hasty conclussion? You have no idea what criteria I used to come to my conclusion so how do you judge it "hasty".

Pure speculation? That is the part a therapist plays. We try to help people decern answers for themselves by challenging what they do and do not know about a situation. Do you have concrete information? The original poster was very vague about reasons.

Blame the victim? Are you somehow turning this into a victimization. Is he being taken advantage of somewhow that he didn't mention to anyone but you? Maybe I missed something but I did not see that in his post.
 
Did you have children in the car with that loaded handgun in the glovebox?
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I fail to see how this is relevant.

Also, since you had a child in the house do you feel she was wrong to want to take the precaution of locking the guns away while the child was young?
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Young children generally lack the strength or dexterity to work a weapon, certainly to load it. A high shelf suffices. They're more at risk from household chemicals and kitchen knives, which everyone feels comfortable with and leaves within reach of any child with a stepstool or box.

Why did you feel the need to go buy an additional weapon when the ones you had were already a point of debate?
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Why is he obligated to justify his wants or needs? Why is it HE who should adapt? Is it not equally valid that SHE adapt?

If you are in fact a counselor, you remind me of the one we went to and ditched. "Oh, if the house is a mess and bills aren't getting paid and this bothers you, YOU do it. Put all the bills in your name. Do all the cleaning. If you're REALLY BOTHERED by the idea of the power being shut off because 90 days worth of mail is unopened, deal with it."

Did you feel like you had to do this to prove something to yourself or to her?
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Do you feel everything a man does is a challenge, a compensation? I notice not once have you suggested the WOMAN change.

Is that why you're an EX-therapist? Because I wouldn't pay for your one-sided, accusatory advice.
 
I was sick of renting and now I'm in the process of buying, and she is livid
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A co-worker married a woman who was mildly anti. She tolerated his guns... UNTIL their first baby was born. Then she forced him to sell all of them.

If she's already livid, expect it to get worse after you're married and exponentially worse after the kids.

Right now, you are faced with a decision. If you're not willing to give up shooting then you'd better not marry her. If you can give up shooting then do it. Maybe you can bring her around in time, but that is HIGHLY unlikely.

Remember, anytime she wants to, she CAN force you to get rid of all your guns and prevent you from ever buying another one legally. All she has to do is call the police and claim you hit her and you'll never be a legal gun owner again.
pax said:
The purpose of dating is to find someone who is already your ideal -- not to find someone you can force into acting like your ideal.
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Bullseye!

Finally, in case no one has said it, converting someone who gets "livid" about a topic is nearly impossible. Unless the topic can be discussed rationally, with a minimum of emotion, you're not going to get anywhere at all. Your only real hope is that she or a family member or close friend will be the victim of violent crime and that it will open her eyes. Short of an epiphany on her part, I think that your chances of converting her are just almost exactly zero.
 
Mad Mike

You think asking if a small child would be near a loaded and accesible weapon is an irrelevant question? These wre all just questions that would make him consider where his wife was coming from. I guess some people are threatened by lternative points of view therefore are defensive about questions such as these.
 
Penguin, you actually think this is a gun issue?

You're a therapist, or were, and are giving out advice like this? Your advice has further reinforced my negative stereotype of therapists and pyschology majors holding anti-masculine biases. Sorry Glen (G.E.M.), but I've only met a couple I thought were any decent.

This is a control issue. She isn't trying to influence an attitude, she's defining limits on his behavior that she has no right to. They aren't married, its his money, its his decision to make. It is a fight over control, this just happens to be the battlefield she fights on.

I don't understand why a therapist would suggest a dating couple needs to stick it out and compromise for the good of the relationship because that's the thing mature, healthy people do. As PAX said, the purpose of dating is to find someone as closely compatable to you as possible, and that necessitates ending relationships over issues that individuals find important. I still disagree this is a battle of issues or beliefs, its a battle of will and control.

You've stated he changed the dynamic of the relationship when he bought a gun, and suggests he's trying to push an issue, and somehow his choice was disruptive and unreasonable. That's one of the most foolish assertions I've heard a counselor make, and if I were seeing you for pre-marriage relationship advice, I'd end the session there and never return. This was his money, his choice, his life, and she's livid over it. Its not a drug habit, addiction, rent money (is it, are you co-habitating? THAT changes the dynamics), she really has no say in a DATING relationship over it. I could be more persuaded if she were complaining over a golfing interest because it denied her time with him.

How would you suggest couples handle changes in attitudes, beliefs and lifestyles? None of us are static individuals. As we mature, and our stations in life change, our outlooks change, too. Many folks here will testify to how marriage, children, the death of a parent, or God forbid health issues have affected our attitudes and can cause a re-evaluation of ourselves. Are you suggesting that since he wasn't a certain way when they first started dating he's not permitted any alteration? That is unreasonable, and untenable advice.

If she is unwilling to permit an atmosphere that allows for him to change and grow personally, I'd end it. Any man here, and most women, will agree she'll begin to insist he change into something more palatable for husband and father material, however she defines that, after marriage. Your assertion that he changed and by that process somehow violates a pre-established relationship contract isn't a realistic approach to problem solving as a couple.

I don't see this an a battle over an issue at all, its a battle of wills. Women who fight those battles win them, dude. They always win, either the man gives in, and is resentful, or he doesn't, and she makes his life miserable until she gets her way. This is the time of life to establish healthy relationships with healthy women. It isn't virtuous to stay with an incompatable person, or in an unequal relationship, and to perpetuate one denies us the opportunity to find a better match.
 
We are not rednecks with no experience in these maters. Don't assume that because your on a "gun board" that we do not have the education nor life experience. I have an Ivy league undergraduate and MBA. Been there, done that. Sir, you are doomed if you continue this course.
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+1 and then some here.
10yrs military LEO + PhD (Social Psychology) here.
 
I don't see this an a battle over an issue at all, its a battle of wills. Women who fight those battles win them, dude. They always win, either the man gives in, and is resentful, or he doesn't, and she makes his life miserable until she gets her way.
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Well, they don't always win....

Sometimes, they run into a fellow who's already dealt with one like 'em before.... and they find themselves sitting at the curb wondering what just happened, the very first time they pull that crap.

You can ask my 2nd ex-wife about this if you don't believe me. ;)


J.C.
 
These wre all just questions that would make him consider where his wife was coming from.
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1. NOT his wife.
2. Irrelevant.

"livid" was the term used to describe the woman. That doesn't describe someone "coming from" any rational place, and therefore the rational reasons you're making up are just that--made up.

This isn't about guns. It's not about how to make this relationship work.

This is about two people who are trying to determine if they're compatible. There's no shame in their finding that they're not.
If you care more about a gun than you do your spouse then something is wrong.
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This isn't about a spouse.
I would not give up a definate and loving relationship ...
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I'm really not getting this impression from what's been posted.
is super anti-firearm...she opposes me at every turn...she is livid...I'm trying my damnedest, but she is one tough cookie to crack...my weary spirit...will most likely (as long as we are still together) marry...
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One person is livid, opposing the other at every turn and backed by her family. The other is weary in spirit, trying his damnedest and quite ready to admit that they might not be together much longer. If this were about a married couple with an established life together and a family, I might give different advice, but these two are only dating. NOW is the time for them to break this off. You don't go INTO a marriage livid, oppositional, weary in spirit and ready to admit defeat--that's just plain crazy.
 
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