Violence Policy Center Claims .50 Caliber Rifles Can Shoot Down Satellites
The Violence Policy Center (VPC) released another new report calling for strict regulation on the .50 caliber rifle. The VPC's new report, "Hotter Than a Heat-Seeker, More Devastating Than a Death Ray", claims that .50 caliber rifles can shoot down U2 spy planes, damage military satellites, and may have played a role in the recent unexplained crash of the space shuttle Columbia.
"These are extremist weapons of nigh-inexplicable power," explained the VPC senior analyst Tom Diaz. "We've fabricated - er - found evidence that this extremist super-weapon, which is shockingly under-regulated, may have fallen into extremist terrorist hands and played a role in the tragic Cold War downing of U2 pilot Gary Powers. These extremist rifles can swat aircraft from the sky just like hunting birds, and pose a great risk for our unprotected International Space Station."
"Look, I'm really quite at a loss for how to deal with these ridiculous claims," began exasperated Fifty Caliber Rifle Association spokesman Johann Brett. "You cannot shoot down a large airplane, let alone a satellite, with any caliber rifle. In World War II, fighters equipped with many heavy machine guns and cannons put hundreds of rounds of incendiary ammunition into slow-flying bombers and they often still survived. No one has ever been killed by a criminal with a .50 caliber rifle. They cost thousands of dollars and weigh more than two bowling balls, but in the end they're just rifles, not super-weapons. And anyway you don't hunt birds with a rifle, you need a shotgun."
Diaz dismissed Brett's response as biased gun lobby propaganda. "These gun industry extremists have long hidden the truth about the extremist weapon's power," he insisted. "For example, there are indications that the asteroid belt was produced by a stray .50 caliber round from a gun extremist's rifle impacting on what was previously a perfectly bucolic and peaceful world. And we suspect that the planet Alderaan, Princess Leia's homeworld, disintegrated under the extremist wrath of an extremist's extreme .50 caliber bullet."
For his part, Brett described the VPC's claims as "lunacy". "The asteroid belt was not caused by the .50 caliber rifle," he insisted. "It took a moon-sized Death Star to destroy Alderaan, and anyway that was a movie, not real life."
"I can't understand why the press considers this constant stream of fantastic,concocted reports credible and prints them," Brett fired back. "The VPC is an anti-gun organization with a million-dollar annual budget from the Joyce Foundation, no actual academic researchers, and a tiny staff of propagandists. Why do you print this insanity?"
"Extremist extremist extremist extremist gun lobby extremist," countered Diaz. "Anyway, the New York Times prints anything we write, so it'll get printed." Diaz noted that the VPC has sponsored new bills to ban the .50 caliber rifle in numerous states. "This threat to public safety cannot go unchecked," Diaz asserted. "The .50 caliber rifle must be banned to reduce crime, or fight terrorism, or, you know, whatever."
Legislative battles involving the .50 caliber rifle are expected to continue throughout the next coming years.
from the Simon Jester project - bringing levity to the insanity!
