Admittedly unreasonable fear of firearms

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AmbulanceDriver

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Ok. I'm in need of some assistance here from the kind folks of THR. My girlfriend has an admittedly unreasonable fear of firearms. This is a source of some frustration on my part, but it also frustrates her. I've spoken to her about firearms, and shared with her that one of the reasons I'd like her to start shooting is that it would give us another activity to do together, instead of my taking time to go to the range without her. She has stated that this is something that she would like to do, except that she is terrified of firearms. Literally. Here's an example of a recent encounter:

Sitting at home one evening, decided to try to introduce her to the very basic fundamentals (4 rules, sight picture, the different parts/types of firearms). Went to the other room, decided to start with an air gun to get her familiar with them without the fear associated with a real firearm. Went through the basics using the air gun, no problems. She was a little apprehensive about handling the air gun, but ended up taking it, establishing a sight picture, etc. Even seemed fairly comfortable with it. So far so good.

So I decided to take it to the next step. Went back, got my little .22 pistol out. She was fine with me handling it, showing her the differences regarding the safety mechanisms, the magazine, all the different parts, etc. Again re-emphasized the 4 rules. However, she absolutely flat out refused to touch it. She wouldn't even handle the magazine (separate from the pistol) without quite a bit of prompting. But as far as touching a real firearm, it was no-go. After I had put everything back away, she talked to me about it. She recognized that it was a baseless fear. Even though she'd had one semi-close encounter with a negligent discharge by her neighbor (round went over their berm, through the kitchen window, lodged in a cabinet) she said that it wasn't even because of that incident that she was so scared. She just stated that it was almost like I was asking her to handle a tarantula when I asked her to hold the gun. She herself states that it's a baseless, irrational fear, but that it's there nonetheless.

Pax, I've read through your website, and I'm encouraging her to do the same. I'm definitely willing to be patient with this. I'm going to ask her to come to the range with me (indoor range, ballistic glass between the range and the observation area, so it's pretty quiet) and just watch. Just so she has another positive exposure to firearm use. She has no problem with my concealed handgun license, nor with my growing collection. I'm aware that it may be a situation where she never is able to move past this fear. But I hope that with patience, and repeated positive exposures to firearms, she may eventually come around. Any suggestions from THR members, especially those who are firearms instructors, would be greatly appreciated.... Thanks.
 
decided to start with an air gun to get her familiar with them without the fear associated with a real firearm.
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Since she seems to be able to handle the airgun okay, how about teaching her to shoot with it? It's a little baby step, but I think that's what's required at this point. If she learns to shoot an airgun with some success and has some fun with it, it'll desensitize her just a little bit. If she can't get beyond that, it's okay, don't push her. It may take her a long time to come around. BTW, shooting with an airgun is a great way to practice your fundamentals, so don't think of it as wasted time. You can have as much fun with an airgun as she can. ;)
 
Well you've already tried everything I would have suggested. I have the opposite problem. My girlfriend was a natural and enjoyed shooting when I took her. She likes to field strip my Sig, and asked me to buy a gun for her to shoot with me. I told her I was fine with that as soon as I have the extra cash, and took her to the gun store. I was hoping she'd want a PPk or something like that. Nope. She immediately fell in love with the most expencive gun there, an HK USP Compact (doh!). She told me she wasn't confortable with anything less than 9mm, because that's what I carry and she has the same recurring dream that I do (shooting an attacking BG several times with absolutely no effect). So we got the polar opposites in the way of girlfriends. The one that is affraid of guns vs. the one that wants a gun I can't afford.

I'm not a professional psychiatrist or anything, but I think that she probably has a legitimate phobia of firearms, best described by her statement that it would be like handling a tarantula. If TV has taught me anything (jk, lol) it's that the best way to conquer a phobia is to face it head on. I'd take her to the range and have her watch through the glass. Another thing you could do is take her to a gun safety class. Spend the first few hours going over safety and the last hour shooting 22s as a group. Perhaps with a professional instructor and in a group she may be willing to take the next step and fire a gun. Just a thought, but it may be worth trying.

EDIT: Just a thought, have you considered getting an airsoft version of your gun? It would function the same way and probably help to desensitize her. If they look and feel the same, it won't be a huge step for her to move to the real deal. Just a thought. Oh, I like sacp81170a's idea too.
 
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I realize this is my first post here... but I was in a similar situation with my girlfriend.

She was afraid of firearms, and I persuaded her to come to the range with me, she was almost convinced to try handling one of the smaller firearms until she was standing behind me as I fired a full-grain round from my ported 4" .357. From then on she was convinced that just about everything was an incredibly loud, fire-breathing, scary thing. Anyways, I digress...

How I got her to handle and become interested in marksmanship: I showed her my Marlin .22; bolt-action, tubular magazine. I guess for her a long gun wasn't as scary as a handgun. I introduced the firearm along with the ammunition for it, comparing it to my .357 loads. Back at the range, I fired off a couple shots while explaining operation of the .22. It was relatively quiet compared to the .357, no recoil, and not as intimidating. I convinced her to fire a shot through it, and she practically fell in love with it. I don't really have any advice on how to get your girl to actually pick up a firearm, but my suggestion would be a small caliber long gun.

Handguns are often seen as more intimidating than a long gun. I know that was the case for myself (took me 15 years after I handled my first firearm to work up to a handgun), and for my girlfriend. Something like a .22 or a .17 rifle might be the ticket... especially compared to a pellet gun (they come in the same calibers... .177 and .22).
 
Ambulance Driver ~

Sounds like you're doing most everything right, and that it may end up being only a matter of time.

I certainly wouldn't push her to do anything she's radically uncomfortable doing, but if she's willing to challenge her own fears, try to just take it one step at a time. If she says the next step is too big for her to face, encourage her to take a smaller one instead.

For instance, if she's uncomfortable handling a firearm just yet, maybe have her sit next to you while you are cleaning the firearms. If she can't even do that much, at least encourage her to stay in the same room with you while you are handling them. After she's coped with that much a few times, check to see if the next step (handling one herself) is still too overwhelming, or if it's become a little more possible. If picking up the firearm is still too overwhelming after that, find out if she's willing to handle one of the pieces -- for instance, the barrel by itself while the gun is in pieces on the table. Basically, just keep breaking the task down until it becomes manageable, and then build from there.

Did I mention time? This is not going to happen overnight, and will only happen as long as she is willing to face her own fears. It'll also take a lot of trust on both of your parts. She has to trust that you aren't going to force her or hurt her in any way, and you have to trust that she is telling the truth whenever she says, "That's enough for now."

Ask her if she's willing to take an NRA first steps class, with your or without you. If she is as fearful as you describe, she may not be willing to try it -- but she might surprise you. She might even find that it's somewhat easier to work past the fear without you being there (yeah, I know, but it's surprising how often it does help to be intro'd by a stranger).

The other thing that may help is encouraging her to talk about it and explore her feelings, not in a judgmental way but simply as a way to figure out if there is some specific thing that frightens her about guns. An example: for one woman I know, it was the noise. She was just very frightened of and worried about loud noises. The temporary cure (which I guess sounds silly, but made sense at the time and which she eventually stopped needing) was for her to put ear muffs on whenever the guns came out, even just for cleaning. Doing that reduced her overall anxiety level enough that she could face the rest of her fears.

Again, if she's willing to talk / think / explore her feelings, she might find that there's a hefty dose of guilt underneath the fear. So much of our society has been brainwashed into thinking guns are "bad" and "only for killing" that she may have some important ethical / philosophical adjustments to make in the privacy of her own mind. And that's okay, too.

HTH ... some, anyway.

pax
 
AmbDr
If this is important to you PM me. You can use my range. I do not think you are far away. Private, peaceful and we can make it fun (when the rain stops). I have everything from airsofts up. This is like a "fear on flying" thing. My wife has got to stage of "I'll do it but I still don't like it" but at least she sees the requirement.
 
Wow, you've got patience of a saint and it sounds like you're doing everything right. Did someone in her childhood throw a gun in her hands that was powerful and scarred her for life?

Find another female around that loves to shoot, preferably one that also has their CCW license. Have her talk to your girlfriend. Sometimes, women are intimidated by the male presence around guns. They don't want to come off as being horrible shots, even though must women are very good shots.

I had a lady I instructed in my CCW last weekend that her whole body was shaking while we were doing range time. I asked her why she was shaking, was she cold or nervous? She said she was nervous, but she finally settled down and was not bad at all.

It's quite surprising that she is OK having the guns in the house and that you carry.:confused:
 
She recognized that it was a baseless fear. Even though she'd had one semi-close encounter with a negligent discharge by her neighbor (round went over their berm, through the kitchen window, lodged in a cabinet) she said that it wasn't even because of that incident that she was so scared. She just stated that it was almost like I was asking her to handle a tarantula when I asked her to hold the gun. She herself states that it's a baseless, irrational fear, but that it's there nonetheless.
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She sounds like an intelligent girl and I believe that if you don't push her but ask her to participate a little at a time, like going with you to watch you shoot, etc, that she might get over her fear.
At least it seems she is willing to meet you half way.
You are fortunate to have such a lady.:)

Also, if you haven't done so, explain that a little fear, called respect, for any machinery that can hurt you is a healthy thing.
She shouldn't mistake intelligent respect for fear.


But there are some "unreasonable" fears that people have a very difficult time with and sometimes never get over, fear of flying, fear of heights, bugs, etc.
 
. I'm definitely willing to be patient with this.
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I hope your also willing to be very careful as well.

Phobia's may be better delt with by professionals, and unless she truely wants to deal with this fear, even they will do no good. To push , even lightly, may give results you won't like.

There are some things that you can't change - those you must accept.

My point is just a reminder to you that you may not only have to be very patient, you may have to be accepting as well .
 
i would agree with the rest. start off with the pellet rifle. get her to fire it off and such. be good to get a .22 caliber pellet rifle, then its a small step from that to a .22 cartrige rifle. then from there work your way up. say go from a .22 rim fire to a .223 or something. all the same size bullet, but the shell is different sized. i would say save hand guns to the very last. they can be intimidating even for a vetren gun owner at times.

just work your way through in baby steps. go from things with small pops and very little recoil. and work your way up to where she feels comfortable. may never get to the fire breathing magnums and such. but she may with time.
 
That really is a phobia she has.

Desensitization is what has to occur, and it is a long process. You were on the right track, you just went too fast. Stick with the airsofts for awhile, and while you can encourage her to take the next step, ideally she will ask to take the next step herself. That next step can be having a gun in the room, across the room. Then eventually, halfway across the room. Then on the table nearby. Then on the table right in front of her. She picks it up when she is ready. Or maybe she just touches it at first. Then she picks it up. This can take months, or it can take less, certainly, but it won't happen in an evening.

A psychologist who specializes in phobias can do this, but it isn't necessary. You two can work through it, but she has to be the one who "drives the bus" on the timing.

Good luck, and good for you for being patient. Phobias are conquerable, with motivation, but it's painful and difficult.

Springmom
 
I recently left a girl almost strictly for political reasons, she was very pro gun got pissed off when I came home "smelling like guns". She never would give me any reason, the odd thing is that she grew up in Alaska her dad and brother both carry and hunt and her mom does IPSC. Anyway my point being some people have unfounded fears, I congratualte you on your slow pace, hopefully she will come around.
 
Thanks

For all the good advice so far. I really do want this to work out for her, and so far, my impression is that she was as well. After that night, she kept apologizing for "disappointing" me that she wasn't able to even handle the gun. I made sure that she understood that in no way had she disappointed me. And she isn't hugely uncomfortable with the idea of firearms. She doesn't run screaming from the room when she sees one or anything like that. She doesn't even recoil away if she accidentally bumps my CHL weapon. It's a strange dichotomy in that the general idea of firearms doesn't really bother her. It doesn't bother her to see me handling a firearm. It is just that she is terrified to touch one.

I do like the idea of introducing the firearms "one piece at a time" as it were, for example while cleaning one. That may help to assuage her fear somewhat. But I'm definitely not going to push it. I suspect the next step may be to take the .22's to the local range, let her watch through the glass, and see what happens.

I'll also talk to her about the air guns. Her parents sit on a couple of acres, and that may be a comfortable surroundings for her to try the air guns out.
 
I would not push too hard. If she were one of those gals who didn't want her man to shoot at all, then I would politely distance myself from her. But since she is not against your use of firearms, then I would not worry about it. Its not everybody's cup of tea.

Couples these days have too much togetherness. It seems they absolutely have to do everything together. I think all this enforced togetherness is driving the divorce rolls up. A real man can leave the house for a few hours for shooting or bowling or moderate drinking and a good woman can be trusted to attend her coffee klatch or sewing circle.
 
Familiarity Breeds Comfort

When I taught my wife to drive, we went out to a gravel pit where nothing could be damaged.

I used a technique that was used on me when I was learning my way around ships: repetition, along with touch-and-release.

I explained that the car would not run with the key switched off, and that if anything got out of hand, I would turn off the ignition or have her do it.

We spent the first hour doing certain things repeatedly, until she was completely comfortable.

I had her put the key in the ignition, then take it out. Had her work the clutch pedal. Work the hand brake. Work the foot brake. Turn and feel the wheel. Put the car in neutral and work through the gears. Put the car in neutral and have her turn the car on, then off. Turn on, then off. Turn on, then off.

I'm glossing over a lot, but I had her touch and handle everything until she was comfortable with each thing and knew its name.

Finally, I had her start the car, disengage the clutch, shift to first, let the clutch out until the car just started to move, the depress the clutch again. It was another half hour before we actually drove the car 50 feet.

In more than 20 years of driving since, she has never had a ticket or an accident.

We went through something similar when it got to be time for guns. Repetition. Touch and release.

I bought enough "snap ammo" for her to completely load the magazine and work it through the action.

We only moved on to the next step once she was comfortable with what we were doing.

I deliberately avoid such phrases as "See? Look how simple this is. Isn't that easy?" For her, it's by definition not easy.

I watch her face. If she starts to smile or chuckle, I know it's time to move to the next step.

I never, never, never tell her what I think she feels or what I think she thinks. Never. I will ask her how she's doing, ask her if she's ready for more. I never TELL her it's time for more.

The more SHE is in control, the more comfortable she is, and the more quickly she progresses.

If she had been frightened at the start, I would have used more "touch and release" . . . like this:
"Touch part of the gun." . . . "Okay, good."
"Now let go of it." . . . "Alright."
"Touch another part of the gun." . . . "Okay."
"Now let go of it." . . . "Great."
. . . and so on.

Another good way to get close to something is cleaning it.

It worked with me on ships. It worked with my wife and cars. It worked with me on guns. It's working for my wife on guns.

My only problem is that I still tend to talk too much while doing the exercise. It generally works better with less talk.
 
I had a girl like this once, I had an old wooden gun my grandfather made for me, that seemed to work well, got the sighting down and got the 4 rules down (as much as one can with a hunk of wood) and then we moved on to the .22lr. Loud noised and flashes have a huge shock effect on some people. You have so far described a great job that you are doing in introducing her to it, you could also involve a family member she trusts that could also go. Keep plugging away at it but dont push to hard. Good Luck.
 
Sean, fortunately that's the one thing I'm not worried about. Although why she sticks with me as tight as she does I'll never understand, I am nonetheless very grateful for it.

CornCod, I have to disagree with you there. At least about the too much togetherness thing. While she doesn't mind at all that I do go out with the guys every once in a while, or go to the range (and the opposite is also true, I don't mind when she goes out with the girls, etc) we do genuinely enjoy spending time together. I've introduced her to black & white photography, and she absolutely loved it. We spend the day in downtown Portland going to different locations and just taking pictures of everything around us. After a little while explaining to her the basics of the camera, she started with it in the fully automatic mode and gradually started taking over from the camera until she was doing most of the focusing/exposure control. Which is how i've been trying to approach the shooting issue. Just gonna need to take it more slowly before she's able to take over.
 
I think a .22 rifle with very quiet ammo is the best introduction. A bolt action single shot maybe is the friendliest. Or a 10/22 or other simple reliable autoloader. With a scope, for sure. Proper ear protection is absolutely key. If the sound is not muffled, it is a terrible experience.

Pistols are more dangerous in every way, to the user and the people around as well. Pistols splatter bits of lead back, the slide can hurt you, they have a lot of controls that can confuse the shooter.

Also go to a range when there are no other people there.

Plinking with a .22 rifle will make anyone feel relaxed I think.
 
Compartmentalization

The longer she waffles, the more she psyches herself out. It's like stannding on a bridge and jumping into the water. You see others doing it without harm, but having never done it, you don't know what to expect. After going through many a over reactive moment at the top of many cornices while snowboarding, I've learned that jumping off them is more advantageous than staring them down. As for jumping off bridges when it's safe, don't think anything but....CANNONBALL!!!

That's my take, but I'm no psych major.

A 22 is a good place to start, most newbs start there and move up.

jeepmor
 
Try teaching her to shoot with the air pistol. You can go to the range, or do it in your back garden if she would prefer more familiar surroundings.

How about buying/borrowing/renting a .22 of some sort and telling her it's an another airgun she can use.. Let her touch it, get a sight picture etc, then gently break it to her that it's real - and hasn't hurt her a bit.

You could give her an airsoft gun that looks real to practice with and get used to the appearance of a real one.

You could even try stripping your gun down and having her handle each individual part.

For a first gun to hold, I'd try a break open shotgun. It's not evil looking and because it will be broken open it is clearly and visibly incapable of firing.
 
Sounds to me like you need to spend a fair amount of time cleaning your collection of firearms. A threatening firearms doesn't look so threatening when it is in a box of pieces. As a pile of metal she will see it has no blood, no soul, no intellect, no moral agency, no means of autonomous locomotion. A gun is a pile of metal and nothing more. I wouldn't recommend taking apart a .22, however, a revolver, or a model 1911 would make the point.
 
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