Any Good Gun Jokes

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loadedround

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Any of you humorus guys have any funny gun jokes or short stories that I could beg. borrow, or steal to use as an MC at my annual army reunion. Most of these guys are hunters and shooters and we have enough army stories (BS) to tell. Help me out guys? :)
 
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson, that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
(College football and gun joke rolled into one)

A Texas fan and a Nebraska fan were sitting on their horses.
The Texas fan throws up a can of beer and shoots it.
The Nebraska fan asks, "Whaddya do that for?"
The Texas fan replies, "We have so much beer lying around that we don't know what to do with it!"
And they share a laugh.
Then the Nebraska fan throws up a bottle of wine and shoots it.
The Texas fan asks, "Well, now what did you do THAT for?"
To which the Nebraska fan replies, "We've got so much wine laying around that we don't know what to do with it!"
And again, they share a laugh.
Then an Iowa fan rides up on his horse and shoots the Nebraska fan off of his.
The Texas fan jumps and asks, "Well what in God's good name did you do that for?"
And the Iowa fan replies, "We've got so many Nebraska fans lying around, we don't know what to do with 'em!"
 
If you ever seriously thought about dabbing a little Hoppe's #9 on your neck before going out on a date, you just might be a gun nut.

If you buy some checkering tools, checker all your gun stocks, and then start on the bedposts, you just might be a gun nut.

If you cannot recall how many firearms you own, you just might be a gun nut.

If you buy a gun at a shop only to find out you used to own it a couple of years ago, you just might be a gun nut.

If you ever clean a gun that hasn't been shot in the week since you cleaned it last, you just might be a gun nut.

If you consider naming your unborn child Winchester or Remington, you justmight be a gun nut.

If you purchased two Glocks and two Sigs just to see which brand was better, you just might be a gun nut.

If your drive to work is filled with reverie about why Ed's Red actually works, you just might be a gun nut.

If you strip all the paint off our car and refinish it with cold blue, you just might be a gun nut.

If you ever bought ammo in a caliber for which you have no gun, because you thought some day you MIGHT get a gun in that caliber, you just might be be a gun nut.

If your collection of American Rifleman back issues, Gun Digests and reloading manuals cost you a premium the last time you moved, you just might be a gun nut.

If you have more than one gun that "kills on both ends," you just might be a gun nut.

If you know the difference between a "clip" and a "magazine," you just might be a gun nut.

If you buy high capacity magazines for a gun you have not bought yet, you just might be a gun nut.

If you take your guns out of the safe each night and handle them, just so you can wipe them off before putting them away, you just might be a gun nut.

If your family asks what new gun junk you want for Christmas this year, you just might be a gun nut.

If you see TV footage of the war in Bosnia and wish you were there to pick up the brass, you just might be a gun nut.

If you drive 300 miles just to ogle (and fire) HK-MP5s (and Stens, Uzis, BMGs and whatever else shows up at Knob Creek), you just might be a gun nut.

If you keep a loaded gun hidden in every room in the house, including the bathroom, you just might be a gun nut.

If you consider it unpatriotic not to own at least one .45 and one .22, you just might be a gun nut.

If you own reloading dies for calibers that you do not shoot, you just might be a gun nut.

If you tape American Shooter so you can pause, reverse and fast forward to do a complete analysis of the show, you just might be a gun nut.

If you understand Smith & Wesson's model numbers, you just might be a gun nut.

If you ever bought two brands of the same weight and type of bullet, just to see if one "shot better," you just might be a gun nut.

If you keep a collection of different cartridges at your place of work as a "conversation piece," you just might be a gun nut.

If you take your wife to a gun show for your 10th Anniversary and she is as excited to go as you are, you BOTH just might be gun nuts.

If you and your new father-in-law go to a gun show on your wedding day, you just might be a gun nut.

If you have life memberships in more than one shooting organization, you just might be a gun nut.

If you read that "Brady II" would outlaw possession of more than 1,000 rounds of ammunition and think, "I have more than that rolling around loose in the trunk of my car!" you just might be a gun nut.

If watching The Lion King gives you the itch for a .470 Nitro Express, you just might be a gun nut.

If you go to three different gun shows within a month, you just might be a gun nut.

If your guns are cleaner than your home, you just might be a gun nut.

If your mom gives you a new Springfield Armory .308 sniper rifle for Christmas, you just might be a gun nut.

If four local gun shops know you by name, you just might be a gun nut.

If you have your own BATF agent (mounted any suitable way), you just might be a gun nut.

If you identify the gun on the cover of Dillon's Blue Press before you notice the girl, you just might be a gun nut.

If you have more gunpowder stashed in your home than your local sporting goods store has on hand, you just might be a gun nut.

If all of your children are life members of the NRA, you just might be a gun nut.

If you make $30 per hour at work, but spend 30 minutes on your knees at the range looking for that last piece brass, you just might be a gun nut.

If you have Brownells on speed dial, you just might be a gun nut.

If the custom door lock pulls on your Jeep are .223 Rem cases and the gear shift knob is a .50 BMG, you just might be a gun nut.

If your girl friend thinks that aura of Hoppes #9 is your favorite after shave, you just might be a gun nut.

If you watch old WWII movies and can identify all the rifles and handguns, but can't remember who starred in the movie or what it was about, you just might be a gun nut.

If, when you hear or see the numbers 221 you automatically think "fireball," 257 you think "Roberts," 218 "Bee," 45-70 "government," etc., and can't stop, you just might be a gun nut.

If your pickup is subject to search at any given time because, in your state, empty cartridge cases rolling around the floor are considered probable cause, you just might be a gun nut.

If you get a flat tire and realize that you've got 400 pounds of shot, a Hefty bag each of wads and empty hulls, and enough primers to re-open the main shaft of the Lost Dutchman all sitting on top of your spare tire, you just might be a gun nut.

If you wonder what size rings you would need to mount the Hubble Space Telescope on a varmint rifle, you just might be a gun nut.

If .22LR cartridges frequently find their way into your wife's washing machine, you just might be a gun nut.

If your gun safe cost more than your dining room set, you just might be a gun nut.

If you know guys who are active military and you have more shooting experience than they do, you just might be a gun nut.

If you visit the shooting range more then twice a week, you just might be a gun nut.

If your wife demands that you have to sell a gun before you can buy another, you just might be a gun nut.

If you have ever had your local sporting goods store call your house and ask, "We are doing a stock order, did you need anything?" . . . you just might be a gun nut.

If the checkering pattern of your favorite 1911 is permanently impressed in your palm, you just might be a gun nut.

If your bridal registry is at the local gun shop, you just might be a gun nut.

If the largest gun store in your area calls you if they need something they can't get elsewhere, you just might be a gun nut.

If you bought 7 or more AK-47's just so you could have different ones from different countries (Bulgarian, Romanian, Russian, Yugoslavian, Egyptian, Chinese, etc.), you just might be a gun nut.

If you have framed targets hanging in your bathroom or hallway, with tight groups that you have shot, you just might be a gun nut.

Not exactly a joke, but.... if you're against guns because they kill kids but are in favor of abortion..,. you must be a liberal.
 
Well, I'm probably not a humorous guy, but I know of a story that is both gun- and Army-related:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher.

'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

I believe this is funny, and what is more surprising, reasonably clean... :)
 
Yeah I gotta good one....

High Point
Click to expand...

Creative. Now get back in your playpen the adults are trying to talk.


A priest was delivering a sermon entitled "Stand Still and let the good Lord Fight your battles", on the topic of not fighting but letting God vanquish evil himself. As he was delivering the sermon, a gust of wind lifted his garment and the congregation noticed he was carrying a gun.

After the service a congregant asked him, "I understood your sermon, but aren't you contradicting yourself by carrying a gun? You did say you are supposed to let the Lord fight your battles for you?"

"I do", said the priest "the gun is just to hold them off until the Lord gets here".
Click to expand...

The Bronze Rat

A tourist walks into a curio shop in New York City. Looking around at the exotics, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner:

"How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Hudson River, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS -- and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the river, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze anti-gunner."
Click to expand...
 
There's the one about the Marine Sniper who was asked what he felt when he shot an enemy combatant.

The Marine sniper thought a second and replied "Recoil".
 
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
 
A Texas fan and a Nebraska fan were sitting on their horses.
The Texas fan throws up a can of beer and shoots it.
The Nebraska fan asks, "Whaddya do that for?"
The Texas fan replies, "We have so much beer lying around that we don't know what to do with it!"
And they share a laugh.
Then the Nebraska fan throws up a bottle of wine and shoots it.
The Texas fan asks, "Well, now what did you do THAT for?"
To which the Nebraska fan replies, "We've got so much wine laying around that we don't know what to do with it!"
And again, they share a laugh.
Then an Iowa fan rides up on his horse and shoots the Nebraska fan off of his.
The Texas fan jumps and asks, "Well what in God's good name did you do that for?"
And the Iowa fan replies, "We've got so many Nebraska fans lying around, we don't know what to do with 'em!"
Click to expand...

Just mentioning Nebraska/Texas football in the same breath as Iowa is Hilarious!
 
This is my weapon this is my gun.:rolleyes:
I never had an accidental discharge. ;) But I have had it go off, while I was cleaning it. :what: :evil: :confused:
 
A woman is at the funeral of her late husband. She is crying and several of her friends come over to try and console her. They talk about what a good man he was and how he really enjoyed hunting and shooting. The wife agrees with them and tells them his last words were about guns. Asked what his last words were his wife replies "Watch out honey, that might be loaded!!"
 
Two hunters were out in woods, when suddenly one grabbed his chest and moaning fell over. His friend rushed to him, and heard him moan, "my heart." His friend then tried to get him up to go back to their truck to take him to the hospital but he was nonresponsive. In a near panic by now he pulled out his cell phone and dailed 911. Luckily there was a signal and he got through to the emergency operator. He explained what had happened and that he thought his friend was dead. The operator tried to calm him down and said, "first I need you to make sure your friend is dead." There was a pause and then two loud bangs, "Okay," he said, "I'm sure."
 
Two guys were out hiking. One guy was proudly wearing a .22 pistol on his hip. The other guy asked him what it was for. The guy replies, "In case we run across a grizzly bear!". The first guy says, "You can't stop a grizzly bear with a .22!" The second guy replies, "I don't need to stop the grizzly bear, I just need to slow you down..."
 
I always liked this one:

Ten Reasons Why a Gun Is Better Than a Woman


10. You can trade an old 44 for two new 22s

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're
on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun, and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND.....THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY A GUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN....

1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.
 
How about that true story about the dog that shot the hunter? Man's best friend my ass.



I do love dogs though.
 
"Just mentioning Nebraska/Texas football in the same breath as Iowa is Hilarious!"


Thats funny right there... You do know that Nebraska was beaten by Iowa State this season right? I think the score was 9-7. Then if you recall that Iowa beat Iowa St 35-3.....
 
Two rich old city men are sitting at a coffee table having their morning coffee when one looks at the other and exclaims, " we should go bear hunting so we can get an authentic bear skin rug." The other friend agrees so they buy the nicest Jeep equipped with the findest off roading equipment money can buy, the best rifles and hunting gear, and head to Alaska to find a Grizzly.

Sure enough, they find one and as they are hauling out the carcass they come across a game warden. "Nice Grizzly you've got there guys. Mind if I see your hunting licenses?" Surprised, the men responded,"Licenses? we didnt know we needed a license to hunt a grizzly." The game warden shook his head and informed them that he would need to confiscate the bear as well as their rifles and jeep.

That evening, a little upset, the men are sitting at a local bar recalling the insident and they decide to give it another try. This time they buy the best 4x4 truck they can find, the best rifles money can buy, the best overall hunting gear, and are sure to buy their licenses before heading into the woods. Sure enough, they get another bear.. bigger than the first one. As they are hauling the bear out on the 4x4, they come across the same warden. "Can I see your licenses?" The men smile real big and produce the licenses without hesitation. "Very good, very good. Can I see your Bear tag?" With an extreme look of surprise the men just swallow and reponsd, "Tag?" The warden just shakes his head. "Sorry guys, I am going to have to take your bear, truck, and guns. You cannot hunt bear without the proper tags."

Later that evening the men are sitting in the bar and both are pissed. As a matter of principle and stubborness they are determined to leave with a Bear. So, they buy a new truck, even nicer than the first two, they buy the nicest rifles and best gear in town, and make sure to get the proper tags before heading out one more time. Sure enough, they find and kill another bear.. even bigger than the first two. As before, they come across the same warden on the way out of the woods. "Nice Bear guys. He is even bigger than the others. Can I see your licenses?" Grinning from ear to ear they both produce their licenses and tags. Satisfied that they have all the legalities covered , the warden compliments them on their bear but cannot help but ask why the shot the bear 3 times!!! once through both paws and once through the head. "The older man who shot the bear quickly corrected him... "NO!!!, I only shot him once, he threw up his paws when my friend shined the light in his face.


"Alright guys, going to need to confiscate your bear,guns........"
 
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