Cyber Bullies or, The younger generation more WIMPY than I thought

[Vernal45]

Can someone explain to me why this is news. Come on, if some kid gets bent out of shape, does something violent or kills him/herself becasue someone messaged, pmed, emailed them a nasty comment, called them a name, made fun of their mom, what in the hell are these kids going to do when they get out in the REAL WORLD.

I know, older folks have been shaking there heads at the younger generation since the beginning, but I think this time it is very different.





MIKE WENDLAND: Cyber-bullies make it tough for kids to leave playground

BY MIKE WENDLAND
FREE PRESS COLUMNIST

November 17, 2003

Now there are cyber-bullies distressing our kids.

PUT A STOP TO CYBER-BULLYING
Here's a list of steps Glenn Stutzky, a school safety violence specialist, suggests to combat cyber-bullying:

For children

# Do not respond to cyber-bullying messages.

# Be careful to whom you give your number or online handle.

# Report harassment to school officials and parents.

For parents

# Talk about the subject with your kids.

# Supervise their cell phone and Internet usage.

# Buy software that records instant messages.

For schools

# Amend anti-bullying policies to include digital bullying.

# Educate teachers and students about the seriousness of the problem.

# Make sure parents know who to contact at the school about cyber-bullying.

And unlike traditional school-yard bullies, there's no getting away from these high-tech harassers because of e-mail, instant messaging, Wi-Fi connected laptops and text messages sent by cell phone -- sometimes with offensive and insulting photographs.

"Technology has made it possible to always be in communication with someone," says Glenn Stutzky, a school safety violence specialist serving on the faculty of Michigan State University's School of Social Work. "Cyber-bullies are using it to spread rumors, threaten people and generally make life miserable for their victims at will and throughout the day and night."

It's not an insignificant problem, he says, noting that early research says 20 to 30 percent of kids report being the victim of a bully. "Bullying is the most frequently occurring form of violence in American schools today," Stutzky says. "It is the engine that drives the majority of violence that is happening."

The emergence of cyber-bullies has coincided with what Stutzky calls the rise of the "always-connected" generation -- teens who have grown up with computers and the Internet. Add cell phones to the equation -- one in three kids ages 10 to 19 now has his or her own cell phone, according to a study by the Yankee Group market research firm -- and "you have a generation that is in constant communications with a wide network of their peers no matter where they are."

The availability of picture phones has even resulted in compromising photos of students in school locker rooms or rest rooms being mass e-mailed to their peers.

Stutzky conducts workshops around the country on how to "bully-proof" schools, and he says he is increasingly encountering examples of cyber-bullying. For example:

# A middle school girl went to Toronto with her family and some friends for a theater weekend. When she returned, everyone at school was avoiding her, moving away when she tried to approach anyone. She found out that another girl had started a rumor, via text messaging, that the girl had contracted severe acute respiratory syndrome while in Toronto.

# Another middle school girl received text messages about her choice of shoes: "Where did your mommy buy those shoes -- the bargain basement?" Girls tend to be bullied most about their appearance and their choice of clothes, Stutzky notes.

# A straight high school boy received a text message saying "Just how gay are you?" The message went on to ask how many boys he had had sex with that week. A large part of bullying and harassment among boys centers on sex and sexual orientation, according to Stutzky's research.

Besides the traditional harassment and name-calling, cyber-bullying tends to spread more rumors and gossip than physical intimidation and bullying, he notes.

"It is hard to overstate how devastating this kind of bullying is on the young people who have been singled out," Stutzky says. "Emotionally, they are at a very vulnerable time in their development, and while these comments may seem silly to people who have matured, they are very devastating to the young people on the receiving end."

Kids are technologically harassed at school, at home, at the dinner table with parents, when they're on their computers doing homework at night, even in the middle of the night when the phone rings, he says. "That's what many say is the worst part about cyber-bullies -- there's no safe place to get away from them."

Stutzky is working up a list of suggestions for educators and parents on how to spot cyber-bullying. But among immediate things parents can do is watch their child's reaction when a cell phone message comes across, and then ask him or her about the contents. Same thing applies to computer use and instant messages.

Some kids may be too young to have a cell phone or unsupervised Internet access.

"Cyber-bullies have their victims on an electronic tether," Stutzky says. "The kids on the receiving end can't get out of range."

Contact MIKE WENDLAND at 313-222-8861 or [email protected].

 

[BenW]

So much for "sticks and stones......" though this I would consider serious:

The availability of picture phones has even resulted in compromising photos of students in school locker rooms or rest rooms being mass e-mailed to their peers.

Not that I'm a proponent of passing regulations for every little thing, but why do kids need to be carrying cell phones around school anyway? Aren't they supposed to be busy learning? I seem to remember getting by with no phone, and if I needed to make an important call to my folks, I just dug a dime out of my pocket.

Edited due to lack of proofreading skills

 

[Vernal45]

I seem to remember getting by with no phone, and if I needed to make an important call to my folks, I just dug a dime out of my pocket.

+1 to that one.

 

[mtnbkr]

Come on, if some kid gets bent out of shape, does something violent or kills him/herself becasue someone messaged, pmed, emailed them a nasty comment, called them a name, made fun of their mom, what in the hell are these kids going to do when they get out in the REAL WORLD.

I've been out in the REAL WORLD for some time now (I'll be 32 soon) and have never had to deal with the type of nonsense that kids apparently have to deal with on a daily basis. Some of the examples given are horrible. I would hate for my kids to have rumors like the SARS one spread around about them. How, as a kid, do you combat this? It's easy enough to say you would just blow it off since it's only kids and school, but it's a different matter if you're that kid and school is your life. Cameraphones, Photoshop, and a malicious creativity make it even worse. This is not the "sticks and stones" nonsense we grew up with.

Chris

 

[Jammer Six]

Of course, now it's a quarter, which makes you almost as old as I am...

We should start planning our Centenial Birthday.

There are a couple points there- if the technology is available at a low enough price (and it is), I'd want my kid to be able to call both 911 and me, around the clock, with or without a dime. So the kids have phones.

How are kids to deal with it?

Different issues, but the same answer as when I was a kid: I took it to mom and dad, and asked them about it.

Whatever it was.

 

[Vernal45]

I've been out in the REAL WORLD for some time now (I'll be 32 soon) and have never had to deal with the type of nonsense that kids apparently have to deal with on a daily basis.

SO, when you were a kid, there were not bullies? No one picked on you? No one started a rumor about you. Come on here. We have all had to endure growing up, dealing with bullies. This is the same thing, does not matter what media the bullies use, its the same thing. Kids today can not deal with it. I remember growing up, I remember rumors about people, hearing the gossip. What I dont remember is anyone killing themselves over is, or going *$^#@* nuts and shooting up a school.

 

[Jammer Six]

SO, when you were a kid, there were not bullies? No one picked on you? No one started a rumor about you. Come on here. We have all had to endure growing up, dealing with bullies.

Yes, there were bullies.

One of the main ways of dealing with them is to learn not to tolerate them. They're not a normal part of adult life, there's no reason to tolerate them. Because we had to deal with them isn't a valid reason for our children to deal with them.

There are many things we had to deal with that our children won't have to deal with, and there are many things our children will have to deal with that we didn't- life goes on. Things change.

But there's no reason to tolerate bullies. Never was. What has changed is that society is starting to recognize that, including the children. Where we were told to deal with it, society is now prosecuting the bullies, and recognizing them for what they are.

Even the children aren't tolerating bullies anymore.

The problem there is that they're children, and they don't know what to do, and they don't have the resources that adults do.

The result of a child who isn't going to be bullied anymore and a community that doesn't help is now an angry kid with a rifle, body bags and entry teams.

You're right, we didn't do that- we found other ways to cope, but consider this: given two children, one of them you or me, who developed "other" means for dealing with bullies, and a kid who stood up, grabbed a weapon and fought back, who is really the weaker child?

There is no reason to tolerate bullies, and there is no reason to leave it up to our children to stop them. We're supposed to protect our children, and stopping bullies, whatever their tools, is a major step in doing so.

 

[357wheelgunner]

"I've been out in the REAL WORLD for some time now (I'll be 32 soon) and have never had to deal with the type of nonsense that kids apparently have to deal with on a daily basis. Some of the examples given are horrible. I would hate for my kids to have rumors like the SARS one spread around about them. How, as a kid, do you combat this? It's easy enough to say you would just blow it off since it's only kids and school, but it's a different matter if you're that kid and school is your life. Cameraphones, Photoshop, and a malicious creativity make it even worse. This is not the "sticks and stones" nonsense we grew up with."

Oh come on, being a teenager is frustrating, that is how it is supposed to be! How else are kids supposed to toughen up and be competant adults? My Dad always told me that "only the test of fire makes good steel", and I firmly believe that.

I had to deal with all sorts of "nonsense" growing up. I was a total nerd in grade school and got picked on everyday. I fixed that by beating up the bullies who picked on me. 8 years of martial arts training later, no one would dare to say anything about me. Sadly some people will only listen to a punch in the mouth. Words are meaningless but some of these kids let bullies prey on them. That is not right. What happened to kids settling things one on one outside of the school?

I am only 22 years old, high school was not that long ago. It was only as hard as I made it on myself. The day I started standing up for myself things got better. Only the weak get preyed upon.

 

[Vernal45]

There is no reason to tolerate bullies, and there is no reason to leave it up to our children to stop them. We're supposed to protect our children, and stopping bullies, whatever their tools, is a major step in doing so.

I agree, but what happens when you are not around to protect them. My point is, Kids are not tough enough today to stand up, Sorry that you do not see that, bullies have, and will always be around.

I think trying to stop cyber bullies has about as much sense as not using a red pen to grade papers, might hurt the tender little feelings of the kids. The lesson is, STAND UP for yourself, kid or not, or you will be getting knocked down a lot in life.

 

[Zach S]

The result of a child who isn't going to be bullied anymore and a community that doesn't help is now an angry kid with a rifle, body bags and entry teams.

Bullies now?

Its been video gams, TV, and Marilyn Manson in the past...

 

[2nd Amendment]

Hmm, my children's internet is carefully overseen, we don't have TV, they go to a private school, neither has a cell phone, they wear cheap(but nice, just not designer) clothes. Thx to this both are excellent students, no drug problems, no foul language, lots of interests and almost none of the problems my friends are having with their teens.

Hmm, so where does this indicate the problem really is, folks? More and meaner bullies with better technology? Or parents who have been brainwashed into believing there is only one way to raise kids: The same as the rest of "society". Especially if it means they(the parents) don't have to pay as much attention to them as parents in the past.

Look, I'm really not bragging here. God knows these heathens of mine have all the typical know-it-all attitude you'd expect. But they grew up without feeling that a label on clothes or "X" hours in front of the TV or any of the other shallow things that drive much of our society were somehow necessary. And this has also made them immune to much of the bullying that would be effective otherwise...

"Your clothes suck, I wouldn't wear anything that was that cheap"

"And what you think matters why? (overheard between daughter and "wealthy"{parents have 20 credits cards maxed out} cousin)

That's how you deal with this sort of crap.

*shrug* Just my .02

 

[Jammer Six]

Yup. It's about parenting. Doing the job, even if it's difficult.

We don't let them vote. We don't let them drive until they're older.

Because there are things that children shouldn't have to deal with until and unless we give them the tools to use in dealing with them.

 

[Standing Wolf]

...there's no reason to tolerate bullies. Never was.

Amen!

When I was five years old and the smallest kid in the class, my father knelt down, put up a pillow, and taught me how to throw a punch. He had to work at it awhile. The first few times I tried to fight back in kindergarten, I didn't do very well, so he had to work at it awhile longer. By and bye, I got the hang of it.

Mysteriously, the bullies began to ignore me.

 

[2nd Amendment]

Problem, Wolf, is that there are two very different experiences going on here. The physical bully is easy. Kick his ass. Or get someone else to kick it. Or figure out a way for better revenge. Or, worst case, figure out how to never be where the bully is if you simply have no other defense.

But how does a modern day kid who has grown up believing that the label on the pant's seat, the shows they watch, the phone they carry, etc are the measure of who they are deal with someone determined to note they lack these things? Answer is, you can't. There is no inherent self-worth present by definition.

You can deal with the physical bully, even if it means taking the beating sometimes, if you know your own worth. I got thru it. But if your worth is tied up in the latest Whosit/Whatsit and you either don't have it or it isn't the latest anymore come next month exactly what then?

I don't know, maybe I'm not making the point I want...

 

[Preacherman]

As already noted, the answer is parenting. If your parents let you know that they love you and are there for you in anything, no matter what, even if you've screwed up really badly, you'll have a heck of a lot more self-confidence and balance as a kid. If your parents basically ignore you and leave you to handle life on your own (except to scream at you when you make the wrong choice), you're going to have a much harder time.

The younger generation more WIMPY than I thought

No, the parents are less responsible than they should be.

 

[JohnBT]

"...dealing with bullies."

I guess things are different these days than 40 years ago. When I thumped a determined bully one day the school called my father to discuss the situation.

His response was "Did he win?" The matter was dropped.

My father is still a calm and reasoned man, but he can't stand mean people. I think he's seen his share (WWII and being a State Trooper after the war) and just won't tolerate it.

John

 

[Standing Wolf]

But how does a modern day kid who has grown up believing that the label on the pant's seat, the shows they watch, the phone they carry, etc are the measure of who they are deal with someone determined to note they lack these things? Answer is, you can't. There is no inherent self-worth present by definition.

Yep. I think you've isolated a major component of the problem: far too many kids have no sense of self-worth.

People who value themselves—young, old, and anywhere in between—automatically stand a far better chance of standing up to bullies than those who don't. You can't buy self-worth at the local tennis shoe store, jeans store, cellular telephone store, et cetera. I believe it's earned.

If you believe and truly know you're of great value, you'll defend yourself.

 

[RevDisk]

I guess things are different these days than 40 years ago. When I thumped a determined bully one day the school called my father to discuss the situation.

These days, you would have been arrested by the police due to zero tolerance rules. If you were lucky, you'd be let off by the courts with psychological counseling. Either way, you'd now have a government papertrail. Today's generation is not more wimpy. The bullies merely have the schools, police and legal system on their side now. That's a lot for a kid to deal with.

I'm only 23. I still have memories of HS. Gods, I'm glad I'm out of there. I have much sympathy for students still locked in those prisons of "education". Gods help the few students that don't bow to conformity.

 

[Blackburn]

When I was a kid, this older guy who tried to beat me up a few times came to my front door with a few of his friends, and they looked like they were bringing 'attitude'.

I don't like the modern design of inwards swinging front doors (why are all exterior doors installed backwards?!) but that day it made it very easy to kick the door shut with all my might.

Never had those idiots come to my house again.

Probably taught him to stop stepping into thresholds as people open the door, too.

I agree on how this is more about parenting. My parents raised me to care about what matters to me, and not give a rat's patoot about what the morons think.

 

[sm]

I agree with Parenting, and other Responsible Adults passing forward to kids.

Bullying -be it physical, mental, or emotional , has always existed, thru various mediums.

I graduated HS in '73. So yeah I had bullies in my day. The Rule was: Don't start a fight - you get in one - Win it!

Had a Bully pick on me in grade school, He was in the sixth grade and BIG for his age. I was a fifth grader. He messed with me physically ( pushing down stairs) he spread rumors about my dad being in the Nat'l Guard, and shooting folks during the riots, [no he did not] he messed with my psych.

Word came down " gonna ambush Steve" after school. He swung first, I went inside just a punching, he fell back and I kept a punching. Teacher was flagged, I was pulled off...( my theory don't let this dude get up- keep punching)...tables turned. He was the one that suffered the razzing and getting jeered at from then on.

High School in the Seventies with Vietnam "still" going on...Former students KIA/ MIA, coming home with body parts missing, the politics...not always easy being a Student during these times.

Cross a anti-war line, don't burn your draft card as the others were doing...and then find all sorts of nasty stuff on your locker, rumors spread, or the two guys wating for you and "your kind" with a baseball bat...

Towel dispensers make a great defensive weapon - Maintentance guy covered up the "incident". I may have come out bruised, bloody and limping I looked a whole let better than them two did. At least I was upright...

 

[Joejojoba111]

"# A straight high school boy received a text message saying "Just how gay are you?" The message went on to ask how many boys he had had sex with that week. A large part of bullying and harassment among boys centers on sex and sexual orientation, according to Stutzky's research."

There's Nothing anyone can do about this. What happens if the insulted kid fights the insulting kid? He gets expelled, probably criminal charges.

I drive down a street and schools proudly hoist $1000 banners proclaiming there were no fights for 3 years running. Seriously how messed up are these kids going to be, never fighting? It's completely unnatural, it's just against the natural spirit of man. Putting kids into prisons as soon as they can speak, it's wrong.

Fighting is violence, and violence is wrong, unless you have to disperse protesters.

 

[BenW]

Of course, now it's a quarter, which makes you almost as old as I am...

Hey, don't pick on me ya big bully!

These days, you would have been arrested by the police due to zero tolerance rules.

Sadly, this started long ago (to continue on the Jammer Six picking on me because I'm old theme ). When I was in grade school in the late 60's, I was one of the picked on variety quite a bit. Around the time I started standing up for myself, we got one of the "new breed" of Vietnam Era Flower Child Principals -- Mrs. Albers -- I shall never forget the name.

She had a hard and fast rule that it ALWAYS took two to start a fight. Nevermind that if I didn't try to defend myself, I would be beaten to a pulp. There was never any explaining this to her. I was only lucky that my parents were a bit more reasonable about it. Still, I spent a lot of recesses picking up trash on the playground.

 

[gc70]

<Sarcasm>
My parents must not have been very good at parenting - all they did was teach me to take care of myself. But that was in the '60s and '70s, so they can be excused for not being very enlightened.

Of course, things are so much worse today. The legislatures need to get involved and pass more protective laws. Schools need to be more aware and protective. Psychological and security consultants need to be brought in to teach everyone how to deal with issues.
</Sarcasm>

The only thing conspicuously absent in today's set of answers seems to be parenting.

 

[Joejojoba111]

There's no profits in healthy people taking care of themselves. Geez. What schools need are junk food machines and french-fry lunches and psychologists to council the kids teased about their weight.

 

[Vernal45]

Of course, things are so much worse today. The legislatures need to get involved and pass more protective laws. Schools need to be more aware and protective. Psychological and security consultants need to be brought in to teach everyone how to deal with issues.

Wow, hope you were being sarcstic.