After seeing a version of this on a forum (TFL?), I've been itching to see if the Washington Post -- aka "The Pravda on the Potomac" -- would print it...
To the Editor:
As one of your neighbors to the west, I applaud the District of Columbia's restrictions, and urge you not to allow your law-abiding residents to own, much less carry, guns of any kind, especially handguns.
You see, for many years we here in the Commonwealth of Virginia have been allowed to do this, and criminals know it is a bad idea to attack a Virginian. Nothing says no to a rapist or mugger quite like a bullet hole in the chest.
We are certainly doing our best to spread the news to Virginia criminals that District inhabitants seem to prefer to be defenseless lambs -- except for the members of Congress who can afford private bodyguards, of course! -- and that it is much safer for miscreants to move to DC and do their evil deeds there in the "predator wildlife refuge" your masters have created.
This encourages any rapists, muggers, killers, terrorists, gay bashers and other predators to leave Virginia and move to the District (or Maryland, almost as much of a sheep-pen as DC). The exodus of our criminals helps ensure the continued well-being of Virginia residents, even -- or especially -- those who choose not to carry a handgun.
Those of you who will be victimized by these transplanted predators can find solace in knowing that we deeply appreciate your un-elected officials keeping you available as easier targets of opportunity.
In gratitude,
N. N.