Defending yourself: The Unseen Consequences

[thegeneric]

The beginning of my sophomore year in college I was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, a second degree felony which carried a maximum punishment of 20 years in prison.

It was a clear case of self-defense, I used a knife, it was at fast food restaurant, there were multiple attackers. I won't go into the details of the incident because there will inevitably be a lot of discussion and speculation about the situation. I don't have the energy or desire to relive the incident to answer any of the follow-up questions.

This thread is mainly about the what I endured in the aftermath. The reason I post this is to help inform those who are ready to defend their lives and the lives of their loved ones what may happen after the fact.

Before the incident, I had many friends, I was very outgoing, and was stellar academically. I had never been in trouble with the law before, I didn't do drugs, and I was a health nut. I had dreamed about a career in law enforcement, military (was in ROTC), and firefighting. I was in the application process for the Marine Officer Training Corps.

Immediately after the incident news spread like wildfire because it was front page in many local newspapers and the social networking phenomenon. Everybody back home (my old highschool classmates) and everyone I had met in college knew about it. The articles about the incident derived from the police report, and had the angle from my attackers. I was the bad guy, I was the one who snapped and went crazy on innocent bystanders.

No one wanted to talk to me, because they had no idea what to say or what to believe. The few friends who were brave enough to confront me to figure out the truth for themselves were in shock and rallied for my cause. It didn't help too much because society takes new articles as fact. I see it all too common in thread on THR where posters think that by dissecting the article they can figure out what exactly happened.

School. Was I really expected to study for a quiz in this class while reading a chapter for that class after being released from jail and facing hard time? Could I really think about Statistics and the Market Climate in a time like this? I went from being a B+ student to a D- student. Doing only enough to keep my academic career viable after I weathered this storm.

I stopped eating the healthy chicken breasts, brown rice, and leafy greens I used to prepare for myself. I only ate protein bars out of necessity when I became starved. I lost a lot of weight.

The incident was the only thing I could think about. It replayed in my head over and over again until I fell asleep. I constantly had nightmares. They were not about my attackers. My nightmares were about me turning into this monster that everyone thought I was. I would was from these in cold sweats several times a night. When I was lucky enough not to have one, I would wake up feeling pretty good but within a few seconds the darkest cloud in the world would once again hover over my head.

I had no one to talk to. I could only talk to myself and the only pertinent subject what something of misery and pessimism. What would life be like as a convicted felon who served a few years in prison? My student loans would have matured into a crippling financial bind. No college degree to get a career to pay it back, not even a good shot at landing a job at a fast food restaurant! I will be rejected from renting anywhere to live. Will my remaining friends still be around and remember me after a few years? The Marine Officer Training Corps told me to shove off. There was no chance in hell I'd be selected.

My lawyer cost $15k. He was the best in my town. He was worth it. I made $9 an hour. My boss took pity on me and gave me 60 hours a week. Because of this I barely went to class. This was good for me because it was something to do. I stayed enrolled due to the financial aid i received. My lawyer took pity on me and let me do installments. I sold anything of value I had. My guns/ammo/electronics....everything. All I had was a TV and a mattress on the floor. My only expenses were the two packs of cigarettes I ended up smoking a day. I would rather have cigarettes then food during that time.





This lasted TWO years. In those two years I did NOTHING. I was afraid to drive a car and get a ticket, I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of fast food restaurants. I was afraid of anyone who looked at me, whether they were a past acquaintance that I knew before the incident or a random person that looked like one of my attackers (there were multiple). I was afraid of being recognized and shunned from society so I shunned myself. I was so disappointed in my beloved United States of America. It had ruined my life. I had just turned 19. At 19 you're just starting to learn about the world and begin a new chapter in life. This was a hard lesson.

My planned chapter was to grow up, get my degrees, become a valuable member of society. In my reality, I became a homeless man. No one would have me. I COULD NOT PARTICIPATE IN SOCIETY. How can I be involved in a conversation about....the weather...or sports...when I was facing a sort of death?


I considered suicide many times. I even got a life insurance policy with my half brother as my benefactor (he was 5 at the time). I had planned an accidental death so the policy would pay out. My parents were back in my hometown, they spoke to me maybe once a month. I grew up tough, I was expected to be tough. No one knew what I was going through and I couldn't blame them. I wrote a 20 page memoir, my goodbyes, my life, my regrets. I deleted it because of the chance that insurance wouldn't pay out.






Then it came. As quickly as the incident happened, it was absolved. My lawyer on the other line "We finally were able to secure the 911 tapes from that night, there was a call that identified you as the victim and them as the attackers, your charges are dropped."

That was last summer. Today I am back to being a B+ student, I have started my own Real Estate Company. I live in a nice house that I share with a great girlfriend. I have friends. I grew up pretty darn fast this way because I can truly appreciate life in society, but I don't recommend it to anyone.

Life happens. It happens differently to everyone. I have to move on. Being able to share this with you guys was the next big step for me.

Stay safe.

 

[MedWheeler]

Glad you pulled through. It sounds like your troubles stemmed more from the misguided charges levied against you than from the act of attempting to defend yourself with potentially deadly force (from potentially deadly force.)
The last part about the 911 tapes should serve as a reminder to all of us that, once we have made ourselves and/or our loved ones safe after a violence-oriented encounter, it is crucial to call it in, and to try to "be first" to identify oneself as the victim of a violent or potentially violent crime.

 

[meytind]

What it sounds like to me, is that this was all the harder for you because everyone you were close to pretty much threw you out of their lives. That's disgusting. I can only hope my friends and family would be more supportive if this happened to me, but thinking about it, I don't know. I'm glad the charges ended up being dropped.

 

[gunnie]

glad this turned out better than VERY bad for you. mas ayoob made the financially outdated statement when "in the gravest extreme" was published. same being that a "righteous" shooting that ends in death would likely cost about $25K in lawyer fees to clear the shooter. he highly recommended avoiding same at every chance.

think long and hard before you excersize your right to self defense.

just one question that still lingers. in staying with your wishes it is NOT about the incident. this guy was "finally able to secure the tapes" from the 911 call that brought the police. TWO YEARS LATER?

in my mind this creates doubts about the D.A., the police who made the arrest, and maybe even your lawyer.

gunnie

 

[slydel0kt]

Thank You,
for that sobering case of reality.

I pray your life continues on the upswing.

dan

 

[GEM]

What a story but very informative post. These sort of consequences are pretty well known as anxiety disorder reactions to the critical incident and the social shunning consequences of being someone who used deadly force. It is esp. well written up in the police literature. While the legal consequences are stressors, it is a mistake to think that they are the major cause.

There are good counseling options available - if you find a knowledgable therapist. We did a paper on such and it's supposedly going to be cited in the next addition of Miller's Police Psych - text. Not bragging - the reason I mention this, is that if you are involved in such, you need to be aware of the consequences - psych and social. It is accepted as a much risk in law and military.

Many self-defense courses mention such - Insights, Mas - do. Some poo-poo it but that's a mistake.

Glenn


Glenn

 

[degunner]

just curious did you have any therapist / shrink visits? if so were they soon after the incidint or later? and were they of any help?

and congrats on being able to pick up and continue with your life

 

[thegeneric]

I called an emergency therapy hot line our university had set up when things got really bad. They did help. They didn't do much but listen. I couldn't say much, but it was someone to talk to.

The worse part is that...if I had to talk to anyone I ever knew, I would have to explain myself to them. If I tried to reconnect with my network....my week would involve 10 hours of telling the story....over and over and over again. And honestly I really couldn't because it was an "on-going investigation". I didn't want to relive it that way.

This past year I visited the free mental health clinic at our school. The person I talked to let me talk for an hour and a half. I told her my story, the story I haven't been able to tell anyone. That helped.

Yeah, it did take 2 years to find that phone call. Sure anyone could question what the heck everyone was doing. But the DA was probably dealing with murder cases, and my powerful and busy attorney probably did the same. I was just one case. It doesn't matter, as long as its over.

 

[shockwave]

If you can relate the details (and I fully understand if you can't), how did the knife thing go down? Was your defense effective?

 

[bikerdoc]

God bless and thanks for sharing. I hope it will help you and others to discuss aftermath issues.

 

[thegeneric]

Shockwave:

Not as well as I had thought. Not being eligible for a CHL and already a big THR reader I had always been concerned with personal safety. I carried a normal CRKT folder everyday . I used it maybe 10-15 times a day during work. The week before I had practiced quick drawing it from my pocket (clipped). I would throw a cardboard box up 2-3 feet in the air, draw, flick and catch it with the blade. I could do it in the blink of an eye.

As related to the incident, I had been knocked unconscious. Upon regaining any kind of composure, I did what I had trained myself to do....except this time, the blade did NOT lock. The result was that the attacker received a 2 inch cut in the rib area, while I sliced my index finger open when the blade folded back upon my hand.

It was enough for him to know that he should back off, while he alerted to his cohorts that I did have a knife and at that point the attack stopped and they fled.

It did save my life, but I'll tell you that I wish I had pepper spray that day instead. Both because of the legal ramifications and the fact that I believe pepper spray would have incapacitated him way better than the poor knife handling skills I exhibited after being knocked out. It would have been simpler to employ.

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

you did well after being knocked out. glad you survived the attack and the aftermath. i hope you find in a couple decades it made you a stronger better person. though right now picking up the pieces is surely difficult.

 

[mljdeckard]

Yeah man, this stuff is for real. I hope you don't mind me pointing out this example as a reason to think twice before jumping into defensive situations, or pulling your gun AT ALL if you aren't ABSOLUTELY SURE what is going on. You did what you were supposed to, and it STILL destroyed your life.

For the guys who say they would rather be judged by twelve than carried by six, just remember, you may well be judged by twelve, and the whole process sucks.

You're good man, it didn't kill you and it sounds like it made you stronger.

 

[3:00hold]

Thanks for sharing the story.

You mentioned you would have rather had pepper spray. Would you have rather been armed? Would you have shot them?

Is there anything you would have done differently regarding the aftermath? It seems the lawyer was a good choice. Do you feel you made any mistakes that the rest of us could learn from?

Thanks

 

[duns]

Great post. Awful experience. Glad you were exonerated in the end. Conventional wisdom is that it is better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6. In your case, you went through a phase where it appears you were close to suicidal and perhaps for a time would have preferred to be carried by 6. Anyone who feels suicidal should always remember that it is a passing feeling; life always does get better. One can recover from financial loss (money is not that important in the big picture), one can recover from social stigma (look at that guy who did jail time and is now a TV judge).

 

[Low Budget Shooter]

Dear THR Folks,

Is there a negative stigma, in the eyes of LEOs, judges, jury members, etc., attached to a man who defends himself with a knife that is not present for those who defend themselves with firearms?

LBS

 

[buy guns]

I appreciate you telling your story and I hate to sound like a jerk but it seems like, aside from the attack and financial burden, you were partially responsible for those problems. If your friends cut off contact with you then you didn't choose good friends in the first place. Your worrying, paranoia, depression, and suicidal feelings could have been helped had you gone to the health center at your school and spoken with a mental health professional. I know what it's like to have that stuff hanging over you and it doesn't have to be as bad as you made it out to be in your head.

I also went through a felony arrest when I was your age. Though the charges weren't as severe, it did make semi-national news and I was very demonized by the media.

 

[thegeneric]

"buy guns"

Your mindset is similar to the mindset of the people that knew me. They all said or thought to themselves "Well.....you shouldn't have carried a knife, look at all the trouble that brought upon you!" or "I would never put myself in that situation!". That one befuddles me the most, people assume that just because they don't walk down dark alleys late at night that they can avoid anything bad. But its not their fault, they weren't there, they didn't see what happened. They were generally young and naive (18-19 year olds). They have not encountered such evil in the world.

Of course my good friends stayed by me, I was more alluding to all of the people who I was not as close with. I had 800 Facebook friends and I deleted all but 64 of them.

You mention mental health centers. If you read some, I did seek some help eventually. Even so, I hope you don't think that would have been any sort of cure-all for the emotional trauma I endured.

The similarity is that of course you don't know the whole story and the specifics of what I did for the 2 years. Even though, you still have the thought "Oh...all those troubles you went through could have been avoided by simply ______."

 

[Guns and more]

Good for you.
I hear a lot of the "shoot first" macho crowd on forums and think, "If they only knew".
You know.

 

[Onward Allusion]

I'm glad things have worked themselves out for you. I didn't read whether you are still seeing a therapist, however it definitely could not hurt. The event itself and its aftermath must have been traumatic to say the least.

Strictly as an aside, have you ever consider posting your story on a webpage for your family/friends (or former friends)? It may help in reconnecting when they see the entire story in words.

Good luck

thegeneric
Defending yourself: The Unseen Consequences

 

[Fred Fuller]

Thanks for sharing the rest of your story. I'm glad things at last have been sorted out re. the charges, and I'm genuinely sorry that the aftermath has been so difficult, painful and expensive for you. I hope things continue to improve,

lpl

 

[middleground]

Thank you for sharing your experiances, it's a real eye opener to hear what you when through.

I have never had to deal with legal ramifications, but I was envolved in a very violent encounter that stuck with me for a long time.

I can relate to what you said about replaying events in your head over and over.

Thanks and good luck.

 

[Seattleimport]

Wow.

Thanks for writing that. Congratulations on non only surviving, but resurfacing with positive momentum.

Welcome back.

 

[RoostRider]

I went through a less serious, but similar situation.

I used a gun to defend myself, the article was all over the paper, everyone knew but no one knew the details (this didn't stop the speculation). The police had my gun and no one had my back, I was the only witness.

I worried when they took my gun at the scene and told me "you'll get this back". I worried when my good neighbors came by to say they read the articles. I worried when I had to try to identify the perp in a line up, from what I recalled two weeks earlier in the dark. I worried when I couldn't do that. I worried when the papers posted articles with friends and relatives talking about "what a good kid he really was" and "he was just starting to turn his life around". I worried when I was called as a witness for the trial. I even worried when the DA told me she would make sure I got my gun back. I worried until that gun was back in my hands (and I had to jump through a LOT of hoops for that despite the responding officers, the investigators, the DA and the Sheriff telling the police to give it back).

At the point the gun was given back to me I finally came to the realization that I was not going to be charged with anything and I settled down to life as "new normal". I was able to tell the story without fear of reprisal and it felt better (not good). I made a point of telling those who I cared to have know. I made note of those who didn't judge me (luckily that list included my family and close friends). I recognized that I made some mistakes and set about to make my life better as a result.

I learned a lot of things from that experience, a good share of which I have passed on to everyone I know who will listen (you can read about the incident in a thread I created if you'd like- http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=496352 ). I wear my beliefs about self defense on my sleeve now. I don't shut up and just sit there when someone belittles the RKBA or someones choice to defend themselves. I point out that the right to defend yourself is the most indoctrinated and established right... it is the right to live, period....

I also gave up on those who don't/won't understand.... I don't need them as friends... they are the "fairest weather" of all, and I don't need to pretend we have something in common... I can't respect their take on it any more than they can respect mine, and I'm fine with that.

I think this all made me rethink a lot of things that really needed rethinking anyways. My acquaintances, friends, neighbors and family all look at me different, I am sure, but they are looking at me through a clearer lens I think.... and I don't mind what they see, or what I see when I look in the mirror.

You already realize this, because you have been through the worst of it already, but it only gets better from here on out... but it isn't ever "over"

 

[Ryder]

That's pretty much what it is like. I've gone through a similar situation. A lot of people have yet to experience this. Some will, many won't. Everyone appears to believe it only happens to the other guy and that is why you get no support from anyone. They'd rather stick their head in the sand than watch you be eaten by the sharks that infest our legal system.

Ever stop to wonder how it would have felt if you really did the crime and deserved to be punished? I often did and my only conclusion is that it must be far easier. In fact, quite the relief, eh?