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=========================================
Subject: Ground Zero - An eyewitness report
Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 09:58:41 +1000
Hollywood Power Outage Sends City Into Chaos -- No
electricity for 26 minutes.
'This is our Tsunami.' By Joshua Gates. Actor,
Photographer. Victim.
LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 - Horror and
disbelief swept through the greater Hollywood area
this afternoon as a power-outage turned the city into
a virtual war zone, and local residents struggled to
deal with the devastating aftermath.
The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy
afternoon coffee and Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights
fell dark, local gyms and sushi restaurants were
without power for nearly 30 minutes and many
businesses were illuminated only by the light of the
sun and its blistering 78-degree heat.
"It was horrible," said out of work actor and
voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a Jamba Juice
on Melrose when it hit. The blenders simply shut down.
A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after
that, well, it got pretty ugly."
In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcast
conflicting reports as to exactly which local
businesses would be offering relief supplies. Almost
100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica
and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot
coffee and a totally meager selection of baked goods.
"My mother is 83-years old and we heard on the radio
that this Starbucks was going to be up and running. If
she doesn't get a venti Arabian Mocha Sanani soon I
don't know what's going to happen to her, I really
don't." said cologenist Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz.
To make matters worse, those few people who did manage
to get coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of
artificial sweeteners on site. "Sugar in the Raw? Are
you friggin' kidding me?" sobbed local homosexual and
avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South
Beach Diet. My insulin levels are going to go crazy if
I use this! Why isn't the rest of the country doing
something?"
Deteriorating conditions may force authorities to
evacuate the thousands of people at local Quiznos,
movie theaters and upscale shopping centers, including
The Beverly Center, where a policeman told CNN unrest
was escalating. The officer expressed concern the
situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced
multiple "So You Think you Can Dance" posters, looted
a Baby Gap and demanded free makeovers en masse at a
MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.
At least 2,000 refugees, the majority of them
beautiful, will travel in a bus convoy to Beverly
Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered at
the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft
omelettes with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie
gras was being airlifted in by The National Guard.
Thank heavens.
Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a
group of embedded reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken
restaurant on Larchmont, "The scope and scale of this
disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local
car washes are at a standstill, the tram tour at
Universal Studios has been on hold for almost an hour
now and I've been waiting for a rotisserie leg and
thigh with a side of green beans for upwards of 15
minutes. This truly is our Tsunami."
"We want to accommodate those people suffering in The
Beverly Center as quickly as possible for the simple
reason that they have been through a horrible ordeal,"
Grant said.
"We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb
bread," said Martha Owens, 49, who was one of the
thousands trapped in The Beverly Center when the
escalators stopped moving. "They need to start sending
somebody through here."
Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged,
causing writers to lose upwards of a page of original
screenplay material, causing DirecTV service to work
only intermittently and forcing local residents to
walk outside and look helplessly at the breathtaking
Pacific from their ocean view decks.
"I can hardly begin to put this experience into
words," said seasoned Two and a Half Men writer John
Edlestein . "I was just getting into my rhythm and
making some real headway on a scene where Charlie
Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball
players when my Power Book crapped out. I have
nothing. Simply, nothing."
Delivering a belated radio address live from the White
House, President Bush announced he was deploying more
than 7,000 additional active-duty troops to the
region. He comforted victims and praised relief
workers.
"Despite their best efforts, the magnitude in
responding to a crisis over a disaster area this sunny
and trendy has created tremendous problems," he said.
"The result is that many of our citizens simply are
not getting the help they need, especially in the
Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable."
"Southern Californians are resilient. I have no doubt
they will bounce back like this never happened,"
professed Cellulite Reduction Specialist, Kim
Bellevue. "The therapy sessions could reach an all
time high, though.
__________________________________________________
end parody.
=========================================
Subject: Ground Zero - An eyewitness report
Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 09:58:41 +1000
Hollywood Power Outage Sends City Into Chaos -- No
electricity for 26 minutes.
'This is our Tsunami.' By Joshua Gates. Actor,
Photographer. Victim.
LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 - Horror and
disbelief swept through the greater Hollywood area
this afternoon as a power-outage turned the city into
a virtual war zone, and local residents struggled to
deal with the devastating aftermath.
The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy
afternoon coffee and Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights
fell dark, local gyms and sushi restaurants were
without power for nearly 30 minutes and many
businesses were illuminated only by the light of the
sun and its blistering 78-degree heat.
"It was horrible," said out of work actor and
voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a Jamba Juice
on Melrose when it hit. The blenders simply shut down.
A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after
that, well, it got pretty ugly."
In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcast
conflicting reports as to exactly which local
businesses would be offering relief supplies. Almost
100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica
and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot
coffee and a totally meager selection of baked goods.
"My mother is 83-years old and we heard on the radio
that this Starbucks was going to be up and running. If
she doesn't get a venti Arabian Mocha Sanani soon I
don't know what's going to happen to her, I really
don't." said cologenist Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz.
To make matters worse, those few people who did manage
to get coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of
artificial sweeteners on site. "Sugar in the Raw? Are
you friggin' kidding me?" sobbed local homosexual and
avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South
Beach Diet. My insulin levels are going to go crazy if
I use this! Why isn't the rest of the country doing
something?"
Deteriorating conditions may force authorities to
evacuate the thousands of people at local Quiznos,
movie theaters and upscale shopping centers, including
The Beverly Center, where a policeman told CNN unrest
was escalating. The officer expressed concern the
situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced
multiple "So You Think you Can Dance" posters, looted
a Baby Gap and demanded free makeovers en masse at a
MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.
At least 2,000 refugees, the majority of them
beautiful, will travel in a bus convoy to Beverly
Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered at
the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft
omelettes with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie
gras was being airlifted in by The National Guard.
Thank heavens.
Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a
group of embedded reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken
restaurant on Larchmont, "The scope and scale of this
disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local
car washes are at a standstill, the tram tour at
Universal Studios has been on hold for almost an hour
now and I've been waiting for a rotisserie leg and
thigh with a side of green beans for upwards of 15
minutes. This truly is our Tsunami."
"We want to accommodate those people suffering in The
Beverly Center as quickly as possible for the simple
reason that they have been through a horrible ordeal,"
Grant said.
"We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb
bread," said Martha Owens, 49, who was one of the
thousands trapped in The Beverly Center when the
escalators stopped moving. "They need to start sending
somebody through here."
Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged,
causing writers to lose upwards of a page of original
screenplay material, causing DirecTV service to work
only intermittently and forcing local residents to
walk outside and look helplessly at the breathtaking
Pacific from their ocean view decks.
"I can hardly begin to put this experience into
words," said seasoned Two and a Half Men writer John
Edlestein . "I was just getting into my rhythm and
making some real headway on a scene where Charlie
Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball
players when my Power Book crapped out. I have
nothing. Simply, nothing."
Delivering a belated radio address live from the White
House, President Bush announced he was deploying more
than 7,000 additional active-duty troops to the
region. He comforted victims and praised relief
workers.
"Despite their best efforts, the magnitude in
responding to a crisis over a disaster area this sunny
and trendy has created tremendous problems," he said.
"The result is that many of our citizens simply are
not getting the help they need, especially in the
Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable."
"Southern Californians are resilient. I have no doubt
they will bounce back like this never happened,"
professed Cellulite Reduction Specialist, Kim
Bellevue. "The therapy sessions could reach an all
time high, though.
__________________________________________________
end parody.