Eisenhower's press conference (with apologies to General Franks)

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Dec 20, 2002
Louisiana, USA
I received this via the API List, and enjoyed it so much I had to post it here.

Composed and sent by an Army mate

Ike's press conference
Questions from the experts

CNN : General Eisenhower, reports show that the 101 st and 82nd airborne
divisions have not hit their targets. In fact, some have reported that many
of them were misdropped all over France. Who's to blame for that? And how
can you guarantee their safety?

Eisenhower: Well, first, we're at war, folks. I can't guarantee the safety
of any-

MSNBC: General, we have footage of a French market in Normandy that was
blown apart. Some civilians were killed. How can you explain yourself to the
world community?

Eisenhower: By telling the world community, as you call it, that we're at
war. We didn't mean to bomb civilians and still don't know if those bombs
were ours .

The Washington Post: The casualty rate on the beaches of Normandy was
extremely high. Why weren't you prepared for this? And a follow-up question:
Some have suggested that the soldiers were surprised to meet such fierce
resistance. Were American military planners overconfident?

Eisenhower: I can assure you this: We told our soldiers that the road would
be tough. We did not underestimate the enemy, even if the press-

The BBC: We have reports that some soldiers were killed by friendly fire.

Eisenhower: There's no such thing as friendly fire. When it's fired at you,
it isn't friendly. And it's a soldier's worst nightmare, on both sides of
the gun-

CBS: General Eisenhower, Dan Rather, CBS news. (Applause) Thank you. The
Japanese were the ones who attacked us. Why are we now in France? And isn't
the threat from the Far East greater?

Eisenhower: Actually, if you look at the bigger picture, you'll notice that
both threats must be dealt with, and we're doing

Fox News: Isn't it true that the enemy has broken the rules of combat, and
isn't it true that our men are fighting through tough conditions, and isn't
it true that we're the good guys, and isn't it true that America is way

Eisenhower: Well, um, yes. Yes, indeed.

The New York Times: Sir, why haven't we liberated Paris yet? We've been at
this for hours now, and Paris is still occupied by the Germans.

Eisenhower: Because Paris is a long way away. We have no idea

ABC: You didn't expect this kind of fight from the Nazis, did you?

Eisenhower: We had no idea what to expect, really. But we had contingency
plans, and we prepared-and armed-our soldiers for the worst-

The Associated Press: So how come the mission has failed?

Eisenhower: It hasn't. We've just started-

CNN : So what's the timeline? When will Paris be free and Berlin taken?

Eisenhower: We don't really know-

The AP: What about the reports that you're going to be replaced by General

Eisenhower: Honestly, I haven't had time-

The New York Times:Isn't it true that your war plan is in shambles today?

Eisenhower: No! You see, as events unfold, we make changes depending on

ABC : How many more of our men will die as a result of your poor planning?

Eisenhower: I don't know. I mean, I don't agree with-

CBS : Dan Rather, CBS ne-

Eisenhower : Yeah, yeah. (Applause.) You've introduced yourself already.

CBS: Thank you. Now then, when are you going to admit America has lost the

Eisenhower: We haven't! Cripes! You people have lost your minds! .... Last

(Pause.) NBC: So, dude, why are you so hostile to the press?
Did you happen to notice that when we assaulted France it had already been re-named "Deutschland West" and had been inhabited by Germans for more than three years? It is a slightly different scenario than when your President gets a hair up his *** and decides to annihilate the leadership of another country.

On last nights news they interviewed an Iraqi who was furious about the civilian deaths of the town he was in. They asked him if he thought the US soldiers were liberators.

"Who asked to be liberated?"

Good question, that.
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