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April 01, 2004
Flip-Flopping May Have Injured Kerry's Shoulder By Andy Borowitz
With Senator John F. Kerry (D-Mass) set for shoulder surgery in Boston today, an orthopedic surgeon familiar with the Senator’s condition said that Mr. Kerry’s penchant for flip-flopping may have caused the injury to his shoulder.
“Constant or repetitive flip-flopping can cause major orthopedic damage,†said Dr. Robert Claman of Massachusetts General Hospital. “If it goes unchecked, flip-flopping can injure a shoulder far more seriously than tennis or golf.â€
Dr. Claman said that Mr. Kerry first felt a nagging pain in the tendon of his shoulder at the outset of his quest for the Democratic nomination, when he started flip-flopping on his vote to authorize military action in Iraq.
“At first he started favoring his right shoulder, but as Howard Dean started gaining in the polls, he started favoring the left,†Dr. Claman said.
The orthopedic specialist added that once the surgery is completed, he would strongly urge Mr. Kerry not to change his positions for the next two weeks to give the damaged tendon time to heal.
“I told him that if he goes out there and starts flip-flopping on gay marriage or taxes, he’s going to wind up right back on the operating table,†Dr. Claman said. “He agreed with me at first, then disagreed, but then agreed with me again.â€
In other news, the French lawyer who is defending Saddam Hussein said today that he was actively seeking the lone Tyco holdout juror to sit on the Iraqi madman's jury
***
Polls Show Bush Unpopular With Grandchildren of Nazis By William Grim
The results of the most recent Roper/CNN poll show that President George W. Bush would overwhelmingly lose the election if voting was limited to the grandchildren of Nazi Party members, Frenchmen who bathe less than five times per decade, Spanish communists and unemployed British soccer hooligans.
“This is very bad news for Bush,†said Sidney R. Martin, chief strategist for the Democrat Party Central Committee. “It clearly shows that Bush is limited to his core constituency of registered American voters and is unable to reach out like Senator Kerry has to people who are ineligible to vote in American elections.â€
Sources close to the Bush re-election campaign have told Broken Newz that the President has all but conceded the French and German vote to Kerry and will concentrate his resources on the 50 states that actually participate in the Electoral College.
Democrats, however, have pledged to contest the November election in court if President Bush’s victory is obtained merely on the strength of election results in the United States.
If you enjoyed this satire By William Grim, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz.
happy April fools day!
http://www.rightwingnews.com
Flip-Flopping May Have Injured Kerry's Shoulder By Andy Borowitz
With Senator John F. Kerry (D-Mass) set for shoulder surgery in Boston today, an orthopedic surgeon familiar with the Senator’s condition said that Mr. Kerry’s penchant for flip-flopping may have caused the injury to his shoulder.
“Constant or repetitive flip-flopping can cause major orthopedic damage,†said Dr. Robert Claman of Massachusetts General Hospital. “If it goes unchecked, flip-flopping can injure a shoulder far more seriously than tennis or golf.â€
Dr. Claman said that Mr. Kerry first felt a nagging pain in the tendon of his shoulder at the outset of his quest for the Democratic nomination, when he started flip-flopping on his vote to authorize military action in Iraq.
“At first he started favoring his right shoulder, but as Howard Dean started gaining in the polls, he started favoring the left,†Dr. Claman said.
The orthopedic specialist added that once the surgery is completed, he would strongly urge Mr. Kerry not to change his positions for the next two weeks to give the damaged tendon time to heal.
“I told him that if he goes out there and starts flip-flopping on gay marriage or taxes, he’s going to wind up right back on the operating table,†Dr. Claman said. “He agreed with me at first, then disagreed, but then agreed with me again.â€
In other news, the French lawyer who is defending Saddam Hussein said today that he was actively seeking the lone Tyco holdout juror to sit on the Iraqi madman's jury
***
Polls Show Bush Unpopular With Grandchildren of Nazis By William Grim
The results of the most recent Roper/CNN poll show that President George W. Bush would overwhelmingly lose the election if voting was limited to the grandchildren of Nazi Party members, Frenchmen who bathe less than five times per decade, Spanish communists and unemployed British soccer hooligans.
“This is very bad news for Bush,†said Sidney R. Martin, chief strategist for the Democrat Party Central Committee. “It clearly shows that Bush is limited to his core constituency of registered American voters and is unable to reach out like Senator Kerry has to people who are ineligible to vote in American elections.â€
Sources close to the Bush re-election campaign have told Broken Newz that the President has all but conceded the French and German vote to Kerry and will concentrate his resources on the 50 states that actually participate in the Electoral College.
Democrats, however, have pledged to contest the November election in court if President Bush’s victory is obtained merely on the strength of election results in the United States.
If you enjoyed this satire By William Grim, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz.
happy April fools day!
http://www.rightwingnews.com
