[humor] www.ready.gov Guide to SHTF

[BerettaNut92]

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor. Be sure to properly balance the likelihood of cancer throughout the entire body by turning away from the radiation source.

In the event of a chemical attack, choke yourself til you see colors, your hair turns blue, and your eyes disappear.

When in doubt, roll the fallout shelter sign down the stairs.

If the door is jammed, use a large errow to pry it open.

 

[BerettaNut92]

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

If one flashlight doesn't work, then two should do the trick.

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run away.

If Michael starts foaming at the mouth, run even faster.

 

[BerettaNut92]

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, kiss your *&% goodbye.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile

Car radios also emit radiation. Be sure to protect your ears!

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If your local authorities are unavailable, try calling across the country.

 

[BerettaNut92]

Don't let grey skies get you down.

Burning your house down does NOT help!

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that crap.

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it. Instead, cry and throw a tantrum.

Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

 

[Slimjim]

bwahaha.

 

[BerettaNut92]

When possible, purchase a car with an ejection seat.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation, so stand very close to it.

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

Bribe terrorists to leave you alone with American consumer devices.

Bush's hometown - no great loss.

 

[BerettaNut92]

Terrorists usually have terrible indigestion from eating our food. Don't use the restroom after they do!

Terrorists or Michael Jackson may try to contaminate your laundry detergent. Smell clothing to ensure it's fresh and clean.

To confuse cyberterrorists, set all the clocks on your electronic appliances to different time zones.

If you see a nuclear explosion on the horizon, drive in reverse on the wrong side of the road, pull to the side, and wait for the blast to hit you.

 

[45R]

That is sooo funny!!!!!

 

[Nightfall]

Thanks, I needed that! LMAO, that was freaking hilarious!

 

[Thumper]

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that crap

Bwaaahahahahahaha!

 

[twoblink]

Oh my gosh that was funny!!

More more more!! we want more!!

 

[Demon440]

LOL that was great!

 

[fjolnirsson]

Skunkabilly,
There is something fundamentally wrong with you.

Keep it up.
Great stuff, lol!

 

[4570Rick]

 

[Jim March]

Excessive power lines and roadside ads can hose an otherwise scenic drive.

Ghosts are not immune to biowarfare. Please try to get them to wear masks.

Always look for health powerups in your video games.

If you cannot afford a home, live in a car.

Five minutes to three is a good time to draw cheesy pictures of buildings.

If any part of the following illustration is unclear, ask a lab rat for advice.

Massive amounts of paperwork may cause death by boredom. Avoid.

 

[Jim March]

Video game health powerups may be obtained from poorly drawn characters lacking eyes.

If various parts of the state of Missouri begin speaking to each other, things have gone way rodeo. Obtain extra ammo immediately.

Talk to the rat again. By now, he's charging consulting fees. Have a supply of cheese ready.

Medical help can be an in-tents experience.

 

[BowStreetRunner]

bwahahahaha

 

[BluesBear]

LMAO!

Hay, I'm dyin' ova heaya.



You guys are killing me.


Thanks, Skunk I really needed the laughs today.

 

[Brian Dale]

Arf! Good stuff, Skunky!

 

[BerettaNut92]

The story on those:

I didn't make those up, I got them from a buddy. The pics are actually pulled from www.ready.gov with humorous captions....Jim where did you find the rest?

I don't think I laughed so hard in a long time when I read them.

 

[7.62FullMetalJacket]

 

[cordex]

Alternative caption

Do not sleep under broken concrete.

 

[foghornl]

I have visited the Ready.gov site a few times; Jim March & Skunky's stuff makes at least as much sense as some things on Ready.

 

[KpEng16]

very funny...a good laugh in the middle of all this work on my desk. Thanks

 

[Joshua Hutchison]

LOL