It's A Different Sound... I Wish I Could Forget

TarDevil

Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2009
Messages
2,695
Location
NC Coast
I now know why so many suicides go unheard.., undetected.
I'm assuming the sound was the slide slaming back. The report wass completely muted, like a silenced gun in the movies. Absorbed, I guess, in the cavities of the head. The sound could be mistaken for myriad things. It did not sound like a gun. It does now.

I agonized that I should have approached him, just make friendly conversation. But all the notes, all the policies and documents, told another story; this would not have been thwarted. But perhaps it could've happened on someone else's property. Or under a bridge. Further out in the swamp maybe. Not somewhere I walk past regularly.

I'm angered in many ways. The relatives - near and dear to me - are internalizing at a scary pace. It was cruel to them. Just cruel.

Me, I tear up in stores; while driving. While working.

It was a different sound. I wish I could forget it.
 
I hope you can find away to compartmentalize this bad thing. In my LE days I had to deal up close with a variety of deaths including 2 suicides. This was back in the 1960s. Now and then the memories pop up for a variety of reasons...or no reason.
Best to take a deep breath, say a prayer and occupy yourself with something good.
 
Last edited:
Suicide is a LOT more common than most of us realize. The cause of death is rarely mentioned in the papers when it happens. I volunteer with our local SAR team which is run by the Sheriff's department. I'm not LE but work closely with them.

I also help with a group that works nationally to look for missing people. I've done searches all over the Southeast and as far north as northern Indiana. Two local guys on our team drove from Georgia to New Mexico to work a search.

Almost all of our searches are suspected suicides followed by suspected murders. A lot of people who take their own lives don't want to be found and go to great lengths to hide their bodies. There are literally thousands of missing people in this country. Most of them have gone someplace to take their own life never to be found.

I've never been present when someone takes their lives, but I've helped put several in body bags. There are sights that can't be unseen, but the most searing memories are the smells.

The mixed emotions of family are hard to deal with. If we don't find anything there is still hope they may be alive, but the sadness of still not knowing. And when we do find remains there is the satisfaction of closure tempered with the heartbreak of knowing their loved one is in fact dead.

Talking about it helps, even here. But if this lingers don't hesitate to see a counselor. If your son is a 1st responder, I'm certain he has contacts who can talk to you.
 
I now know why so many suicides go unheard.., undetected.
I'm assuming the sound was the slide slaming back. The report wass completely muted, like a silenced gun in the movies. Absorbed, I guess, in the cavities of the head. The sound could be mistaken for myriad things. It did not sound like a gun. It does now.

I agonized that I should have approached him, just make friendly conversation. But all the notes, all the policies and documents, told another story; this would not have been thwarted. But perhaps it could've happened on someone else's property. Or under a bridge. Further out in the swamp maybe. Not somewhere I walk past regularly.

I'm angered in many ways. The relatives - near and dear to me - are internalizing at a scary pace. It was cruel to them. Just cruel.

Me, I tear up in stores; while driving. While working.

It was a different sound. I wish I could forget it.
I feel you man. A friend of mine, who was my ONLY friend when I was in elementary school, took his own life two years ago. He jumped off an electrical pole. I prefer not to think about what that would be like. I keep his obituary on the wall of my workshop on the garage. It has his picture and sometimes I talk to it while I'm working on things. However you grieve is however you grieve I guess. Pm me and I'll give you my cell and you can talk and I'll just listen
 
I now know why so many suicides go unheard.., undetected.
I hear you. For you. Find someone to talk to. For the relatives, just be there.

My 21yo daughter chose a rope to exit her life. I didn't talk to anyone for a few years. That did way more damage to myself that I would have thought possible. Everything I tried to do to deal with it just made it worse. Coming up on 4 years now, still tear up over the oddest things. Still really haven't talked to anyone. Spend a lot of time hiding. Nobody to really talk to about it all.

I was there when she was found. Not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
 
I now know why so many suicides go unheard.., undetected.
...
It was a different sound. I wish I could forget it.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that, and especially sorry that you will have to live with those feelings.

For you, and anyone else here on THR going through something similar, feel free to dm me if you want to talk or something. Losing someone to suicide is difficult.
 
I have a cousin who had a grown 40 year old son. Having an argument with his girlfriend, said "maybe you'd like to see me do this" or something to that effect, put his glock in his mouth, and pulled the trigger...probably didn't think it was chambered. His own father cleaned up the mess....I think of that when I think of the hard times that some people have to cope with....and I can't imagine how he did it.
 
I’m so very sorry.
Suicide has effects that run so deep and has so many layers.
Anger, sadness, loss, horror, grief, regret, guilt….
It changes lives, not just to the individual who is lost, but to the survivors as well, maybe even more so.
It never gets better, it only gets easier to move along. Even then, “easier” isn’t the right word.
Know that you’re not alone, and if you are struggling please find someone to talk with.
Our family has been going through this for the last few month, and Christmas will always be a time of many different emotions.
 
The more we reflect on these events and their causation, the more we are depressed and the collateral damage continues. Remember the good times, acknowledge that there is no rational explanation for an irrational act, and help those left behind.

I am sorry you had to experience this event, but you are not alone by any means. The challenge is to remember the effect on loved ones, and resolve never to do that to those who care.
 
Do not keep it inside. It will eat you up. I hate that anyone has to deal with this. Over 19 years since my family member ended her life. Out of the blue a memory pops in and takes me back. As others have said, let it out.
 
Back
Top