Old joke

[bnelson2943]

A woman is at the funeral of her late husband. She is crying and several of her friends come over to try and console her. They talk about what a good man he was and how he really enjoyed hunting and shooting. The wife agrees with them and tells them his last words were about guns. Asked what his last words were his wife replies "Watch out honey, that might be loaded!!"

 

[scarredpelt]

Okay, I'll bite at the let's dig up an old thread:

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The secondhunter replies,"I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, " There's this old transmission here, give mea hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see My goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said, "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission.

 

[PT1911]

Two rich old city men are sitting at a coffee table having their morning coffee when one looks at the other and exclaims, " we should go bear hunting so we can get an authentic bear skin rug." The other friend agrees so they buy the nicest Jeep equipped with the findest off roading equipment money can buy, the best rifles and hunting gear, and head to Alaska to find a Grizzly.

Sure enough, they find one and as they are hauling out the carcass they come across a game warden. "Nice Grizzly you've got there guys. Mind if I see your hunting licenses?" Surprised, the men responded,"Licenses? we didnt know we needed a license to hunt a grizzly." The game warden shook his head and informed them that he would need to confiscate the bear as well as their rifles and jeep.

That evening, a little upset, the men are sitting at a local bar recalling the insident and they decide to give it another try. This time they buy the best 4x4 truck they can find, the best rifles money can buy, the best overall hunting gear, and are sure to buy their licenses before heading into the woods. Sure enough, they get another bear.. bigger than the first one. As they are hauling the bear out on the 4x4, they come across the same warden. "Can I see your licenses?" The men smile real big and produce the licenses without hesitation. "Very good, very good. Can I see your Bear tag?" With an extreme look of surprise the men just swallow and reponsd, "Tag?" The warden just shakes his head. "Sorry guys, I am going to have to take your bear, truck, and guns. You cannot hunt bear without the proper tags."

Later that evening the men are sitting in the bar and both are pissed. As a matter of principle and stubborness they are determined to leave with a Bear. So, they buy a new truck, even nicer than the first two, they buy the nicest rifles and best gear in town, and make sure to get the proper tags before heading out one more time. Sure enough, they find and kill another bear.. even bigger than the first two. As before, they come across the same warden on the way out of the woods. "Nice Bear guys. He is even bigger than the others. Can I see your licenses?" Grinning from ear to ear they both produce their licenses and tags. Satisfied that they have all the legalities covered , the warden compliments them on their bear but cannot help but ask why the shot the bear 3 times!!! once through both paws and once through the head. "The older man who shot the bear quickly corrected him... "NO!!!, I only shot him once, he threw up his paws when my friend shined the light in his face.


"Alright guys, going to need to confiscate your bear,guns........"

 

[natman]

A parable of American business.

The CEO, the CFO and the VP of a large corporation decide that the stress of running a large corporation has been too great and that what they need is a good vacation. So they book a bush plane and buy new Weatherby rifles with Swarovski scopes, new Goretex camo gear and sleeping bags, tents, etc. and charge it all to the company.

The bush pilot flies them into the Alaskan wilds and warns them "Hunt all you like, but with three guys and all this gear, I'm only going to be able to take out one deer.".

So he flies off and a week later when he returns, sure enough they each have a deer. The CFO approaches the pilot and says "Last year we gave the pilot a $5,000 bonus and he found a way to get all three deer out." So the pilot takes the 5 grand and packs all three guys, their gear and three deer on the plane.

The plane takes off but just clips a tree. The pilot is able to crash land, but the plane is wrecked and all three deer are lost.

The VP goes to the CEO and says "Good news, sir, we got half a mile farther than last year!".

 

[kanook]

A seal walks into a club

 

[skiking]

Jim and John their buddy Frank out hunting to shoot Frank's first deer. Early in the morning, Jim shoots a deer. Before they gut the deer, Jim gets down on his knees and says a prayer thanking God for his harvest. He then puts a hand full of little brown things in his mouth and eats them. Frank asks, "what did you just do?" Jim replies, "It is a custom that hunters do after every kill, we eat a hand full of the deer's poop." A few hours later John shoots his deer. He gets down on his knees, says a prayer, and eats a hand full of little brown things. Later that afternoon Frank gets a buck in his sights and shoots his first deer. They walk up to the deer and Frank gets down on his knees and says a prayer. After his prayer he picks up a pile of deer poop and hesitantly puts it in his mouth and eats it with a look of disgust on his face. After he swallows, Jim and John fall on the ground and start laughing. Frank is a little confused and asks, "what is so funny?" John replies, "you just ate deer poop." Frank responds, "how is that funny? You guys ate some too." Jim replies, "those were Raisinets."

 

[~z]

Four guys have been hunting together for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he couldn't go, but what could they do.

Two days later the three get to the deer camp only to find Frank sitting there cold beer in hand, tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Night before last, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,“Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do what ever you want."


So, here I am

~z

 

[cottonmouth]

A fella goes on a fishing trip for several days and when he returns home his wife asks him did you catch anything? The man says no, I let several get away but I had a great time trying all my new lures out it was so much fun but honey I noticed that you forgot to pack my underwear, the wife says I put them in your damn tackle box........

J.B.

 

[JimKirk]

Game warden hears some loud booms around the bend in the river! Game warden says to himself " I guess them fools don't know hunting seasons over" ! He rounds the corner and sees two GA rednecks that are dynamite fishing. The GW pulls right up besides their boat and grabs the side of their boat. "What in the heck are you nuts doing"? RN in the back of the boat says "fishing sir, we be fishing"! GW starts in on them sure enough telling them how its illegal to fish with dynamite and that he going to carry them both to jail! About that time the RN in the front of the boat lights a stick of dynamite and hands it to the GW and says "well you gonna sit there or you gonna help us fish"!

 

[CoRoMo]

kanook...

That one's clever. It took me a couple seconds.

 

[CajunBass]

And the old farmer said, "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission

.

I saw that one coming from a mile away.

And STILL couldn't stop laughing!!

 

[scarredpelt]

.

I saw that one coming from a mile away.

And STILL couldn't stop laughing!!

The first time I read that one I nearly had to take a trip to the hospital, I actually thought I had done myself some harm from laughing.