Preacherman
Member
From Brainsnap (http://www.jengajam.com/r/Danish-Response):
World Cringes in Fear of Danish Response
Submitted by Comrade Che on 8 February, 2006 - 11:08am. international
Amid rumors that the Danish Prime Minister has renamed himself 'Erik the Blood-Axe', experts in Danish history have been called in to advise governments across the globe on the ensuing crisis.
"Listen," says Chair of Danish Studies at Harvard, Sven Huntleigh, "Last time anyone provoked the Danes, the whole lot of them picked up axes, dressed up in bearskins, antlers and horns, then went marching across Europe looting and burning. In short - everybody knows you don't mess with the Danes. They're freakin' crazy!"
Meanwhile, experts at the Pentagon fear the worst is yet to come.
"The Danish response is expected to be swift and bloody," Maj. General MacNeill told press earlier today. "But first, many thousands of longboats have to be carved..."
Cultural theorists are in agreement, however, that perhaps the most alarming development in the crisis is that cartoonists and comic strip writers are once more claiming to be culturally significant and influential afterall.
"A few thousand nauseatingly smug comic shop proprietors across North America are, distressingly, now more certain than ever of the intellectual importance of comics," despaired one pre-eminent cultural theorist, wearing corduoroys and a tweed jacket to preserve anonymity.
"It's enough to rob one of the will to live," he or she added.
Meanwhile in Northern Europe, Danish Prime Minister Mr. Blood-Axe has issued an edict forbidding males between 18 and 45 to shave and has instructed all army officers to "plat their beards, a bit like Gilmli at Helms Deep - which was so wicked". In addition, rowing lessons are now mandatory in all secondary schools as well as badminton - the latter being condemned as 'barbarous' by the UN only hours later. Finally, Mr. Blood-Axe is expected to go before the Danish parliment tomorrow to request an extra 86 billion to be added to the defense budget. Already, Denmark has taken out orders for millions of state-of-the-art Israeli-made axes, hammers and broadswords for the "dark days ahead".
In the middle-east, however, the atmosphere on the street remains the same.
"This is all about stereotypes," one Muslim cleric told Brainsnap, pausing between molotov cocktails near the burned-out ruins of a pastry shop that had been, it is alleged, selling apple danishes. "We refuse to be stereotyped as violent, and I speak on behalf of every Muslim in the world because I'm somehow certain every Muslim agrees with me, we all being so alike and everything. Now, in regard to this handful of cartoonists in Northern Europe... Clearly, innocent blood must be spilt before they realise that we should not be falsely represented."
Finally, a videotape aired by Al-Jazeera hours ago showed a man, believed to be Osama Bin Laden, angrily berating two men holding Kalashnikovs. "All I wanted was an idea that would provoke a reaction. You come up with this crazy idea with a lot of planes and impossible timing but none of you predicted that we would be unable to redeem the frequent flier points.
"And I'm pretty sure none of you idiots said 'hire a cartoonist'. Maybe they're right - maybe violence isn't the best best way to start this jihad?"
World Cringes in Fear of Danish Response
Submitted by Comrade Che on 8 February, 2006 - 11:08am. international
Amid rumors that the Danish Prime Minister has renamed himself 'Erik the Blood-Axe', experts in Danish history have been called in to advise governments across the globe on the ensuing crisis.
"Listen," says Chair of Danish Studies at Harvard, Sven Huntleigh, "Last time anyone provoked the Danes, the whole lot of them picked up axes, dressed up in bearskins, antlers and horns, then went marching across Europe looting and burning. In short - everybody knows you don't mess with the Danes. They're freakin' crazy!"
Meanwhile, experts at the Pentagon fear the worst is yet to come.
"The Danish response is expected to be swift and bloody," Maj. General MacNeill told press earlier today. "But first, many thousands of longboats have to be carved..."
Cultural theorists are in agreement, however, that perhaps the most alarming development in the crisis is that cartoonists and comic strip writers are once more claiming to be culturally significant and influential afterall.
"A few thousand nauseatingly smug comic shop proprietors across North America are, distressingly, now more certain than ever of the intellectual importance of comics," despaired one pre-eminent cultural theorist, wearing corduoroys and a tweed jacket to preserve anonymity.
"It's enough to rob one of the will to live," he or she added.
Meanwhile in Northern Europe, Danish Prime Minister Mr. Blood-Axe has issued an edict forbidding males between 18 and 45 to shave and has instructed all army officers to "plat their beards, a bit like Gilmli at Helms Deep - which was so wicked". In addition, rowing lessons are now mandatory in all secondary schools as well as badminton - the latter being condemned as 'barbarous' by the UN only hours later. Finally, Mr. Blood-Axe is expected to go before the Danish parliment tomorrow to request an extra 86 billion to be added to the defense budget. Already, Denmark has taken out orders for millions of state-of-the-art Israeli-made axes, hammers and broadswords for the "dark days ahead".
In the middle-east, however, the atmosphere on the street remains the same.
"This is all about stereotypes," one Muslim cleric told Brainsnap, pausing between molotov cocktails near the burned-out ruins of a pastry shop that had been, it is alleged, selling apple danishes. "We refuse to be stereotyped as violent, and I speak on behalf of every Muslim in the world because I'm somehow certain every Muslim agrees with me, we all being so alike and everything. Now, in regard to this handful of cartoonists in Northern Europe... Clearly, innocent blood must be spilt before they realise that we should not be falsely represented."
Finally, a videotape aired by Al-Jazeera hours ago showed a man, believed to be Osama Bin Laden, angrily berating two men holding Kalashnikovs. "All I wanted was an idea that would provoke a reaction. You come up with this crazy idea with a lot of planes and impossible timing but none of you predicted that we would be unable to redeem the frequent flier points.
"And I'm pretty sure none of you idiots said 'hire a cartoonist'. Maybe they're right - maybe violence isn't the best best way to start this jihad?"
