Drizzt
Member
Salt Lake Tribune (Utah)
April 28, 2003, Monday
SECTION: Final; Pg. D1
LENGTH: 546 words
HEADLINE: Academy Exposes Reality
BYLINE: Robert Kirby
BODY:
As if the world isn't screwed up enough already, Larry Erdmann and I decided to go to the police academy.
Not the real police academy, mind you. The only one that would even consider accepting the Hardly Boys as cadets was the Utah Highway Patrol Citizens Academy.
About two dozen citizens meet at Peace Officer Standards and Training every Thursday evening to learn what UHP troopers do besides giving me tickets. The class is a mixed bunch of social workers, bureaucrats, college kids, police buffs, business suits, news mutts and even two Republican state legislators.
During the first drive up from Utah County, Larry and I discussed opening our own private detective agency after graduation. The idea lost its charm when the first class revealed that a certain amount of smarts were required.
We study traffic safety, crime scene investigation, firearms, communications, self-defense and patrol operations. If we do well the instructors semi-promise us a prom when we graduate.
The UHP Citizens Academy differs slightly from the real thing. The official version is all day for 17 weeks and requires paying attention in class and running well beyond the point of barfing.
Our instructors come from a variety of law enforcement assignments, but all intent on teaching us that police work is considerably more complicated and dangerous than Hollywood pretends.
Last week was defensive training. Class began with the shocking video of a Georgia police officer being murdered. Properly sobered we got into the intricacies of taking violent suspects into custody.
Unlike the big screen versions, real cops generally shrink from arresting even felony suspects by beating them with furniture.
So, we bumbled and groaned our way through handcuffing techniques so complicated that I defy any contortionist with six elbows to get them right the first 50 times.
I wanted to practice arresting the two Republicans but there was a line for them, so I got stuck hooking and booking Larry.
Just when we thought we knew enough, the instructors introduced us to the Firearms Training Simulator, or FATS. In a dim room we faced assailants in computer-monitored scenarios to see if we could make life and death decisions in under a second.
Where the instructors failed, FATS succeeded in convincing most of us that short of divine intervention, we are not police material.
Poor, trusting Larry set a new academy record by getting killed 155 times, not counting the incidents when he accidentally shot himself, something the simulator technician swears should have been impossible.
Having once been a cop, I started out with a slight advantage that was promptly lost when I remembered the Georgia deputy. I blasted away at everything including potential witnesses, pets, cars, houseplants and Larry.
Highly concerned instructors have since informed me that police work has changed a lot in 15 years, something that needed remembering unless I wanted to finish the rest of the course in restraints.
Fine. We move on to safer stuff in the weeks ahead. Emergency vehicle operation should be interesting.
April 28, 2003, Monday
SECTION: Final; Pg. D1
LENGTH: 546 words
HEADLINE: Academy Exposes Reality
BYLINE: Robert Kirby
BODY:
As if the world isn't screwed up enough already, Larry Erdmann and I decided to go to the police academy.
Not the real police academy, mind you. The only one that would even consider accepting the Hardly Boys as cadets was the Utah Highway Patrol Citizens Academy.
About two dozen citizens meet at Peace Officer Standards and Training every Thursday evening to learn what UHP troopers do besides giving me tickets. The class is a mixed bunch of social workers, bureaucrats, college kids, police buffs, business suits, news mutts and even two Republican state legislators.
During the first drive up from Utah County, Larry and I discussed opening our own private detective agency after graduation. The idea lost its charm when the first class revealed that a certain amount of smarts were required.
We study traffic safety, crime scene investigation, firearms, communications, self-defense and patrol operations. If we do well the instructors semi-promise us a prom when we graduate.
The UHP Citizens Academy differs slightly from the real thing. The official version is all day for 17 weeks and requires paying attention in class and running well beyond the point of barfing.
Our instructors come from a variety of law enforcement assignments, but all intent on teaching us that police work is considerably more complicated and dangerous than Hollywood pretends.
Last week was defensive training. Class began with the shocking video of a Georgia police officer being murdered. Properly sobered we got into the intricacies of taking violent suspects into custody.
Unlike the big screen versions, real cops generally shrink from arresting even felony suspects by beating them with furniture.
So, we bumbled and groaned our way through handcuffing techniques so complicated that I defy any contortionist with six elbows to get them right the first 50 times.
I wanted to practice arresting the two Republicans but there was a line for them, so I got stuck hooking and booking Larry.
Just when we thought we knew enough, the instructors introduced us to the Firearms Training Simulator, or FATS. In a dim room we faced assailants in computer-monitored scenarios to see if we could make life and death decisions in under a second.
Where the instructors failed, FATS succeeded in convincing most of us that short of divine intervention, we are not police material.
Poor, trusting Larry set a new academy record by getting killed 155 times, not counting the incidents when he accidentally shot himself, something the simulator technician swears should have been impossible.
Having once been a cop, I started out with a slight advantage that was promptly lost when I remembered the Georgia deputy. I blasted away at everything including potential witnesses, pets, cars, houseplants and Larry.
Highly concerned instructors have since informed me that police work has changed a lot in 15 years, something that needed remembering unless I wanted to finish the rest of the course in restraints.
Fine. We move on to safer stuff in the weeks ahead. Emergency vehicle operation should be interesting.
