How to change SWMBO's mind?

Unfortunately some people cannot be convinced of anything if they refuse to believe it. I hope you can get through to your wife. Perhaps you could ask her to take the NRA course Refuse to Be a Victim. Maybe that could open her eyes, especially if you can find a female instructor. Some wives will listen to other people and not their husbands, so getting her info from the NRA instructors could sink in whereas anything you try to tell her will not.

How to change SWMBO's mind?

Uhhhmmmm....

YOU cannot. Someone else or some external event will change her mind. +1 for the suggestion of 'Refuse to Be a Victim'. We can only hope that the mind-change occurs before something really nasty happens to her and/or daughter.

Feel your Pain, Man!

Don't think that guy should have even been at your house!

If he's on parole think his PO would have a pretty dim view of that "visit".

Personally I'd be using your Daughter being home, as a trump card, meaning she should be thinking of the big picture rather than her ability to deal effectively with her client's.

Another thing, how the hell can you be effective at your job with this thing hanging over your head?

I'd be talking to a PO not to blow her in but to find out what paralees can and can't do and his advice in general. Maaybe he's run into similar re, females working with hard cases before?

Best of Luck to ya!

Sounds to me like your wife's mind is already made up...











But I bet your daughter's mind is pretty malleable....

Your wife seems determined to be a victim. At this point it seems unlikely you can do anything to change that, perhaps some of her coworkers can, perhaps POs or LEOs that she knows, but preaching at her will likely only harden her position in her own mind. Maybe all of you could go to the Refuse To Be A Victim class together, as a family thing, rather than just dumping it on her?

How about your daughter? Is she willing to learn what she needs to, willing to go to the range with you or a trusted friend? Is she mature and responsible enough to have access to a weapon of her own, perhaps (single shot shotgun in a locked security cabinet to which she has the key, for dire emergency use only, for example)? Failing that, how about some serious OC at least?

Any of your wife's "clients" who come looking for her in the future might find your daughter at home alone. It is pretty clear your wife is not nearly careful enough about keeping your address private. She is actively endangering not only herself, but your daughter. She has to realize that.

lpl/nc

The harder you work to persuade her, the more likely she will hear the meta-message of, "You don't know how to do your own job," and the harder she will dig her heels in. So drop the subject with your wife; she apparently has decided it is preferable to live in denial than it is to wallow in how dangerous the world is. Frightening for you, because you love her... but she's an adult and must be allowed to make her own choices no matter how scary you find those choices.

If you can, work with your daughter on some family emergency plans. Not just, "what to do if a BG pulls up in front of the house," but also fire escape plans, where do we meet after an earthquake plans, that sort of thing. Where would your family meet up if there were a natural disaster while you were at work? Does every bedroom in the house have two escape routes in case of a fire -- and if your home has two or more floors, is there a fire ladder on the second storey? Talk with her about such things, and in that context, discuss some things she might do or not do if one of her mom's clients showed up at the door.

***

On a more personal note, I really don't understand why other women don't take this sort of thing more seriously.

It is possible that your wife believes she is helping those BGs, and cannot emotionally face the idea of hurting one of them on purpose, or killing one. If that's the case, it really would do no good at all to push her into carrying even as much as a can of OC. BGs aren't afraid of weapons per se (they carry weapons themselves, after all). Rather, they are afraid of resolutely-armed people who will use the weapons if needed. If your wife is armed but not resolute, the old cliche about a weapon getting taken away from her really will apply.

The idea of appealing to your wife's mother instinct to protect your daughter sounds good on the surface, but could backfire. I wouldn't try that one as a lecture. You may, however, be able to ask your wife what she would want your daughter to do if one of the clients drops by when your daughter is home alone. If you do that, don't tell her the plans -- ask her what she'd think your daughter should do if ___, and then let her work through the permutations herself. However, don't do that if you've already decided to work through your own plans with your daughter; it has to be honest or it won't work at all.

Don't know if any of this helped. Hope some of it did.

pax

Hi Gary,

Man, we ought to get together with our wives sometime. Gina has gone through life with an angel on her shoulder. To her credit, she's incredibly personable and intelligent, and is generally able to control a bad situation (she has this uncanny ability to make anybody - even the lowest dirtball - want her to think well of them).

But, despite her having worked as a criminal defense lawyer on some pretty unbelievably heinous cases, she was completely unwilling to have anything to do with my guns.

Well, that changed one day when she was working at home and a creepy looking dude was hanging about near the house (the whole subdivision has security guards now, so it's not as much of an issue) - she thought he was looking in the window. Somehow or another this hit the "add" button on all of her criminal defense experience, and she felt worried for her security. She called me at work, and I told her how to get into the safe, but how do you explain to an unschooled and mechanically inept person how to operate a 1911?

Anyway, the result was that I bought some .38 revolvers and I now go out to the range with her once a year. She's not especially good at shooting, but she knows how to shoot the .38s, and she knows where they live, and how they feel when they go off, and where to aim.

Your story really makes me think you want to get the kid able to protect herself. I will try to remember to run it by my wife sometime soon (she's up at the legislature right now, and she and her brother are taking our godson to see Cher tonight, so it probably won't be today), but I suspect Gina would have the same reaction that you and I did. Anyway, if Gina has the same take on it, perhaps hearing it from another woman (with similar proclivities) might help.

(And Gina did say that she'd come to the next NM Socorro Get-Together! )

In the meantime, take comfort in the fact that your wife probably is good at taking care of herself and her daughter, and see what the kid thinks about doing a little bit of training with you in the meantime. Lee Aldridge from www.selfdefenseforums is a neighbor of mine, and he does non-gun training that might be of help, too, as the head instructor of Reality Based Fighting Concepts. www.fightingconcepts.com He's a smart guy, with lots good to say about situations like yours - you might give him a call.

Talk to you later, partner. I'll say a prayer for your family's security.

I agree, it's probably gonna take a "triggering event".

Keep the TV tuned to the local news. Sadly enough, there always seems to be something on there that reminds me of why I carry.

Do you know who the Rangemaster or Head Trainer is for your local Law?
Should they ever bump into each other (arrange it?), he or she may be able to plant a seed in her mind.

I "feel your pain" somewhat.

The worst thing we can do is push it.

My wife is sorta in the middle on this, and you might say even weaves from one side to the other on occasion.
She scares me to death because she gets out of work after dark sometimes, at a hospital, in a somewhat creepy area.

She is (mostly) fine with me being armed 99.9% of the time. She won't carry herself.
Even with safes, Life Jackets, etc, she suddenly became a little nervous about "guns in the house" after our first child was born (mother's instinct sort of thing?). Other times, something happens, and she has been glad that I was there, armed, and in code yellow. Or there is something on the news that "enlightens" her.

She was somewhat open to the idea before we started having kids. That kinda set things back, in that respect.

Just this weekend she asked about keeping a gun in her car.
Actually kinda surprised me. Gotta be careful though. Baby steps.

I want to add-
I will not encourage her to carry a gun without knowing she has practiced, will continue to practice, and/or take a class. Gladly, she has echoed my feelings on that by saying that she will not carry if she can't manage to find time to practice because the responsibility is so great.
I think I would prefer her to go "gun-less" than have her armed with just a gun and no skill.

And I'm not going to teach her. I don't think that's a good idea either.
When and if my wife says she is ready, I'll sign her up for a course I took at a neighboring county's Sheriff's Dept. I think it had 12 people in it, and almost half were women similar to our wives. It was worth taking the class just to watch the transformation that took place with them.

Also, get hold of that BG's parole officer/supervisor, and give him/her hell about the BG's visit. AFAIK, such visits to the home of caseworkers are not allowed. If that's the case, make sure that the BG gets nailed for it (locked up again, if possible). If they won't do that, report the incident to your local LE authorities, and make sure they know how unhappy you are about it. If there is a follow-up visit that goes badly for you (e.g. where you or your family actually have to use violence, even if only OC spray, to control a situation), at least there will be a "paper trail" to cover yourselves as far as possible.

I'd also suggest asking your local Chief Of Police or Sheriff whether they can talk to your wife, one-on-one, and give her some details of the kind of "payback" criminals and parolees can inflict on those they don't like. There are many cases on record. If they can convince her of the danger that such folks pose to her, she might start re-thinking her position on self-defence. Perhaps they have a female officer, who can speak to her more "comfortably"?

I also doubt that Mom would approve her keeping any firearm in her room.

Click to expand...

She is YOUR daughter too ... the heck with Mom

Your wife is endangering herself, your daughter, and YOU as well

Wife may be a lost cause, but IMO you need to do SOMETHING to make sure you and your daughter are safe.

Remember that little conversation we had after shooting, Gary?

I think at this point you have to assume a lot of not very nice folks know where you live.

If your daughter is willing, teach her how to shoot.

I am willing to help, if you want.

If you need anything else let me know.

Pay attention to the goings on in your neighborhood, get to know your neighbors.

Keep your eyes and ears open, bud.

Hi Gary,

Well, I read your post to Gina, and she's on board with us. She said, "Man, she needs to talk to me. I don't like guns, but that's a bad situation, and she ought to know how to use them if they're around."

So, anyway, maybe we can all have lunch sometime.

cheers, erich

Glad to hear that it may not be as bad as it seemed at first. Here's hoping that is the case.
Good luck with the preparations.

Glad it's working out.

Pepper spray may be a good intermediate suggestion. Your daughter may be able to save your wife or herself.