For what it's worth, I use .40 S&W because:
• It's as powerful a caliber as I can handle well enough for self-defense (might be a tad more challenging than .45 ACP), which for me means rapid aimed fire while tracking targets.
• It fits pistols of the same frame and grip size as 9mm, which helps because other members of my family have small hands (they won't train and can't shoot it like I can, but then again they can't seem to shoot 9mm any better anyway).
• The ammo doesn't cost much more than 9mm where I live, and is more affordable than .45 ACP--not that this matters all that much to me, but since the difference in terminal effectiveness between these three calibers is not great, I'm not very willing to pay much for it.
• I was able to find more loads that satisfied my requirements for terminal ballistics, and for me this all ultimately comes down to the performance of individual loads rather than caliber, per se.
Truth be told, any of these calibers would be a good choice if self-defense is your goal, at least as far as handguns go. .40 S&W is pretty ideal in ways that fit my preferences, needs, and abilities, but that's just me. Anybody who shoots 9mm noticeably better should probably go with that because it will make them more effective overall (and they'll gain some capacity and save some money, too). Those who would feel more comfortable or confident with the largest rounds (size does have its advantages) may decide that .45 ACP is for them despite lower capacity and greater cost, and that would be a good choice, as well, especially since some people can shoot it better than .40 S&W (although in many cases I suspect it's probably the result of the fact that they're using larger, heavier pistols). Are you starting to get a better feeling of what's best for you?