But I have had more than one deal where the receiving FFL absolutley refused to RECEIVE a weapon from a private party...
New York isn't the only state where the FFL has been buffalo'ed. I was a resident of CA, and am now a resident in Mississippi. Though this practice isn't federal law, there are at least 2 dealers in CA and 2 in MS that require a sender's FFL. One CA FFL used to take in transfers directly from a private party, but that practice changed in 2003 because of a change in CA gun laws (or so he said). They all said pretty much the same thing--they don't wanna go through the hassle of dealing with the BATF, so their bound books always show a FFL from the sending party, law or not. As others have said, there are FFL's who'll accept directly from a private party, though. A lot will depend on how far you're willing to drive.
$25 for a transfer fee and $40 shipping is pretty standard-- both in my personal experience, and from the feedback of the majority of the sellers I've dealt with. The sellers were in MI, NC, TX, GA, CO, and FL, and yes, my FFL has told me if the seller went through an FFL on his end. That's the only way I knew the claim of an 'extra' expense by the seller was legit (not that I ever doubted them).
It may be a rip, but if my purchases and sales are any indication, there are more dealers out there who're requiring a sender FFL than not. Why UPS instead of USPS? Because UPS will come to them; no one wants to deal with the post office. If you've found an FFL who's willing to ship by USPS, kiss him and remember him at Christmas.