Dumbest criminals stories.

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Speaking of models...


"A Russian supermodel leaving the bathroom of her trailer opened the wrong door and fell out of the vehicle onto a New York highway.

The motor home was cruising at about 50 mph Tuesday when Tatyana Simanava, 21, tumbled out, leaving her with a dislocated shoulder as well as number of cuts and bruises, the New York Post and New York Daily News reported Wednesday.

Simanava`s driver saw the fall in his side mirrors and immediately pulled over to the side of the busy Gowanus Expressway, police said.

The model, who was en route to a job with other women from Next Models, was rushed to Lutheran Hospital.

Simanava told police she was exiting the restroom of the recreational vehicle and made the wrong choice between two doors.

'She`s lucky she wasn`t killed,' a police source told the Daily News. 'She could have easily gotten run over.'"


Seriously, I'm glad the girl wasn't hurt any worse, but talk about a stereotype!
 
My favorite is a trio of 2003 Darwin Award Nominees:
(12 February 2003) Three men wielding knives tried to rob a slaughterhouse. But when it comes to hand to hand combat with sharp blades, butchers working in a slaughterhouse are more than a match for your average thief. They stabbed two of the intruders to death. The third man escaped from the angry butchers and fled in his car.

Police soon spotted him, and after a brief car chase, the would-be thief pulled over and leapt from his vehicle. But instead of fleeing into the underbrush, he tried to dodge heavy traffic and escape across the highway. Perhaps he thought that threatening butchers with knives was not a sufficient demonstration of his intelligence.

Within seconds, the natural justice system meted out his punishment in the form of a large truck, which struck and killed him.
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:what:

My cousin is a butcher, with no formal combat training, but just cutting animals apart for 8 hours a day for 20+ years... you can tell by watching him work that his knife is an extension of his body and cutting off an appendage would take very little effort and even less time.
 
Just yesterday:

Burglars' note to self: Don't leave video evidence behind
Suspects videotaped themselves on a stolen camera, then left it for deputies to find.

Howie Padilla, Star Tribune
Last update: May 11, 2006 – 10:28 PM

Another week, another St. Paul movie premiere. But this time, instead of Garrison Keillor, Ramsey County Sheriff Bob Fletcher played host.

The stars in this show were three unidentified young males -- burglary-ring suspects thought to be involved in at least six east metro capers.

"I'm sure they'll be eligible for the 'Dumbest Crooks in America' video someday," Fletcher said.

Police were seeking four suspects, and they had caught three juveniles by Thursday night.

A sheriff's deputy came across the tape in a stolen video camera that was recovered from a stolen car early Sunday morning in Vadnais Heights after a car chase and crash.

The driver and a passenger fled on foot, eluding the deputy. But in the vehicle, one of two stolen last month in Maplewood, the deputy found a trove from the burglaries.

It included the video camera, a cell phone, an iPod, a shotgun and other items stolen last week.

"If we've caught them with property from six burglaries, they've probably done 60," Fletcher said.

In addition to the three people seen in the video, investigators believed there was a fourth person running the camera. They believe that person is among the three caught.

Although there have been no reports of anyone being injured, Fletcher called the group dangerous because at least once, at a home in St. Paul's Highland Park neighborhood, the suspects broke into a house while people were at home.

"Few burglars will go into a home that's occupied," Fletcher said. "They know the risks of getting caught and the potential."

In the video, the suspects are seen at a basketball court, playing video games and trying to rap. The images are priceless to investigators, Fletcher said.

"Without this piece of evidence, this crime would not be solved," he said.

Authorities were looking for a stolen red Dodge Intrepid with Minnesota license plate LUS 835. Anyone with information about the burglaries is asked to call 651-484-3366.
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Just today ( http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,195197,00.html - scroll down to bottom story):

Not to Worry, 'It Was Just a Little Boom Thing'

DURHAM, N.C. (AP) — A man who pleaded guilty to lobbing a homemade bomb at his girlfriend said he was actually aiming for a beaver dam. In the end, he was the only person injured, and he now faces 10 months in prison as well.

Otis Cecil Wilkins, 45, pleaded guilty Wednesday to assault with a deadly weapon and was sentenced to 300 days in jail. He had been charged with attempted first-degree murder.

According to sheriff's deputies, Wilkins had threatened the ex-girlfriend, then threw the bottle bomb at her car as she drove into her yard in Rougemont, about 30 miles north of Raleigh. Witnesses said the bomb exploded in "a large fireball," and then rolled back toward Wilkins, igniting his shorts.

Public Defender Lawrence Campbell said Wilkins' target was a beaver dam that blocked a waterway, and that the bomb was ignited by ash from his cigarette that fell onto the fuse.

Wilkins spent more than a week at a hospital burn center.

"I ain't no terrorist," he was quoted as saying in a law enforcement report from the incident last year. "It was just a little bit of black powder. It was just a little boom thing."

Wilkins pleaded guilty to three assault counts, one for his ex-girlfriend and two for other people nearby, including the woman's 3-year-old granddaughter. Prosecutor Mitchell Garrell said he pursued a plea-bargain because the ex-girlfriend was uncooperative.
 
Here's one: In the waning years of the Twentieth Century, I was running a shop on Buford Highway in Atlanta. For those of you unfamiliar with the area, think strip clubs, housing projects and 24-hour-se-habla-espanol check-cashing joints.

Guy walks in with a Jennings J22 tucked in the back of his waistband. Guy's 17 years old, wearing a huge ski jacket in July. He walks up to my clerk Teri and yells, "b%$%, gimme the money." At this point, she hadn't seen the gun. My assistant and I were in the next room.

Teri was a 190lb single mother of two from Detroit. She didn't take kindly to this, and her rebuttal started with, "you stupid crackhead" and went downhill from there.

Robber got angry and reached back to draw his gun. From watching the tapes, it LOOKS like his finger was off the trigger at the time, and that the gun slam-fired. The round went through the back of his calf, made a trip through his lower-left leg and lodged in his foot.

In the next room, we heard the yelling, followed by a loud "pop" and what sounded like a small girl screaming. We ran out to find the perp writhing on the floor in agony with a pool of blood forming under his leg. He kept screaming, "oh sweet stanky Jesus."

At no point did it occur to any of the three of us who were armed to draw our guns. It was just so...pathetic. One of my clerks retrieved the perp's gun and laid it on the counter while another called 911.

"Yeah, um, I think the guy shot himself. What? No, that's him screaming. Yeah. In the foot. Yeah, probably an ambulance, I guess. No, we're all okay. No, I don't think he's going anywhere..."

The police arrived, and one of the officers was trying really hard to stifle the giggles. The guy was just moaning, and at one point, he asked the officer taking my statement when the ambulance would arrive, and the officer just said, "whenever."

But the best part, the best part was the group of three 13-year-old girls chanting, "yo, crackhead, that's what you get" like it was a nursery rhyme.

Turns out this was some sort of initiation for whatever low-rent high school gang the guy was in. Though I'd never trust it for self-defense, the .22 sure can do a heck of alot of damage at close range. The guy was still in crutches when his court date came up 1 1/2 months later.
 
I once tried a case for a black defendant who was a few bricks shy of a load. When the jury found him not guilty, he started yelling "THANK YOU JESUS! PRAISE YO NAME JESUS!" over and over. Finally I said "you're welcome, but my name isn't Jesus."
 
Here's two I've heard second-hand that may or may not be true. The first one is real short:

"Wire tapping? **** that, yo, this is a cell phone!"

And there was the guy who was on trial for something related to organized crime on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. The lights went out in the courtroom for a moment and when they came back on he was under the defense table. Heh.
 
Then there was the time the drug detectives had made a case on some dealer and went over to serve the warrant on his house. They see a couple suspiscious characters sneaking out the back, so they draw down and yell at them to put their hands up. Reaction: "WE'RE COPS TOO!" Turns out the drug unit from the next county was working a case on the same guy, at the same time, without telling them. I believe there was some discussion about the wisdom of telling other agencies when you're in their territory. Anyway, they got the dealer.
 
The attempted FOP bingo game holdup was in Virginia.
One of my favorites occured in a small SW Michigan town a number of years ago and was reported in the local paper. Two geniuses from another small town decided to hold up a bank in the first town. In order to make a faster getaway, they decided to hold up the drive up window, thus staying in their car. They sent a note through the tube and carrier system into a teller threatening to shoot her and demanding money. They were still waiting for their money when the cops arrived. I always wanted to ask them just how they were going to shoot her, maybe put the bullets in the cannister and send them in through the tube?
 
Unreal....

"Quite a few years ago in anchorage and guy walks into a bank with a note to give him some money. The teller then says " I need to see some ID" he hands it to the teller. the teller then sends the guy out with some money but he didn't ask for the id back and the cops were at his appartment before he even got there."
Oh man, I hope this guy doesn't Breed......:evil:
 
"Sweet stanky Jesus...", good Lord, I've been laughing at that one for an hour, on and off. It's gonna be stuck in my head all day.

Biker
 
Dumb Crook Stories

Let's see now,

There was a bright spark who tried to hold up a certain South Melbourne "watering hole" without first checking out the place and noticing the numbers of large gentlemen with big feet and bad moustaches. Yep, good idea son, stick up the pub whilst the Armed Robbery Squad are having their Christmas drinks in the front bar. This fellow later described what he saw as he pulled a sawed off shotgun from under his jacket and announced himself as "a sea of revolver muzzles".

Young fellow, grew up in small country town in the Wimmera District of Victoria. His dad and the local bank manager are good mates and go rabbit shooting together most weekends. Stuck up the bank, with his dad's shotgun. Bank manager recognised both kid and shotgun.

Police raid the home of a known armed robber and discover a gun this fellow has obtained for his next job. Gun was put together from parts, the gun this fellow had purchased illegally to further his criminal career sported a .38 calibre cylinder and a .32 calibre barrel.
 
"Sweet stanky Jesus...", good Lord, I've been laughing at that one for an hour, on and off. It's gonna be stuck in my head all day.
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That was our motto around work for about a month afterwards. This happened on a busy Saturday, and alot of our regular customers had been present at the time, and word got around. For months afterwards, "Sweet stanky Jesus!" was the local catchphrase :)
 
I'm surprised no one's mentioned the best ones of all, which seem to happen with some regularity: Guy tries to hold up a gun store with a knife.
 
1. I seem to recall a gentleman who robbed a liquorstore in Gary, IN with a sawed off shotgun. Having obtained the contents of the cash drawer, he exited the establishment and shoved the gun down his pants. It went off...

2. My Criminology professor in college in the '70s told the class about a guy who went into a bar in Poplar Bluff, MO (Kind of like Fallujah with bars and liquorstores). The guy has a drink or two and carries on a friendly conversation with the bartender. When he finishes his last drink, he asks the bartender, "You got a gun?" The bartender replies, "Nah, what would I need a gun for?" The guy then says, "Well, I've got one. This is a stickup."
The robber proceeds to empty the cash drawer, and collect a few watches and wallets. Carefully, he backs his way to the front door of the bar. Seeing nobody following him, he puts his gun in his pocket and turns his back on the patrons preparatory to leaving. At that moment multiple patrons drew handguns and shot him repeatedly and fatally. The moral of the story was, "He must not have been from Poplar Bluff, cuz EVERYBODY knows that everybody in Poplar Bluff carries a gun."
 
Our local jail, like most these days, has phones for making collect calls in the tanks. Every time you call, it plays a recording before connecting the call: "ALL CALLS ARE MONITORED AND RECORDED". Now, multiple choice test: which of the following have been recorded just after hearing that warning:

(A) "Bitch, tell the police I didn't beat you, or I'll do it again worse when I get out!" (of course, violating a no contact order is a fresh offense);

(B) "Go over to ****** , look in the ****, and get rid of that sh*t before the cops find it!";

(C) "Tell Cletus that if he takes out that snitch before he testifies, I'll pay him $**** when I get out.";

(D) All of the above?
 
We just had an incident here where a DOT employee was driving a govt truck drunk and got arrested for it because he pulled over to help a cop move something off the road. Come on now, why not just pull over and say "Hey officer, i'm drunk, arrest me!"
 
I'd pay money to see that video.
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Don't hold your breath unless you look absolutely marvelous in blue.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin05.asp

Entry #7, about the failed thief who attempted to heave a cinder block through a store's window only to have the oversized brick rebound off the Plexiglass and knock him out, was published in the 1995 compilation America's Dumbest Criminals. (Note that the inclusion of this item and the next one in that book is no guarantee of the factuality of either incident, as that volume also includes the venerable "revenging animal" urban legend, supposedly told of a coyote who destroyed his killers' $20,000 4x4 Blazer by going to ground under it with a lit stick of dynamite tied to its tail.) While the book's authors do claim the Fraternal Order of Police, based in Nashville, received a video of the cinder block robbery attempt, we have been unable to substantiate the tale through searches of news databases.
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Two gentlemen of 'color' decide to rob a redneck beer joint. They obtain a gun in some fashion and - at a time after the drinking has started in earnest - make their appearance. They announce themselves and their intent. Something along the lines of "All you redneck mother-verbers, give us your money; we gots a gun!"

Whereupon the armed unit fires a shot into the ceiling to punctuate the very real threat.

Sadly, the weapon in question is a single barreled shotgun, (sawn off at either end for convenience).

All the rednecks in the place recognized the type of weapon. All the rednecks in the place - albeit well 'lubricated' - could still count to one. The two would be robbers were placed under citizen's arrest. And then some, I understand.
 
On 3 February 1990, David Zaback attempted to hold up H&J Leather & Firearms Ltd., a gun shop located in Renton Highlands near Seattle, Washington. About 4:40 p.m. that day, he entered the crowded shop and announced his intention to rob it by telling everyone to put their hands on the counter and saying if anybody moved, he'd kill them. He then spotted a uniformed policeman having coffee with Wendall Woodall, the shop's owner. What happened next is less than clear in terms of who shot first, but there was an exchange of gunfire between David Zaback, the would-be robber; Timothy Lally, an 18-year veteran of the King County police force; and Danny Morris, one of the shop's clerks.

Zaback, who had fired three times, was shot three times in the chest and once in the arm. He died in the hospital about four hours after the shooting. No one else was injured during the incident, and no charges were subsequently laid against Lally or Morris.

Zaback's weapon was a .38-caliber semiautomatic pistol, The clerk, Morris, fired a 10mm semiautomatic pistol, and the policeman, Lally, fired a 9mm Glock 17 semiautomatic pistol. As for the participation of others, according to Renton police Capt. Don Persson, although several other customers had guns and pulled them, they did not shoot — the only ones involved in the exchange of lead were Zaback, Lally, and Morris.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. It's unclear how many shots were fired, in part because some of the suspect's shots struck ammunition on a counter, causing the ammunition to explode. "There were slugs all over that place," Persson said. As for Zaback, he died with four wounds in him, one in the arm and three in the chest.
Renton police Capt. Don Persson said, "The surprising thing is that the man had to walk right past a marked police car to get in the front door."
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Bahamas Top Stories
February 12, 2003 – 12:32
Man Shot Dead In Attempted Gun Store Robbery
'You ain't gotta worry about him gettin any bail,' one onlooker said referring to the dead criminal and the inept judicial system.

A man was shot and killed yesterday at the Mall at Marathon after attempting to rob a gun shop with a knife.

Supt. of Police Hulan Hanna said that some time after 4pm yesterday, an unidentified man was killed by an employee of The Outdoor Sportsman store in The Mall at Marathon after threatening a security guard with a knife and attempting to rob the establishment of goods including weapons.

By late yesterday aftrenoon a crowd had gathered outside the store's entrance.

One onlooker applauded, exclaiming "justice!" as the body was removed for transportation by coroners.

The Tribune spoke with the individual who commented that he considered justice had been done in the matter.

Speaking of criminals in general, he said he wished "more of those scum were in there today so they coulda shoot them down one by one."

"You ain't gotta worry about him gettin any bail," he said referring to the dead man.

By Paco Nunez, The Tribune
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