felon stepson

[Leatherneck]

Oh Man, vmfrantz: this is a tough one. Sounds likme you need an interim solution to ensure the lad has no access to your other weapons, and then a long-term solution to keep a healthy relationship with your wife, and maybe even with the misbehaving youth. Good luck to you.
Semper Fi

TC

 

[ilbob]

My wife said that when he gets out he cant live in the house if there are firearms in it.

Your wife shows uncommon sense. She will no doubt miss her son, but it is best for everyone if a violent criminal is not living in your home.

 

[Old Fuff]

vmfrantz:

It seems that the law is different in different places, so where you live could make a difference. In general a past-convicted felon cannot own or have access to firearms. If he/she is living in a residence where there are firearms that belong to someone else that person is responsible to see that the guns and amuunition are secured, and as a practical matter that means a "real" safe.

If this young man has been on probation in the past I suggest that you talk to his probation officer, or the probation department. They can tell you the specific requirements where you live.

It appears that the stepson is going to be behind bars until after his 18th birthday. When he gets out I would tell him that it's time he lived somewhere else other then your home. If and when he straightens out his life you, and your wife may reconsider. I suspect your wife will support your side in this, and no... it's not necessarily her fault that the boy turned out like he did.

 

[razorburn]

Its a choice between living with a young criminal who has already stolen from his stepfather and assaulted another person, or choosing not to.


Guns have nothing to do with it. The decision in front of him is whether or not to allow such a person to make his house a home.

Sure they do. They have lots to do with it. The law says he can't live in a home with guns. The guy says he won't get rid of his guns, so if that's true, the son can't live there. The mother is extremely unlikely to abandon her underage son for him, as that's one of the strongest human bonds that exist. If he has the guns, and the son cannot live in the home, then she'll almost certainly divorce him and leave with her son. Maybe she'll take half his things, so he'll lose the guns anyway. So it's either the guns or the marriage. But if he's going to be in there for 5 years, and not get out until his 20's, it may be possible that he'll move out and live on his own after he gets out.

 

[antsi]

Agree with bullfrogKen - the guns are a side issue. If someone can't be trusted with guns, they can't be trusted at all.

Sympathies for you and your wife's difficult situation. I hope you and your wife are able to have unity about the appropriate responses and management of this kid.

 

[Hobie]

I believe in VA he couldn't OWN firearms but you can. However, it is clear that your stepson has other problems which change the problem.

He is violent. He doesn't respect you or his mother. He is a danger to you and maybe to her.

If he is of an age that you must take him back into the house AND she won't back you up AND you must get rid of your guns then you have some hard decisions. Don't bluff, don't lie, don't fog the situation with personal comments. I know what I would do but I'm not you.

At the very least you do need a real safe and DON'T give your wife a key or combo. You may need to install that safe at the home of one of YOUR family members or friends. If you were my friend, I'd help and I have done exactly that.

Whatever happens, whatever you decide you AND your family are in my prayers. It certainly seems that you will need that strength.

 

[DonP]

No good answer here.

I read that differently.

Quote:

"My wife said that when he gets out he cant live in the house if there are firearms in it."

It seemed to me that the unpsoken part of that sentence was "... so you'll have to get rid of all your guns so he has a place to stay".

I could be wrong, sure wouldn't be the first time. But based on this young man's track record I'd say it isn't the first time that Mom was willing to make allowances for him.

You may have to make a choice between allowing her to enable a convicted felon again or moving on with your life. The gun issue actually plays a small role here, IMNSHO.

It's easy to say throw him out but it's a lot harder to do.

Once upon a time ... I had to throw my oldest son out of the house when he was 18 for violating the house rules, (nothing violent or criminal).

He didn't speak to me for about a year and kept trying to blame his problems on my throwing him out. The punch line is that he pulled his head out of his posterior, met a girl that didn't take excuses for failure, and today he is 34 years old, married foir 10 years with 2 kids and a good job.

He actually came to me one time a few years back and said, "you were right".

I guess I put that in here to let you know that while there are no good short term solutions to your situation, with a little luck and prayer there can be a positive outcome down the road.

In the meantime you have my best wishes and prayers.

 

[kungfuhippie]

Yes, it may not be the mother's fault, I just said it could be, it's stepdad's job to see. Kids make bad choices inspite of what they are taught, remember the prodigal son.
The simple facts/ or what I'd do;
1. get a gun safe, a very secure safe. Do it today, what if he doesn't get convicted. Hung jury, bad prosecution, "good" defense attorney.
2. get another very secure ammo storage, preferable hidden too.
3. while he's in jail (hope it's 5 years, not out in 18 mo. for "good behavior") sell all his stuff, yard sale, unless he's got a job and paid for all his belonging they're not legally his. That way there will be very little left for step 5.
4. change all the locks while he's locked up, a simple preventative measure, and consider a good alarm.
5. when he's let out all his stuff is on the driveway, boxed up, like a good parent would do. He doesn't come in the house but you can help him move.
6. Let him know that when he shows he'll be a responsible person he'll be alowed to enter your home to visit.
7. Do everything a good parent would do. Help him find a place to live, help him get a job, help him not become isolated or mixed in with the wrong people. The prison will punish him, your job will be to help rehabilitate him.
8. Don't be a fool, don't enable bad behavior, and don't believe lies.

I can't even start to understand all the heart ache your family has gone through. I hope you stepson will grow-up and become a respectable man.

 

[High Planes Drifter]

Boy does this one hit close to home. My Dad was in a very long (14yr.) relationship with a woman whose son was, lets just say not destined for greatness. This young turd did it all; steal, sell AND manufacture crack, alot of the crackheads would pay him with stolen stuff that he would in turn sell. You name it, he did it. He got one of his crack junkies pregnant, they had a son. The State took the kid away and gave it to his (the turds) mom (my Dads gf). The State would not allow for the turd to see his kid, but my Dads gf would always give in to her son and let him come over for days, even weeks at a time. Other crackheads started coming over. and dealing started going on at the womans house. Advise given to her by my Dad was seen as criticizm, which resulted in fighting. She did not want to hear the obvious from anyone else. Eventually he (the turd) was the reason my Dad and his mother broke up.

Disclaimer:This goes far deeper than guns; and I cant judge you or your wifes character over the internet.

That being said, my point and advise:
I know you may not want to hear this, but from my experience, odds are your wife is going to side with the kid. Dont let that ruin years of your life fighting and arguing. Its not healthy for you and you arent going to change her stance on it. Be prepared for your wife to want to take the young man in after he gets out of jail. Make your stand and dont waiver, even if it means splitting up.

 

[jnojr]

My stepson broke into my safe took my colt 1911 and beat the neighbor kid in the head for messing with his girlfriend. My wife said that when he gets out he cant live in the house if there are firearms in it. Does anyone know if this is so? So I told her I go where my guns go. So you have to decide what you want.

I don't understand.
Are you trying to say that his mom (your wife) is saying that he can't live there anymore period; or that he can't live there as long as you have your awful guns so you have to get rid of them so sweet little Billy can come home?

In the first case, wash your hands of him. In the second case, wash your hands of both of them.

This isn't exactly a tough one.

 

[ilbob]

I don't understand.
Are you trying to say that his mom (your wife) is saying that he can't live there anymore period; or that he can't live there as long as you have your awful guns so you have to get rid of them so sweet little Billy can come home?

In the first case, wash your hands of him. In the second case, wash your hands of both of them.

This isn't exactly a tough one.

Its an easy decision to make from afar, but not so easy if you are the one directly involved. Forcing the wife to give up her son will probably result in long term consequences. Both of their lives will be hell, if she does not come to the conclusion that the felon needs to get out.

OTOH, the kid will not change, and regardless of the gun issue, his home life will be hell if he allows the kid to come back.

Guy needs to discuss the situation with wife openly and frankly. If she cannot come to the conclusion that the kid has to go elsewhere, then guy needs to make very tough decision. Is he willing to tolerate long term pain from having felon living with him (regardless of gun issue) or does he leave wife? It is not a simple thing.

Curious how the criminal's father plays into the mix. Might be that this situation played out before and he chose to boot both of them.

 

[roo_ster]

vmfrantz:

I'm praying for you in your time of difficulty. You have no good options in front of you, just some that are less bad than others. All with consequences that will last for years.

FWIW, I will not live with a serious felon in the house, period.

My neighbor took in his worthless felon stepson & the stepson not only stole him blind, but purt near ruined his credit by stealing his credit cards & SS card. He also ruined my neighbor's truck and got my neighbor's cat killed (poor Solomon the cat ). Oh, the parties with drugs while my neighbor was out of town on business were really good for the carpet.

And the sheer laziness! Instead of using an ashtray, he would flick ashes behind the couch. When my neighbor's house was in serious need of repair, he didn't lift a finger to help.

The stepson was a slimy, chameleon-like weasel who Eddie-Haskelled up if he thought it best.

I would not let such a snake into my household, no siree Bob!

 

[Art Eatman]

1. Discuss the various issues and angles with the wife. For instance, it's not clear if she's firm about his being able to live in the house and that the guns therefore must be taken somewhere else. But, if so, that raises the issue of self-defense while at home. Another issue is his means of self-support; her attitude about him working, etc.

2. Get some legal advice from a real lawyer, not from the Internet.

We can speculate, but not really advise.

Art

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

at the risk

of ruining my reputation. i was once only slightly better than the young man mentioned. i left home at 15 as a result and while my life took some ugly terms it was for the best. tough love is hard but good and there are groups of similarly suffering parents who sopport each other as they attempt to save their own lives as well as that of their kids.its is often not the fault of the parents i was well raised by 2 parents and the best beatings the nuns and brothers could give. i was a punk by choice. my lil sis went to yale and became an attorney. i was the problem not my parents and booting me out was the first step in setting me right. i survived and got a lil better in my early 20's didn't really grow up till early 30's. best of luck to you and the wife but don't give up all hope. the only reason i wasn't quite as bad as this kid was crack wasn't here yet and we fought with our fists back then. and the irish in me liked that. still does. and forgive me for repeating this but real good parents have this kinda stuff happeb to them. i knew a 4 star admiral who had a kid like me. who thankfully also got straight. if your heaten is anywhere near va or you wanna send him out here there is a long term place i know that specializes in knocking the thug outa kids like that does a good job

 

[MachIVshooter]

Kid f*&%ed up, you didn't. Show him the door and lock it when he leaves.

If I had a kid and he stole one of my guns and assualted someone with it, he'd know better than to even make a phone call home.

 

[progunner1957]

vmfrantz,

You have to make your own decisions sir, but if it were me - I would refuse to let the stepson set foot on my property once he is out of jail.

He broke the law. He made himself into a felon. This is all on him. For his mother to say in effect, "You will have to get rid of your guns so my son can live here when he gets out of jail" is twelve ways from Tuesday wrong. If that is her position, she is defending his actions and is no better than he is. I would not want to be married to a woman like that. Nothing good can come from such a relationship, IMHO.

This is all very simple: It is about right and wrong. The stepson did wrong. The mom needs to do right.

Good luck to you, sir.

 

[Shipwreck]

The letter of the law and actual practice is two different things - quite often - if a felon on probation or parole lives in a home w/ weapons, IF the weapons are locked up in a non-common area of the home, and the felon has no key or other access (combination), that is usually good enough for a judge.

 

[Lonestar]

Again I'm shock at the hard core people on THR. We don't know how long vmfrantz raised his stepson. What if he was with him since he was an infant, and treated him like his own flesh and blood???

What if you guys who are saying "kick the Kid out" had the same problem with your own kids. Would you show your own flesh and blood the door so you can keep your guns?? If my daughter suddenly became a teenage felon, I would wheel and deal to try to keep my guns and her in the same house. If I can't, FAMILY comes first.

The Kid did something stupid. That is one thing I am going to POUND into my kids. Boyfriends and Girlfriends will come and go, DO NOT do something stupid over one. So many kids commit suicide and other violent acts over of some love that they will totally forget about a year later. The two things you need before the kid gets back is a lawyer and a good safe.

 

[LCSNM]

FWIW
Son, convicted Felon "no contest" 18 mos probation. First offense.

Collection of 18 firearms, handguns, shotguns and rifles confiscated on arrest at his home. Son had receipt on purchases from gun shops..

To my surprise, his lawyer made a request for return of confiscated property. I was asked if I would accept the firearms. Order was made for return of confiscated property with firearms to be given to Father.

DA/PD fought for destruction of firearms. Eventually, Judge made an order for DA/PD to post a bond double the amount of aleged value of firearms to assure firearms were protected , accounted for and given to Father.

Firearms were given to Father. Father was asked to sign for 13 boxes, unopened/sealed. Father objected and insisted on inventorying said firearms, than signed for them.

Conditions of probation. Son is not allowed to be on Fathers property where firearms are. Should Father visit son and have any firearm on his person or vehicle and son is riding as passenger both in violation.

Son is not authorized to leave area of two counties during probation. Father lives in a 3rd county 50 miles away.

A probation requirement of no notice search of sons property resulted in confiscation of further 'dangerous items'. ie Baseball bat, long bow, crossbow, collection of hunting knives, folders, Khukuris etc. NO KITCHEN KNIVES WERE TAKEN. HMMMM.

Return of latest confiscated items , yet to be resolved.

DA/PD tried to revoke probation due to the latest items
found, not picked up with initial confiscation. Judge denied request continued probation.

My son and I have been somewhat estranged for 10 years, seeing each other once or twice a year. Tel calls and sometimes emails were unanswered. Sometimes you don't see the problem until it smacks you in the face.

Hopefully, probation and counseling and tough love will prevail. I've tried to educate and arm myself with potential problems that may arise.

 

[raz-0]

Well, I can't tell you the right answer, but from having some serious problem siblings, I can tell you some of what my family went through.

Discipline didn't work. My old man missed the boat on that because he was basically a lazy ass parent. When my brothers' mother died, they were bascally on their own until my mom came into the situation. By that point, they were borderline, and the "poor kids, their mom's dead" attitude let them slip over the edge. ( i wasn't born yet, but this is paraphrasing from conversations with my sister and brothers).

The bad behavior ALWAYS comes back home. Always. This in the long run was what finally pushed through the idea that they just had to leave. But it had to run it's course. First it was spend money saving them, and spend more on counseling. Then it was spend money saving them, then spend money keeping them away at bording school. Then when the drugs and stealing came home more and more often, it was spend money getting them out of jail, and trying to kick them out one way or another. Finally they realized that kids or not, they had made the decison on how they were going to lead their life, and it wasn't welcome. After that, no more paying for lawyers, no more home, get out. I suspect one fo my brothers had a restrinaing order against him for some time. The other couldn't have been happier that he was on his own and wouldn't be dragged home anymore.

One's a more or less on again off again ward of the state at this point. The other is finally starting to get his act together 20 years later.

You want things for your children, but sometimes supporting their behavior isn't taking care of them in any way shape or form.

 

[BigO01]

From my experiences I would say it is time to make the hard choice of keeping your guns or ending the marriage plain and simple .

With some of the new laws being passed you were very lucky they didn't find a criminal charge for YOU because you didn't have the weapons secured to the point that a minor couldn't gain access to them .

Getting rid of the guns doesn't mean your life isn't going to be ruined by the little punk either . Using a weapon any weapon on someone for bothering his girlfriend shows a complete lack of respect for all human life , as many have said the next time it could be your head he bashes in . Or you may wind up being financial ruined in paying lawyer fees down the road .

As DonP stated it seems his mother your wife has made a clear choice that she will stick by her son no matter what he has done or will do .

I would begin making preparations to end that marriage NOW . It is better than waiting until you get hurt either by him or perhaps the slime he calls friends financially or physically .

With a kid like that if he keeps doing these kinds of things it wont be long and you'll have the cops all but camped at your door because they know him as a slime ball trouble maker .

Better to bite the bullet now than wait till it bites you again .

 

[Lonestar]

I would begin making preparations to end that marriage NOW . It is better than waiting until you get hurt either by him or perhaps the slime he calls friends financially or physically .

Look like vmfrantz said, where his guns goes, he goes, but my question is is the marriage worth breaking up. If you already have other issues, besides this kid than I'll agree to get out now. Remember if this is just about keeping guns, well you might lose half of your collection in a divorce anyway .

If you love her, but the kid is rotten, then try to work it out. The kid will probably do 5 years anyway and be an adult when he gets out. If this incident is the straw that broke the camels back, then get out quick.

 

[ilbob]

Again I'm shock at the hard core people on THR. We don't know how long vmfrantz raised his stepson. What if he was with him since he was an infant, and treated him like his own flesh and blood???

What if he did? It changes nothing if it was his own flesh and blood.

What if you guys who are saying "kick the Kid out" had the same problem with your own kids. Would you show your own flesh and blood the door so you can keep your guns?? If my daughter suddenly became a teenage felon, I would wheel and deal to try to keep my guns and her in the same house. If I can't, FAMILY comes first.

The Kid did something stupid. That is one thing I am going to POUND into my kids. Boyfriends and Girlfriends will come and go, DO NOT do something stupid over one. So many kids commit suicide and other violent acts over of some love that they will totally forget about a year later. The two things you need before the kid gets back is a lawyer and a good safe.

IMO the guns are not really an issue. A kid that breaks into a locked container, steals a gun, and then goes somewhere and uses it to beat on someone else did not do something stupid, he did something criminal. There is a huge difference. Kids that do this kind of thing cannot be trusted to not do it again. Even if the guy sold his guns, the problem with the kid remains.

There are plenty of ways to deal with the guns. The real question is are you willing to live in a home with a violent felon? This kid is likely to start beating on people closer to home. And we do not know what other family members present. What if there are other children living there? Is it right to expose them to this thug? I do not believe an adult child has any right to ruin other children in the family.

 

[vmfrantz]

I really am glad I posted this. Because I was beginning to think that I was the only person that thought my way. And the majority of you are right about the way my wife sees things. I heard her say that he shouldnt be in because of the guy and the girl being togethr when she was supposed to be dating him. At one time she even said it was my fault because I owned a pistol. I set her strait fast on that. I would have thought having them locked up was good enough. I already had all his baseball bats locked and hid in my truck because him and the other kid were going to go at each other with them the week before. My biggest complaint about her wanting him back in the house is because of my stepdaughter (16) and daughter (13). I can handle him if he dosent jump me, but they cant. And thanks again for all the replys. No, I have no charges against me. Having them locked and he admitting he stole it was a blessing. I have told everyone I know that you need to get your firearms locked up if you already dont.

 

[American By Blood]

vmfrantz-

Your wife's responsibility is to her blood. When the son is released from prison he will need a place to stay while he looks for employment, independent housing, etc. That's a mother's job and it sounds like your wife is more than happy to do it.

However, your resposibility is to your blood. You have daughters. Keeping them around a person with a track record of violence is a bad idea. You may love the wife, but your girls need to come first.