Marine Sniper Slapped With 3,000-Yard Restraining Order

['Card]

From The Onion.

Former Marine Sniper Slapped With 3,000-Yard Restraining Order
MACON, GA—Citing Emily Holman's right to feel safe traversing vast open spaces, especially when within visual range of clock towers, parking structures, and tall buildings, a judge awarded the 28-year-old a 3,000-yard restraining order yesterday against her former boyfriend, retired Marine sniper Gordon Lee Blackwood. "When we broke up he started calling me 10 times a day from his job," said Holman, who realized Blackwood's office building, which had an open, flat roof, was only 1,800 yards away. "He had me flinching every time I saw sunlight glinting off any surface within two and a half miles." Blackwood would not comment on the judge's decision, saying only that he still loved Holman and was trying to understand the distance and crosswinds that separated them.

(If you're not an Onion reader, it's satire)

 

[Sergeant Sabre]

he still loved Holman and was trying to understand the distance and crosswinds that separated them.

I love it!!

 

[ArfinGreebly]

Let's see . . .

Hmmm, 3,000 yards . . . 5,280 feet/mile . . . carry the '1' . . .

That's 1 and 2/3 miles!

Hell, while we're at it, he could be using a .50 BMG and a 400x scope! Better make that 5 miles!

 

[progunner1957]

The good judge had better make it 101 miles just to be safe - the ex boyfriend/Marine sniper might have an "assault weapon" which everyone knows can hit a dime at 100 miles...

 

[default]

The Onion occasionally has fairly sophisticated gun humor. For example, read this, especially the last 2 paragraphs. I believe the first time I saw this, years ago, I didn't believe there was such a caliber as 10mm, and that the writers had made it up for comic effect.

 

[Wes Janson]

Absolutely awesome. Comedy gold.

 

[psyopspec]

I just wanted to be the first to say that the serious responses to the OP by less careful readers are going to be hilarious.

 

[KC&97TA]

The 10mm Colt sidearm might not be an ideal long-distance weapon, and it's certainly no sniper's rifle, but it has the advantages of low weight and quicker target acquisition. You can reliably engage aggressors at ranges of 30 meters and more. Use a two-handed grip and brace the barrel against a tree, or use your dive tanks and rebreather as an improvised bench rest. Don't worry about "stopping power": One of those 10mm slugs opens up to about 70 caliber when it hits, leaving an exit wound you could toss a cat through, and bringing so much energy to a target that a hit in the extremities is often enough to drop Ivan in his tracks.

so a 10mm mushrooms out to 7/10" when it impacts? from 4/10 to 7/10, that's about normal for a hollow point? But a hole big enough to toss a cat through... maybe a Hampster... not a Cat.

Everyone knows the only caliber to drop Ivan in his tracks is the .45acp

 

[High Planes Drifter]

quote:
But a hole big enough to toss a cat through... maybe a Hampster... not a Cat.
-------------------

Maybe they were talking about one of those little Mexican hairless cats????

 

['Card]

Well, in my opinion 'Violence Against Women Linked To Burned Pot Roasts' is probably the funniest Onion article ever, but this list of safety tips is pretty high on the list. (and it's gun-related)

Firearm-Safety Tips
- Instill in your children a healthy fear of guns by drunkenly waving one in their faces whenever you've had a few too many.
- If you shoot yourself in the foot, immediately contact a therapist to help you confront your fear of success.
- Dismantle your gun and melt it into a plowshare.
- Have spouse and children wear blaze orange and shout, "Family coming through!" when moving from room to room in your home.
- Unload gun each night by firing into ceiling, counting each bullet in screamed German.
- Store your gun at least four feet from your liquor cabinet.
- Never let your child play with a gun that is loaded.
- Stress to your children that guns are only for shooting bad people. Make sure they know the difference between good and bad people by having them name examples of each from their daily lives.
- Boil your bullets to prevent transmitting germs to people you shoot.
- Never use a firearm to settle a poker dispute, unless it's the absolute last option.
- Shoot a puppy at point-blank range to illustrate to your children the seriousness of guns.
- When preparing to pistol-whip someone, make sure the safety is on.
- Don't leave bullets on the floor where you can slip on them. That's the real killer.

 

[Manedwolf]

- Don't leave bullets on the floor where you can slip on them. That's the real killer.

Hey now, I've actually SEEN that, someone doing the "22lr interpretive dance with profanity" on cases after a session at a concrete-floor range.

 

[Just_a_dude_with_a_gun]

Might be a little scary for her to pick up her phone and hear him on the other end...

"Be not that far from me, for trouble is near; haste Thee to help me.
Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight.

My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who subdueth my people under me.

O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me."

 

[Double Naught Spy]

3000 is a good distance, some 600 yards beyond the record 2400 yard Canadian sniper shot in Afghanistan.

 

[Psssniper]

then theres always this one

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28562

 

[NateG]

Well, in my opinion 'Violence Against Women Linked To Burned Pot Roasts' is probably the funniest Onion article ever, but this list of safety tips is pretty high on the list. (and it's gun-related)

Good ones, but the all time best has got to be: Clinton to Deploy Vowels to Bosnia

 

[XDKingslayer]

- Unload gun each night by firing into ceiling, counting each bullet in screamed German.

I LOVE IT!

 

[MatthewVanitas]

Nobody's mentioned this one on this thread? For shame!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28181

Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool

With the best single line being:

The pacifist added that he would be willing to meet with any interested owners of Barrett rifles in order to "open a dialogue."

This gets my vote for Best Gun-Related Onion. At the UT campus range, we've had folks with dreadlocks who literally smelled like patchouli come in, and they had a great time shooting. Thus I find this article pretty plausible.

-MV

 

[default]

Good catch, MatthewVanitas! I don't remember that one.

"...And thanks to its ingenious dual-chamber muzzle brake, gases are vented away, and the user feels no more recoil than you get with a 12-gauge shotgun. Not that anyone should know what the recoil feels like on any gun."

"It might be a triumph of ballistic engineering, but that should in no way obscure the fact that this is a tool for murder."

"Plus, it failed some of the Navy's field tests for reliability and accuracy," Shorter added. "The extractors kept breaking, I seem to recall."

Chuckle...

 

['Card]

Of course, no discussion of all-time classic Onion articles would be complete without mentioning the utterly reprehensible (and hilarious) Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq.

At a Pentagon press conference, Secretary of Defense William Cohen expressed confidence that the mission will be successful. "I have full faith that our troops will do a terrific job in Iraq," Cohen said, "but even if they make a few mistakes, we'll still be very, very proud of them."

 

[Gunpacker]

I suppose the sniper could request a GPS on her so that he could know where she is so as to be able to stay that far away.

 

[Double Naught Spy]

...but that would give him an unfair stalking advantage, no?

 

[Wes Janson]

Each soldier was then issued an AR-15 rifle, three clips of NATO 7.62 mm rounds, a combat helmet with a velcro safety-strap, and a fanny pack with his name written on it in black magic marker.

Considering that The Onion has gotten almost every other gun-related fact more or less correct, I have to wonder if that wasn't a deeply buried joke that only a gunner or former serviceman would get

It's not gun-related, but I still think this is the all-time best Onion article, period:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33568

I, Rowboat