Drizzt
Member
Copyright 2002 The Baltimore Sun Company
All Rights Reserved
The Baltimore Sun
December 22, 2002 Sunday FINAL Edition
SECTION: PERSPECTIVE, Pg. 3F
LENGTH: 770 words
HEADLINE: Saddam could use NRA on his side;
Iraq: Might a membership fee guarantee peace through a well-armed, well-heeled friend within Fortress America?
BYLINE: Dan Fesperman
SOURCE: SUN STAFF
BODY:
Relax, Saddam Hussein.
Better call home the troops, President Bush.
Peace in Iraq is at hand, and here's the solution: Saddam Hussein must join the National Rifle Association.
Once he's a card-carrying member, no one in the Bush administration will dare disarm him, and anyone who tries will be deemed a terrorist threat by Attorney General John Ashcroft, who will lock up the offender for an indefinite period on vague charges after a showy news conference. There are a few extra conditions, of course. One is that Hussein must agree to plaster NRA bumper stickers on his entire fleet of armored personal security vehicles. Available options include some of the NRA's greatest hits, with slight variations:
"If Weapons of Mass Destruction Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
"Nukes Don't Kill, People Do"
"Protected by Smith & Wesson & Enriched Uranium"
"I'll Give Up My Ballistic Missile When They Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands"
(However, Iraqi citizens who display the sticker, "Charlton Heston Is My President," will be shot on sight.)
Under the prevailing NRA philosophy that no amount of weapons is too many, Hussein's membership will also entitle him to resume full production of tanks, but only if they are henceforth classified as "Light Trucks" under U.S. DOT specifications applicable to SUVs. The resulting loss in fuel economy will deplete Iraq's oil surplus, thus rendering moot any question about continued sanctions against Iraqi oil exports.
The usual anti-gun liberals will doubtless carp and complain. Let them.
And if the press starts whining, Hussein can follow the media advice offered on the NRA Web site: "Remember, don't limit yourself to only letters of complaint. Many radio talk shows are sympathetic to the rights of law-abiding gun owners. A friendly letter of thanks simply needs to mention that you found the show lively, entertaining, and informative. Mention that you listen often and hope that they will continue broadcasting similar programs."
Saddam Hussein, meet Rush Limbaugh, your new comrade in arms.
One potential complication is the U.N. weapons inspection regime. Having gone to such trouble to send in the inspectors , it will never do to simply recall them. So, the NRA will fortify Hussein with the same arguments that have long been effective against gun control in the United States. The following hypothetical scenario offers several examples:
Hans Blix: "Mr. President-for-Life, we've discovered a hydrogen bomb in the mud room of Palace No. 4.
Saddam: "Well, of course. I'm a collector. And it's a vintage model, totally obsolete since Nagasaki."
Blix: "But what about these warheads with poison gas, and all the bioweapons? Surely no one collects them."
Hussein: "You can't regulate my choice of ammunition. You're just like those people who wanted to outlaw 'cop killer' bullets."
Blix: "We've also found a storehouse of intercontinental ballistic missiles, each with a range of a thousand miles."
Hussein: "Have you ever tried to hunt the wild desert fox of the Negev from a living room in Baghdad? My shotgun doesn't have the range, and I use my pistol exclusively for executing Cabinet members. It's missiles or nothing when it comes to hunting."
Blix: "But if you miss the fox, you could hit Tel Aviv."
Hussein: "And this is my fault? I've applied to Sharon for both a visa and a hunting license, and he has given me neither. Iraqi hunting regulations allow me to shoot at any game within range, so I have to be ready to fire at all times. Why do you think I'm wearing this stupid camouflage uniform."
And so on.
If Hussein still meets resistance he can seek help from the ultimate arbiter on all things locked and loaded, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne R. LaPierre, who seems to share Hussein's loathing of bullying American enforcement tactics. Hussein should skim the six-page NRA fund-raising letter LaPierre wrote in 1995, when he railed that gun control "gives jack-booted government thugs more power to ... break in our doors, seize our guns, destroy our property, and even injure or kill us."
At the time, even a few NRA members thought the language was a bit extreme. One of them, George Herbert Walker Bush, resigned in protest. Presumably he favored "regime change."
Yet, LaPierre remains in power. So does Hussein. And with NRA logic on their side, who in the current Bush administration could possibly want to lay a hand on either of them?
Dan Fesperman is a reporter for The Sun on leave to write his second book. His first, a novel, Lie in the Dark, was published in 1999.
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What color is the sky in this fellow's world?
All Rights Reserved
The Baltimore Sun
December 22, 2002 Sunday FINAL Edition
SECTION: PERSPECTIVE, Pg. 3F
LENGTH: 770 words
HEADLINE: Saddam could use NRA on his side;
Iraq: Might a membership fee guarantee peace through a well-armed, well-heeled friend within Fortress America?
BYLINE: Dan Fesperman
SOURCE: SUN STAFF
BODY:
Relax, Saddam Hussein.
Better call home the troops, President Bush.
Peace in Iraq is at hand, and here's the solution: Saddam Hussein must join the National Rifle Association.
Once he's a card-carrying member, no one in the Bush administration will dare disarm him, and anyone who tries will be deemed a terrorist threat by Attorney General John Ashcroft, who will lock up the offender for an indefinite period on vague charges after a showy news conference. There are a few extra conditions, of course. One is that Hussein must agree to plaster NRA bumper stickers on his entire fleet of armored personal security vehicles. Available options include some of the NRA's greatest hits, with slight variations:
"If Weapons of Mass Destruction Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
"Nukes Don't Kill, People Do"
"Protected by Smith & Wesson & Enriched Uranium"
"I'll Give Up My Ballistic Missile When They Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands"
(However, Iraqi citizens who display the sticker, "Charlton Heston Is My President," will be shot on sight.)
Under the prevailing NRA philosophy that no amount of weapons is too many, Hussein's membership will also entitle him to resume full production of tanks, but only if they are henceforth classified as "Light Trucks" under U.S. DOT specifications applicable to SUVs. The resulting loss in fuel economy will deplete Iraq's oil surplus, thus rendering moot any question about continued sanctions against Iraqi oil exports.
The usual anti-gun liberals will doubtless carp and complain. Let them.
And if the press starts whining, Hussein can follow the media advice offered on the NRA Web site: "Remember, don't limit yourself to only letters of complaint. Many radio talk shows are sympathetic to the rights of law-abiding gun owners. A friendly letter of thanks simply needs to mention that you found the show lively, entertaining, and informative. Mention that you listen often and hope that they will continue broadcasting similar programs."
Saddam Hussein, meet Rush Limbaugh, your new comrade in arms.
One potential complication is the U.N. weapons inspection regime. Having gone to such trouble to send in the inspectors , it will never do to simply recall them. So, the NRA will fortify Hussein with the same arguments that have long been effective against gun control in the United States. The following hypothetical scenario offers several examples:
Hans Blix: "Mr. President-for-Life, we've discovered a hydrogen bomb in the mud room of Palace No. 4.
Saddam: "Well, of course. I'm a collector. And it's a vintage model, totally obsolete since Nagasaki."
Blix: "But what about these warheads with poison gas, and all the bioweapons? Surely no one collects them."
Hussein: "You can't regulate my choice of ammunition. You're just like those people who wanted to outlaw 'cop killer' bullets."
Blix: "We've also found a storehouse of intercontinental ballistic missiles, each with a range of a thousand miles."
Hussein: "Have you ever tried to hunt the wild desert fox of the Negev from a living room in Baghdad? My shotgun doesn't have the range, and I use my pistol exclusively for executing Cabinet members. It's missiles or nothing when it comes to hunting."
Blix: "But if you miss the fox, you could hit Tel Aviv."
Hussein: "And this is my fault? I've applied to Sharon for both a visa and a hunting license, and he has given me neither. Iraqi hunting regulations allow me to shoot at any game within range, so I have to be ready to fire at all times. Why do you think I'm wearing this stupid camouflage uniform."
And so on.
If Hussein still meets resistance he can seek help from the ultimate arbiter on all things locked and loaded, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne R. LaPierre, who seems to share Hussein's loathing of bullying American enforcement tactics. Hussein should skim the six-page NRA fund-raising letter LaPierre wrote in 1995, when he railed that gun control "gives jack-booted government thugs more power to ... break in our doors, seize our guns, destroy our property, and even injure or kill us."
At the time, even a few NRA members thought the language was a bit extreme. One of them, George Herbert Walker Bush, resigned in protest. Presumably he favored "regime change."
Yet, LaPierre remains in power. So does Hussein. And with NRA logic on their side, who in the current Bush administration could possibly want to lay a hand on either of them?
Dan Fesperman is a reporter for The Sun on leave to write his second book. His first, a novel, Lie in the Dark, was published in 1999.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What color is the sky in this fellow's world?
I suppose I'm a raciast as well since I'm from the South.
