Old jokes... yes this is gun related...

[Packman]

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the
village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen." said theFBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

 

[Packman]

How many gun control advocates does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just pass a law against burned out bulbs and then walk away wondering how come it’s still dark.

 

[Packman]

I think I saw this on THR somewhere, if it's yours, speak up!

"Of course my AR is compensating for something...although my penis is rather large, it still can't shoot a 62gr FMJ at 2900 feet per sec."

 

[Shanghai McCoy]

I was in the Navy back in the early 70's and stationed on a sub tender for awhile. The ship went out for a quarterly "cruise" and they decided to shoot the forward 3" 50 gun. After the first shot a great hue and cry came from the Chief's mess below. It would seem that the overhead acoustic ceiling all came down when the gun fired...

 

[Wes Janson]

hit the triggers and BBBBBRRRRRAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP! SWEET BABY JESUS WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!? And I had a pile of about 20 casings underneath me.

The cyclic rate of the M2 is 550 rounds per minute. This thing according to the quick math in my head just belched out 20 rounds at about 2000 rounds per minute.

The first thing that entered my head was that I messed up the headspace and timing, but that shouldn't make the M2 run at 2000 rpm. So I unloaded the gun, and double checked the headspace and timing. It's was spot on. I loaded up again and noticed I had a crowd around me. Everyone was wondering what just happened so I yelled fire in the hole and hit the triggers.

BBBBBRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP! This time, 32 rounds sitting on the gound. Everyone around me and the gun jumped. A few other the other Sgts hit the ground because they knew the same thing I did, the M2 can't take that kind of cyclic rate.

All I did was look at the guys from FN and they said that something definately wasn't right with the barrel and that they'd have to take it back and work on it.

The Lt. Col., who's a master of the english language says to everyone. "I have to go to the bathroom. I don't know if I have to wipe my butt or masterbate, but I definately have to go to the bathroom!"

What was the weight of the new barrel roughly? Was that all they swapped out? The AN/M2 / M3s run at significantly higher rates than an M2HB; I want to say I've heard of some hitting over 1000 rpm, although I don't remember for certain offhand. My understanding is that if you're cycling too fast off of a standard M2HB backplate, you run a tangible risk of blowing the backplate and bolt off into one's own soft squishy parts.

 

[Avenger]

My grandfather on my mother's side was an ambulance driver for a MASH unit in Korea during 51 and 52. He drove between the aid station and the MASH proper, bringing wounded troops in. Sometimes he would drive to the front directly for pick-ups.
The thing was, every time he got in a truck or jeep, it would become magically magnetic to every Chi-com in the area. He'd come back with a truck with 25-30 bullet holes in just about every run, sometimes many more. He has a picture with him standing beside one of his trucks, there are about a dozen bullet holes in just the hood and door.
But every orderly loved when he drove, because NOBODY got hurt in his trucks. Grandpa never once even got scratched by all those bullets, never had anybody else in his truck hit, and none of the wounded in back ever had things get worse for them. The motor pool mechanics weren't fond of him though.
The funny thing is that he went through almost his entire deployment without ever once getting hurt in any way. Not a scratch, not a bruise, not a single wound. UNTIL.....the day before he was supposed to go home, he parked his truck, stepped out, and discovered a rake lying in the grass, and discovered it the hard way. The handle rose up, and caught him across the forehead, leaving a bruise. The CO was walking by, and came over to see what happened. The CO takes a look at the rake, and gets a funny look on his face.
When Grandpa got home, he discovered he'd been put in for a Purple Heart. The rake was Korean.....

 

[Working Man]

With everyone's permission I would like to compile the stories, jokes, and situations
into a book that might be published.

I'm thinking of the title being "Wisdom and whimsy, stories of our fighting men and women"

Pm me any non-High Road stories or if too long to be PMed, PM me and I'll give you my e-mail.
If we could have who said what, location/conflict and date that would be great.

I won't compile anything without the ok from those that have already posted.

Let me know what you think.

Again, my much understated and humble thanks to all who served.

 

[btg3]

Great idea. Giving credits may also be appropriate and give further remembrance to those who have served. This would also be of interest to young folks considering a military future or just studying military life, so I would suggest that some stories be excldued or cleaned up for consumption by all, if that is your intention.

 

[Lifesaver50]

"BBBBBRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP! This time, 32 rounds sitting on the gound. Everyone around me and the gun jumped. A few other the other Sgts hit the ground because they knew the same thing I did, the M2 can't take that kind of cyclic rate.

All I did was look at the guys from FN and they said that something definately wasn't right with the barrel and that they'd have to take it back and work on it.

The Lt. Col., who's a master of the english language says to everyone. "I have to go to the bathroom. I don't know if I have to wipe my butt or masterbate, but I definately have to go to the bathroom!""

This one had my eyes watering. That is too funny.

 

[mekender]

my grandfather was USAF postal division in Korea... some of the old family photos have him and his buddies standing by their unit sign which read "the best damn postal division in the whole damn country"... of course it was the only postal division in Korea at the time, so it was true...


and a good buddy of mine went into the army a few years back as a helocopter mechanic... got stationed at some s**thole camp in korea... apparently, they used to use the base arty as alarm clocks... they had to test fire the arty every morning to make sure that the overnight temps hadnt frozen the mechanisms... so at 0545 every morning, all of the base guns would send a volley into the side of the mountain... they called it "waking up the natives"

later, his unit gets rotated home, but he gets a promotion... he gets to be one of the VIP drivers for the base... so here he is, a helo mechanic, driving generals around all day... tough job eh?... so it finally gets time for him to come back stateside... and the army in its infinite wisdom, attaches him to an arty group to get him back stateside...

en route to the US, the arty group gets rerouted to support the march 03 invasion of iraq... so 6 weeks later, here he is, a helo mechanic attached to an arty brigade in the middle of bhagdad with nothing to do... i swear i talked to him more on aol instant messenger during that summer than i ever have since ive known him... f**ker brought back like 2 full sets of iraqi kevlar, and a slew of pirated DVDs... he might as well had taken a paid vacation, cus he didnt do anything for the whole time he was in iraq... oh, and he got combat pay for operating in a combat zone

 

[Packman]

Anything I put in you can reproduce. None of it is mine, and I don't know the original authors. most of it came through forwarded emails.

 

[easyg]

There we were....surrounded and out-numbered....easily ten-to-one.

And I'm not just talking about your average run-of-the-mill poorly trained conscript....I'm talking about highly trained elite spec-op killing machines!

Within just minutes we were up to our ankles in blood and guts....bodies and carnage as far as the eye could see.









Afterwards, we all agreed.....

That was the WORSE BAR WE HAD EVER BEEN IN!

 

[easyg]

Three old veterans were playing poker when the 1st one says to the others "I've never told you guys this, but I killed 20 men during the war. I was a Marine sniper".

After a while the 2nd one spoke "Well, I've never told you guys this, but I killed 40 men during the war. I was a Navy SEAL".

After a while the 3rd one spoke "Well, I've never told you guys this, but I killed 200 men during the war. I was an Army cook!".

 

[XDKingslayer]

What was the weight of the new barrel roughly? Was that all they swapped out? The AN/M2 / M3s run at significantly higher rates than an M2HB; I want to say I've heard of some hitting over 1000 rpm, although I don't remember for certain offhand. My understanding is that if you're cycling too fast off of a standard M2HB backplate, you run a tangible risk of blowing the backplate and bolt off into one's own soft squishy parts.

Yep, that was all they swapped out. The rest of the M2 was the weapon from my vehicle that I drew from the armory earlier that morning.

The barrel wasn't noticeable heavier than a regular M2 barrel. From what I remember it was created form a normal M2 barrel, is was welded shut and reworked with special gas ports to make the weapon cycle. The only discernable difference between a normal M2 barrel and this one was that it was powdercoated flat yellow.

Yes, you do do risk blowing the backplate off and the entire bolt group out into whomever is shooting it.

 

[XDKingslayer]

With everyone's permission I would like to compile the stories, jokes, and situations
into a book that might be published.

Works for me. I can probably think up a few more that aren't gun related. 8 years in the Marines is a lifetime of humor, believe me...

 

[Cliff47]

During the better part of 1969 I was stationed at Long Binh, and had pulled the First Sergeant's work detail (didn't do anything wrong, my name came up).
About half-way through the morning the Supply Sergeant drives off with part of the work detail in a deuce-and-a-half. The plan was to pick up things at the QM Laundry and a commissary for the weekend company party.

When the Supply Sergeant returns, the part of the work detail that went with him told us the greatest tale about pulling into the QM compound and finding themselves in the middle of a fire-fight. The proof were clean sheets that had .30 caliber holes in them. They never did make it to the commissary.

 

[Archie]

Can I interject a lawman sort of joke?

There's a liquor store in the rough section of [insert name of town]. Such a rough section in fact that being robbed in on the weekly schedule.

One such instance of robbery night finds the clerk at the cash register when a large and ugly gentleman with a sour disposition and a five foot long 2x4 enters the store.

"Give me all your money." The robber demands.

The clerk looks at him and laughs out loud.

"Get out of here with that piece of wood, you moron!" the clerk replies.

The robber somewhat casually swings the 2x4 in a horizontal motion, hitting the clerk on the left side of the head, causing said clerk to cartwheel down the aisle behind the cash register and counter. The villian then jumps behind the counter, beats the clerk down to one end of the store, then reverses and beats him back to the other end of the store.

The clerk finally yells, "Okay, I'll give you the money!" He crawls over to the register, opens it and gives the proceeds to the robber.

The robber takes the money, rests the 2x4 against his shoulder, pockets the money and walks toward the door, whistling a cheery tune.

The clerk yells at the villain one last time.

"Hey", he says, "First thing you do is buy a gun with that money. You're going to kill someone with that club!"

 

[silverlance]

"Honestly Cpl. Wills, I thought I had blew my brains out!"

ROFLPO

 

[230RN]

True Story

I'm reminded of the time, a little after my Pop died, that my mother gave me the Family Bullet.

This was a .30-40 Krag that my grandpappy came out of the Spanish-American war with. He had done some deeds of derring-do, and this was the last cartridge he had, when all of a sudden the rest of the troop arrived and saved his life.

He always considered it the lucky Family Bullet, and passed it on to his son, my Pop.

My Mom, as she gave it to me, told me to keep the Family Bullet with me at all times, and I dutifully kept it in my breast pocket always.

So one day I was walking by the Statler Hotel in NYC and heard a commotion, and saw everybody pointing up at something above me. There was a lunatic up on the fifth floor hollering and screaming and he finally hurled the Hotel's Gideon Bible down to the street.

While I was looking up, the Bible hit me right in the chest, and if it weren't for being stopped by the Family Bullet, that Bible would have gone right through to my heart and killed me.

True story. Every word.

 

[doc2rn]

All the best stories I have ever heard start with one night down at the pub in Jacksonville.

 

[Working Man]

Works for me. I can probably think up a few more that aren't gun related. 8 years in the Marines is a lifetime of humor, believe me...

XDKingslayer, I'll take it. There is a lot of sides to our fighting guys
and gals. I think the laughs and smiles, the family and relations that are made
get over looked a lot. I want people to see those sides.

 

[U.S.SFC_RET]

The clerk was just following orders.

When I was stationed at Ft Bliss I went to Sick Call.
When you traditionally go to sick call you report to the TMC "band aid station"
I went in and proceeded to the desk to sign in. The E-3 clerk said I couldn't sign in and because they instituted a new policy You had to call for an appointment.
I asked her where the nearest telephone was because I wasn't going back to the barracks and I didn't want to waste time. She replied, "over there" so fifteen feet away I made an appointment while waving at her at the same time.