Gun-related jokes?

[cls12vg30]

I read this joke today and figured I'd start this thread. Anyone else got any?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven...)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and Two .38's!"

 

[Jim K]

When GCA 68 was passed, the Massachusetts Historical Society forgot to register the big guns of the USS Massachusetts, which is anchored in Boston harbor.

The joke was going around that the head of ATTD told one of his agents to go to Boston and confiscate nine 16" rifles and a whole bunch of 5" 38's and bring them back in the government car.

Jim

 

[itgoesboom]

I always thought that .25acp was a joke.

I.G.B.

 

[svtruth]

Mass

Isn't USS Massachusets in Battleship Cove in Fall River?

 

[waktasz]

 

[Standing Wolf]

I've heard Colt has become the joke of the firearms industry.

 

[Atticus]

My old standby-

Woman walks up to KGB agent and asks, " Is that gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" Loud noise...woman falls dead....was gun.

 

[hrb02]

Oldie but goodie:

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"

 

[logical]

How can you spot a guy wearing an ankle holster?

He's the one with the bullet hole in the top of his head.

 

[Crosshair]

A man walks into a gun store and asks the clerk for some 30-30 shells that would be good for bear hunting. The clerk hands the man the best 30-30 shells and what looks like a long condom.

Man: What is this condom for??
Clerk: You said you where going bear hunting with a 30-30, right?
Man: Yes I was planing to.
Clerk: Well those are the best 30-30 shells made and that condom is to put over the gun so it doesn't hurt so much when the bear shoves it up you're .
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A 9mm is basicly a 45 set to stun.
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Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
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The Difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two
small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are
an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the
man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would
inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What
about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I
carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to
society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing
me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to
wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get
away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a
conclusion.
_________________________________________________________

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

__________________________________________________________________

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds
of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids
think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....
(sounds of reloading).

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
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[iamkris]

Dianne Feinstein, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Brady, 48% of the Congress, Schmuck Schumer, Ted Kennedy are all in a bus and plunge off the edge of a bridge and land at the bottom of the canyon in a firey ball of flame...

That's it.

Oh, wait, you said **joke** not **wish**

 

[patentmike]

12 shooter

 

[mfree]

I can't rememebr the rest of it, maybe someone will fill me in

"Is gun!... of course is dangerous!"

 

[pyrguy]

The only thing close I can come up with is:

Russian Sniper Instructor giving a class to prospective snipers.

“I am required to give safety lecture. Start lecture. This is gun. Gun dangerous. End lecture.â€

 

[SLCDave]

A DEA agent pulls his service weapon out in front of a group of students, and says in a loud voice, "I'm the only one in this room professional enough to carry a Glock 40"...

<BANG>

"Is every one ok?"

 

[DSRUPTV]

Dave you just beat me to it!!!