Stupidest Criminal...
- Thread starter matt81
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jnojr
Member
Because they admitted it, in a non-coerced statement. With no grounds to chuck the admission, their statement is pretty good evidence all by itself.
I've heard frequently that an awful lot of criminals hang themselves by talking to the police. If they'd just forget their English except for the word "attorney", a lot of these dopes would probably walk free.
David Scott
Member
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A while back, down near Tampa, there was a kid who ripped a purse off a woman's arm. As a Certified Stupid Criminal (tm), he of course had an escape plan. He jumped into a car that was stopped at a light and said, "Get me out of here, man!" to the nice police officer behind the wheel.
Doug Add
Member
I heard this one on the radio a few years ago. Young fellow decides to rob the local convenience store, but in an attempt to look like a customer he grabs a six pack. Placing the beer on the counter, he tells the clerk this is a robbery.
She responds, "I can give you the cash in the drawer, but to let you have that beer I need to see some ID." The genius shows it to her.
Suprise, surprise, the police show up at his door shortly thereafter!
She responds, "I can give you the cash in the drawer, but to let you have that beer I need to see some ID." The genius shows it to her.
Suprise, surprise, the police show up at his door shortly thereafter!
shooterIII
Member
Just happened today.
MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - A naked man was bit in the genitals by a police dog while being arrested for running nude and entering homes in a Minneapolis neighborhood.
The man was taken to the hospital for treatment of his injuries.
According to police reports, a police canine unit found the nude suspect shortly after noon Tuesday in a house on the 5400 block of Park Avenue South.
While the officer was ordering the suspect out of the house, the suspect began hitting him, police said.
The dog, which was still leashed, bit the suspect to protect the officer.
Officer Ron Reier, a department spokesman, said police dogs are trained to bite if their partner is attacked. However, dogs are not trained to bite in the groin area. Reier said the dog likely just jumped and bit the man, who was moving around at the time.
"The dog did what the dog is trained to do, and that is protect his handler," Reier said.
After the man was bit, he continued to attack officers and police used a stun gun before eventually restraining him, police said.
The dog was removed from street duty while the incident is being reviewed, and the suspect is in police custody, Reier said.
MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - A naked man was bit in the genitals by a police dog while being arrested for running nude and entering homes in a Minneapolis neighborhood.
The man was taken to the hospital for treatment of his injuries.
According to police reports, a police canine unit found the nude suspect shortly after noon Tuesday in a house on the 5400 block of Park Avenue South.
While the officer was ordering the suspect out of the house, the suspect began hitting him, police said.
The dog, which was still leashed, bit the suspect to protect the officer.
Officer Ron Reier, a department spokesman, said police dogs are trained to bite if their partner is attacked. However, dogs are not trained to bite in the groin area. Reier said the dog likely just jumped and bit the man, who was moving around at the time.
"The dog did what the dog is trained to do, and that is protect his handler," Reier said.
After the man was bit, he continued to attack officers and police used a stun gun before eventually restraining him, police said.
The dog was removed from street duty while the incident is being reviewed, and the suspect is in police custody, Reier said.
Ivy Mike
Member
Great stories!
One night, a thief decided to break in to an elderly mans home. The thief was busy searching the house when the old man surprised him. Well, the thief got away with his loot. The loot included an M1911 from WWII as well as ammo of the same vintage.
Later on the crook decided to try and rob a liquor store. He goes in with gun brandished and demands money. For some reason, the thief pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. The bad guy turns the gun and looks down the barrell...right before the primer finished its burn and lit the powder.
Police checked the serial number and returned the gun, minus the 50 year old ammo, to its rightful owner.
I believe this one eventually won a Darwin award.
One night, a thief decided to break in to an elderly mans home. The thief was busy searching the house when the old man surprised him. Well, the thief got away with his loot. The loot included an M1911 from WWII as well as ammo of the same vintage.
Later on the crook decided to try and rob a liquor store. He goes in with gun brandished and demands money. For some reason, the thief pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. The bad guy turns the gun and looks down the barrell...right before the primer finished its burn and lit the powder.
Police checked the serial number and returned the gun, minus the 50 year old ammo, to its rightful owner.
I believe this one eventually won a Darwin award.
DRZinn
Member
Now that one is beautiful!
SMMAssociates
Member
Darwin was an optimist.
Just happened to think.... The Roman Army was so big that if an AD was possible with a gladius, we probably wouldn't be here....
OK, another story.... Not quite Darwin, but.... And it happened long enough ago that everybody involved is deceased, moved away, or in the Witness Protection Program. (Or me, but I'm just the scribe....)
A City PD kid was sitting at the base of a fairly steep hill near end-of-watch one night and observes an ancient Oldsmobile putting up the hill at about 5mph with very loud mufflers. Being in a good mood (well, not wanting to write a citation so close to quitting time), the Officer ignored the old car.
Several days later, same time, same Officer, same car. "What the heck, it's too late...."
About a week later, same thing.... This time the kid decides that the driver has definitely ignored the noise, and probably needs a little pep talk. Off he goes with the pretty blinky lights on.... Ever see a 5mph chase? "Dispatch - I'm stopping him at 5th and Main. Make that Sixth and Main. Make that Seventh...."
Eventually the car stops and the Officer walks up to the door. The driver is kind of fumbling around, so my friend opens the door. The driver then falls out onto the street, drunk as a Lord.... "Let me see your license, please?" "Can't, Officer. The Judge took it off me for drunk driving months ago...."
Thirty-five years ago you could tell this story without a half-dozen lawyers showing up in your office the next morning. The liability issues today are frightening. Then, however, it was hilarious.
For those of you who wondered why they taught you to count to ten or whatever when the gun doesn't go bang....
Just happened to think.... The Roman Army was so big that if an AD was possible with a gladius, we probably wouldn't be here....
OK, another story.... Not quite Darwin, but.... And it happened long enough ago that everybody involved is deceased, moved away, or in the Witness Protection Program. (Or me, but I'm just the scribe....)
A City PD kid was sitting at the base of a fairly steep hill near end-of-watch one night and observes an ancient Oldsmobile putting up the hill at about 5mph with very loud mufflers. Being in a good mood (well, not wanting to write a citation so close to quitting time), the Officer ignored the old car.
Several days later, same time, same Officer, same car. "What the heck, it's too late...."
About a week later, same thing.... This time the kid decides that the driver has definitely ignored the noise, and probably needs a little pep talk. Off he goes with the pretty blinky lights on.... Ever see a 5mph chase? "Dispatch - I'm stopping him at 5th and Main. Make that Sixth and Main. Make that Seventh...."
Eventually the car stops and the Officer walks up to the door. The driver is kind of fumbling around, so my friend opens the door. The driver then falls out onto the street, drunk as a Lord.... "Let me see your license, please?" "Can't, Officer. The Judge took it off me for drunk driving months ago...."
Thirty-five years ago you could tell this story without a half-dozen lawyers showing up in your office the next morning. The liability issues today are frightening. Then, however, it was hilarious.
Art Eatman
Moderator In Memoriam
Equal Time for the Opposition
Short version:
A Little Old Lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Cop: I need to see your driver's license and vehicle registration, please.
LOL: I lost my driver's license four years ago for drunk driving, and I stole this car. I murdered the driver and he's all chopped up, in the trunk.
The cop backs away from her, and calls for backup. Several cruisers arrive, and a supervisor questions further:
Supe: Ma'am, the officer said you don't have a driver's license or vehicle registration.
LOL: Oh, no; here they are.
Supe: Uh, could you open your trunk, please?
LOL: Sure! (She does, and it's as pristine as the day it left the showroom.)
Supe: Ma'am, the officer said you'd lost your license for drunk driving; that you'd stolen this car, and you'd murdered the owner and cut him up and had him in the trunk.
LOL: I'll bet that liar said I was speeding, too.
-- 30 --
Hey, it's only my second cuppa coffee...
, Art
Short version:
A Little Old Lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Cop: I need to see your driver's license and vehicle registration, please.
LOL: I lost my driver's license four years ago for drunk driving, and I stole this car. I murdered the driver and he's all chopped up, in the trunk.
The cop backs away from her, and calls for backup. Several cruisers arrive, and a supervisor questions further:
Supe: Ma'am, the officer said you don't have a driver's license or vehicle registration.
LOL: Oh, no; here they are.
Supe: Uh, could you open your trunk, please?
LOL: Sure! (She does, and it's as pristine as the day it left the showroom.)
Supe: Ma'am, the officer said you'd lost your license for drunk driving; that you'd stolen this car, and you'd murdered the owner and cut him up and had him in the trunk.
LOL: I'll bet that liar said I was speeding, too.
-- 30 --
Hey, it's only my second cuppa coffee...
, ArtHankB
Member
Two favorite dumb crook stories.
Story #1:
Guy decides to rob a grocery store - pulls a gun on a cashier. But in fumbling around with the money and the gun (he only has two hands) the gun discharges. This scares the BG and he runs out.
Police show up, and during the investigation, they ask the cashier whether or not the BG touched anything - they want to dust for prints. Cashier says no, he didn't touch anything . . . but they might want to look under the counter. Seems when the BG's gun discharged, he shot his own finger off. Cops picked up and printed finger, used the prints to track down bad guy with bandaged hand.
Story #2
Back in the days of the 1st Arab oil embargo, it was common for thieves to siphon gas out of cars. Well, our Einstein decided that motor homes and such had bigger gas tanks, so they were a better target. So he takes his gas can and a length of hose to a trailer park. He doesn't have a proper siphon, so he puts one end of the hose in the gas tank, puts his mouth on the other end, and sucks.
Now, inhaling gasoline is not healthy, but when you mistake the motor home's sanitary holding tank for the fuel tank, that's REALLY nasty.
Story #1:
Guy decides to rob a grocery store - pulls a gun on a cashier. But in fumbling around with the money and the gun (he only has two hands) the gun discharges. This scares the BG and he runs out.
Police show up, and during the investigation, they ask the cashier whether or not the BG touched anything - they want to dust for prints. Cashier says no, he didn't touch anything . . . but they might want to look under the counter. Seems when the BG's gun discharged, he shot his own finger off. Cops picked up and printed finger, used the prints to track down bad guy with bandaged hand.
Story #2
Back in the days of the 1st Arab oil embargo, it was common for thieves to siphon gas out of cars. Well, our Einstein decided that motor homes and such had bigger gas tanks, so they were a better target. So he takes his gas can and a length of hose to a trailer park. He doesn't have a proper siphon, so he puts one end of the hose in the gas tank, puts his mouth on the other end, and sucks.
Now, inhaling gasoline is not healthy, but when you mistake the motor home's sanitary holding tank for the fuel tank, that's REALLY nasty.
Bushwhacker
Member
A long time ago.......
While sitting in a strip mall in my marked patrol unit without bar lights on top, I was talking to 2 detectives we observe a guy riding around on a bike checking all the cars and storefronts out, he rode by us twice we were parked driver door to driver door next to each other...
The guy then goes up to the little booth out in the middle of the parking lot where you could drop your film off and get it developed, he then throws a brick at the window, window didn't break so he throws it again and it bounces back hitting him, he screamed, picks up the brick looks around again then huals off and throws brick for the 3rd time smashing window. We let him get inside before deciding to present him with his sign <<STUPID>> Asked him if he saw us NO! where were you? oh about 100 feet away under that light pole!
While sitting in a strip mall in my marked patrol unit without bar lights on top, I was talking to 2 detectives we observe a guy riding around on a bike checking all the cars and storefronts out, he rode by us twice we were parked driver door to driver door next to each other...
The guy then goes up to the little booth out in the middle of the parking lot where you could drop your film off and get it developed, he then throws a brick at the window, window didn't break so he throws it again and it bounces back hitting him, he screamed, picks up the brick looks around again then huals off and throws brick for the 3rd time smashing window. We let him get inside before deciding to present him with his sign <<STUPID>> Asked him if he saw us NO! where were you? oh about 100 feet away under that light pole!
SMMAssociates
Member
Bushwacker:
Here's a "Stupid Neighbors" story....
Same sort of door-to-door meeting. I'm driving a wannabemobile (rent-a-cop) with at least two extra antennas and a spotlight on the window frame. Other car's a fully marked (little bitty Fireball roof light in those days) City PD unit - black & white, big decals on the side, and a large "2" on the rear deck.
We're sitting in an abandoned gas station, well off the road discussing something or other. City radio comes alive: "Car Number 2; Signal 5 (investigate a car and occupants) at First & Main - suspicious activity....."
"Err.... Radio.... That's us...."
"oh...."
One of my buddies with the City complained when they went from the little Fireballs to big twin-sealed-beam lights because he used to be able to skulk around with the black & whites, but this was a real good "under the streetlight" meeting. Not "white way" lighting, but the City car was kind of unmistakeable.
'Round that time, I followed a car into PA from OH. Just driving to New Castle with no LE interest one night. In OH you normally don't use an unmarked car for traffic. It's not quite illegal, but iffy. In PA, it's normal. This guy must have noticed my spotlight 'cause it was ten under the whole way, and no safe place to pass. I thought about lighting up, but with my luck OSP or PSP would have been sitting there wondering why.
One trend I've noticed, though. The Crown Vics used locally have a very low profile, and when combined with those newer low-profile light racks, are hard to see when not lit up. Naturally, the local City and Township PD decided that white cars were in order to improve visibility.... At least I can see them, but....
Here's a "Stupid Neighbors" story....
Same sort of door-to-door meeting. I'm driving a wannabemobile (rent-a-cop) with at least two extra antennas and a spotlight on the window frame. Other car's a fully marked (little bitty Fireball roof light in those days) City PD unit - black & white, big decals on the side, and a large "2" on the rear deck.
We're sitting in an abandoned gas station, well off the road discussing something or other. City radio comes alive: "Car Number 2; Signal 5 (investigate a car and occupants) at First & Main - suspicious activity....."
"Err.... Radio.... That's us...."
"oh...."
One of my buddies with the City complained when they went from the little Fireballs to big twin-sealed-beam lights because he used to be able to skulk around with the black & whites, but this was a real good "under the streetlight" meeting. Not "white way" lighting, but the City car was kind of unmistakeable.
'Round that time, I followed a car into PA from OH. Just driving to New Castle with no LE interest one night. In OH you normally don't use an unmarked car for traffic. It's not quite illegal, but iffy. In PA, it's normal. This guy must have noticed my spotlight 'cause it was ten under the whole way, and no safe place to pass. I thought about lighting up, but with my luck OSP or PSP would have been sitting there wondering why.
One trend I've noticed, though. The Crown Vics used locally have a very low profile, and when combined with those newer low-profile light racks, are hard to see when not lit up. Naturally, the local City and Township PD decided that white cars were in order to improve visibility.... At least I can see them, but....
I posted this one before. I ordered a pizza one night, and when the driver showed up, some braniac decided to rob him at gunpoint. Before he delivered the pizza and got the cash. A scuffle ensues. The pizza guy ends up with the would-be robber's gun. And coat.
Another time my soft top Isuzu Amigo was, er, broken into, I suppose. See, the soft top was ripped off (and I do mean ripped - many of the grommets that attach it to the car were still attached to the car). However, the several hundred dollars worth of computer parts sitting in the back seat, along with my toolkit, were left alone. But the theives did make off with the rather unweildy (and ruined) soft top.
And this one, from a tour of the FBI headquarters in DC. A guy robs a bank, stuffs the bags of money down the front of his pants, and makes his escape. He made it about 50' from the building before the dye marker (read: incindiary smoke grenade) in the money bag went off. 2nd degree burns to the groinal region. Not to mention a lot of purple dye.
Another time my soft top Isuzu Amigo was, er, broken into, I suppose. See, the soft top was ripped off (and I do mean ripped - many of the grommets that attach it to the car were still attached to the car). However, the several hundred dollars worth of computer parts sitting in the back seat, along with my toolkit, were left alone. But the theives did make off with the rather unweildy (and ruined) soft top.
And this one, from a tour of the FBI headquarters in DC. A guy robs a bank, stuffs the bags of money down the front of his pants, and makes his escape. He made it about 50' from the building before the dye marker (read: incindiary smoke grenade) in the money bag went off. 2nd degree burns to the groinal region. Not to mention a lot of purple dye.
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