Pick a load that 1) works in your gun reliably 2) has decent penetration in gel, 12" or more.
After that, you don't worry about the gun jamming, you worry about your lanes of fire. That is the entire point of the concern about having bullets flying thru the walls and hitting family members or neighbors. What nobody apparently does is analyze what their lanes of fire are and what the backstops are.
If you are at your bedroom door and there is an intruder in the apartment, where would they likely stand, and what direction would you be shooting at? Sideways into your neighbors apartment or your child's bedroom? This is where the concerns about overpenetration get a foothold, the less knowledgeable are apparently thinking that they will be firing in a 360 degree circle and anything is vulnerable. The reality is that you will be directing fire in just a few narrow arcs and that is where you concentrate the most of your analysis.
In that regard, if the intruder is sheltering behind the front corner of the hallway, would it not be appropriate to put rounds thru the wall? Even if the projectile is slowed, a hit is still a hit and can slow or disable the threat. That is exactly why the military doesn't really supply ammo that "blows up" and lacks penetration. It's urban myth. They supply ammo that can go thru stacks of AK magazines in chest carriers, adobe walls, or cars. It removes the obstacle from being cover to bullet riddled concealment, and forces the intruder to quickly reconsider. It has a steel penetrator for a reason. It breaks in half to create another wound channel. It's not a hollow point with 6" of penetration - it can penetrate 3/8 steel plate at 350 meters. .223 hunting ammo is designed to a lesser standard, but I wouldn't count on it falling to the ground after two sheets of drywall, either.
Don't worry about penetration, worry about reliable functioning first, and having enough penetration to do the job when needed. The low penetration self defense "experts" aren't selling you a good answer for a tough situation. (Which rarely if ever actually happens . . .)