SATIRE: Deficit junkies
By RICK HOROWITZ
03/17/2005
NEW YORK
In a collision of two of America's best-known, if not always best-regarded, institutions, Major League Baseball officials announced today that they are investigating Congress.
The surprise announcement, made at a midday news conference at baseball's Manhattan headquarters, was certain to increase tensions between the National Pastime and the nation's lawmakers. But baseball officials claimed they had no choice.
"We have become more and more worried about reports of disturbing congressional behavior," said commissioner Bud Selig, citing both general ethical concerns and, particularly, recent highly publicized allegations of widespread budget abuse. "If we don't look into it, who will?"
According to baseball sources, "invitations to testify" already have been issued to several prominent members of the House of Representatives, with one and possibly two hearings scheduled for next week. The list of invitees was understood to include Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., and Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., as well as Rep. Tom Davis, R-Va., and Henry Waxman, D-Calif., the chairman and ranking minority member of the House Government Reform Committee.
"We have no partisan agenda here," Selig insisted. "That's why we wanted to hear from people on both sides of the aisle, to give them the opportunity to clear their names."
Notably absent from the list was the embattled House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, R-Texas. A senior baseball official said the omission was deliberate, noting the heavy attention already focused on DeLay for questionable fund raising and other activities.
"The last thing we want is to turn this thing into a media circus," said the official. The other members, he added, simply have to "show up and prove they're innocent."
With or without DeLay, the prospects for avoiding a circus seem slim at best. With at least some of Congress' biggest names on the witness list, the hearings are sure to become one of the season's must-have tickets for sports fans and political junkies alike.
The prominence of the names, however, seemed no deterrent to baseball officials. Indeed, Selig seemed eager for the chance to make a few of government's heaviest heavy hitters account for themselves.
"These people are not above the law," Selig said. "You know, they may fly in expensive planes and raise millions of dollars and be on C-SPAN, but they put their pinstripes on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us."
At the same time, Selig maintained, "these people" have a special responsibility to the public that helps pay their salaries.
"They're role models," he said. "I know many of our own players dream about being congressmen when they retire. And how about the kids? What do the kids think when they see Congress putting up these huge deficit numbers year after year? That it's OK to do it because their favorite congressman does it?"
Selig maintained that his sport's central place in American life made it the appropriate forum for airing questions about possible congressional misdeeds. And while conceding that baseball has no "formal" jurisdiction over Congress, the commissioner said that he expected the legislators to appear anyway.
"I assume they like sitting next to the dugout during the World Series," Selig said knowingly. "Show me where 'good seats for congressmen' is written in the Constitution."
Early reaction from Capitol Hill was muted, with no member of the congressional leadership willing to comment for attribution. Several, however, seemed stunned by the sudden assertion of baseball's authority over their activities. At a minimum, they said, they were concerned that preparing for and appearing at hearings would disrupt their schedules.
But Selig already had anticipated that argument, and he wasn't buying it. "From what certain people in Congress have been up to lately," he declared, "they must have all sorts of time on their hands."
Copyright Rick Horowitz
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist based in Milwaukee.
