recoil has been coved pretty well already, but to answer another part of your question,
if all your talking is flash and bang and not recoil, that seems like it would more an effect of what powder is used, not the bullet weight. if it's a slower powder and still burning when it exits the barrel behind the bullet you get more flash and bang. or the same powder with different weight bullets, well the heavier one is generally moving slower, giving the powder more time to burn up in the barrel.
It's partly the powder and unique properties thereof. The 180 grain round is the standard target round, and is sometimes loaded with specific (and cheap) powder for that general purpose; I'm not sure about the hp stuff you were using. A 135 grain self-defense round may be loaded with powder made for extra velocity. Which generally means more flash and bang.
Excellent points. Burn rate is the final component. Usually target loads are fast burning, and therefore require lesser charges to generate the same pressure as the heavier powders, that excellerates the bullets quickly.
That said, commercial loads are often loaded with whatever IS the cheapest, most profit, not what is the best load. Other ideas are to tailor the load by burn rate to the length of barrel it's being shot out of.
Some of the loads, Federals "low recoil" 357 comes to mind, are pretty close to .... "Low recoil" Sure, compared to a 458 Lott, but not compared to any of the other avaliable .357 loads. Just false advertizing, or, at the least the ones I compared to a bunch of other .357 loads.
Also, a heavier bullet can hold in place longer, allowing a slower burning powder to build to maximum pressure, prior to the bullet moving. A slower burning powder can create a longer, more even felt recoil, for an equal
speed and weight bullet.
All this aside, your observations on the two loads cannot really be generalized
to general characteristics. You have a specific incidence, and, you need to examine the facts of that situation to determine what causes that perception.
The first step would be to find out what velocity the loads are moving out of YOUR gun. Changing gun barrel lengths, and designs could change the perception of recoil. Then figure out what powders are being used, and what primers. Most ammo companies use powders we can't buy, and, it's unlikely they are going to give you the powder, and the burn rate. You can pull a bullet, and, look at and weigh the powder. Then compare it to the common reloading tables.
Some folks like Buffalobore, actually use low flash, low smoke powders for self defense round, like Winchester 297, which is not commercially avaliable.
What I'm getting at, is it's not easy to figure it out.