HELP, my wife has become an Anti nut...

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JT1JT1

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I really need advice!

The issue never came up in the early years, because work took us to countries where firearm ownership was impractical at best or illegal at worst.

Well, we've recently returned home to a firearm-friendly state where CCWs are shall issue, hunting is a popular past time and shooting sports overall are accessible.

So, time to release some pent-up demand and round out the nascent collection, right?

Yet, my wife has drawn a line in the sand, objecting to any more firearms in the house beyond what I already have for range and home defense.

Her reasoning--if you can call it that--comes down to "I am not comfortable with guns in the house." Never mind that they are already in the house!

I have tried without success to address any of her concerns rationally, but her aversion to arms is clearly emotion based. How to work on this?

I hope some of you have good suggestions; otherwise, I'll be the guy showing up to the 5-stand shoot with a pistol or trying to CCW something that prints on me like a press or using a service size handgun instead of a .22 to let my kids get their feet wet....Arrgghhhh.
 
This is not a gun issue - it's a maritial issue. I'm not sure that asking for advice here is a good idea.
 
Here's how I won my wife over. background.....she's an RN with a Master's in Social Work from Liberal U. (U of Michigan)....this morning I took a couple hours off work so she could meet with the Sheriff and complete her CHP application...

How'd I get there? Well, her anti-gun stance (~12 months ago) was also emotion based, so I made my pro-gun stance emotion based. Unfortunately, there was a "front page of CNN" style murder in our hometown. An older couple was murdered in the National Forest right where the wife and I like to take the kids hiking. I used this as an entry into the discussion. "Honey, we go hiking there a lot. This is why I choose to carry, so if something terrible like that happens to you or the kids, I might have a chance to do something about it."

Without preaching (that's key here) and without a bunch of over zealous spouting about the issue, I simply asked her what she would do to protect our kids. Her answer was, "ANYTHING!".

I then asked her if she (small statured, 115#) thought fist-fighting a rapist or kidnapper was a good idea. Again, no bluster no bravado, just discussion. That's the one that got her thinking. But she wasn't ready yet.

I then began educating. Again, without pressure or bravado. It went something like this. "Honey, I know you're not real comfortable with the guns in the house. I want to show you what I'm doing to keep them safe." Then show her the lock box, safe, locked cabinet, whatever you use.

And here's the big one that won my wife over. "Honey, I will NEVER intentionally leave a gun out. I am very careful. But it would make ME feel a lot better if you knew how to check the gun out to make sure it's safe. Maybe i do accidentally leave it out, or have an accident or something. I want you to know how to be sure it's not going to just go off (use those words that's what antis use so that's what she's thinking...)". Then slowly and carefully show her how to clear your gun. BUY SOME SNAP CAPS. Show her every step of the way what you're doing and why. USE THE SNAP CAPS to simulate unloading/clearing the gun. Show her then let her do it.

I repeated the above once a month or so for a few months. Eventually it became a non-issue (having the guns in the house), then it evolved into "ooh, I like this one!", then we went to the range. Then, she confiscated my 642 and SP101 as "her" guns...and today she completed her CHP application.

When she knows how they work, her emotional reactions will be much less powerful.



Almost every newbie I've introduced to the sport has been won over by simply showing them how the weapon works before ever getting to the range.
 
This is also a political issue. Is she a lefty on everything else too? I would start slow. Build an argument over time towards conservative points of view. Is she a Christian? The bible backs up self defense. My guess is that there are other political issues you probably don't agree on. My wife has become much more conservative since having met me. You're married. Love her through it. Be the leader in other areas of your household that are your responsibilty as the man.
 
she says that shes not comfortable with guns in the house, but the ones you own have not been a problem, sounds a bit strange.

is it possible this is a financial issue disguised as a gun issue?

its happened before
 
Folks - we are not going to stand around saying things like 'you need to keep dem wimmen in line' or 'time to get rid of her!'. Either provide useful comments on how to discuss the scenario positively, or keep quiet.
 
is that a good idea to suggest that she could be right about these kind of things happening ?
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It's not a point you want to get hung up upon in the "argument". This is her "perception" at this point, roll with it. As her education progresses she will, due to her own "discovery", determine that guns simply do not act that way.
 
Quote:
to be sure it's not going to just go off
is that a good idea to suggest that she could be right about these kind of things happening ?
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I should have been more clear.

YES...I would use those exact words. Right now, she is anti-gun and those are her thoughts. You can't change that....yet. Ever argue with someone over a matter of opinion? You'll lose every time. You need to expose her to fact through education and exposure. You'll get her to see that "just going off" is not, could not and will not happen. Once she understands how things work, she'll see "just going off" as anti-gun spin rather than fact.
 
Have you taken her shooting? That changes perspective more than anything else. (In my experience, it is like vegetarians - nothing brings them around faster than the smell of bacon or the taste of ribeye.)

If she won't go shooting, maybe invite her to some social event held by a gun club; seeing kids and women safely shoot may provide perspective.
 
This is also a political issue. Is she a lefty on everything else too? I would start slow. Build an argument over time towards conservative points of view. Is she a Christian? The bible backs up self defense. My guess is that there are other political issues you probably don't agree on. My wife has become much more conservative since having met me. You're married. Love her through it. Be the leader in other areas of your household that are your responsibilty as the man.
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Strangely enough my wife has become more liberal since knowing me, and become an even larger collector of firearms. It really has little to do with liberal or conservative politics as people on either side of the political spectrum can be both. Religion is also equally split between the two. You see you can find justification for both points of view in the bible if you look at the right verses, same with just about any other issue such as abortion for example. I also found it important to be careful of how high you push that head of the household as God commanded routine. There a reason why divorce amongst such groups are the highest in the country. A little give and take does far better in my experience.

Common sense points of view are what is important in my opinion than any one ideology and no one in the right mind is totally liberal or totally conservative. I found you have to be in the middle somewhere to avoid tearing yourself apart from the moonbattiness, especially since people have such odd ideas of what is a conservative or what is a liberal nowadays. That's more an education problem however and people shouting their case the loudest being the only one who are heard (eg 9/11 truthers and birthers movements).

Get a decent safe to keep them secure and try and involve her more with firearms. Also do something she likes to do. I found you have to keep a middle ground and do new stuff together really helps rebuild that connection. You may also want to try and compromise and sell a gun before buying a new one or try and understand her economic concerns, especially if a considerable amount of resources go into them. There is some underlaying course that she not telling you.

Just for the love of God don't use the old "it's an investment!" scheme.

/Liberal gun owner, like millions of others throughout the country.
//Sorry that the post was way too political
 
YES...I would use those exact words. Right now, she is anti-gun and those are her thoughts. You can't change that....yet. Ever argue with someone over a matter of opinion? You'll lose every time. You need to expose her to fact through education and exposure. You'll get her to see that "just going off" is not, could not and will not happen. Once she understands how things work, she'll see "just going off" as anti-gun spin rather than fact.
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I'd rather start with explaing how technically a gun cannot go off all by itself.. but again, this is MY opinion, and I understand your way of doing things as well-
 
When two people come together in opposition, it is passion that allows them to communicate.

@ the person above me -
This is all hypothetical, and I probably don't know anything, but then again if I'm wrong in this instance, there's atleast one more instance where this would be true)

but suppose you asked a woman what she thought about guns..

"I don't like them"
"Why not?"
"Criminals need guns, guns hurt people, I don't know how to use one anyway, etc etc"
"But surely you realize that everything you said is either entirely false, or something I would expect from a kid who just learned how to talk."
"SHUT UP I HATE YOU!"

right? What if, instead of trying to approach it in an indirect, neutral, "It's your choice" kind of way... how about, since you love her, and you care about her life and how it turns out I would hope, and you want her to be as close to your level of achievement as possible because you both want better for eachother, right? You think what you're doing is right, right?

What's wrong with explaining to someone, not that their idea is wrong, or that your idea is right, but that your idea is an idea to believe in?

"See it from my point of view, because I love you. I wouldn't lie to you, I'm not an idiot, and this is my stance as a human being. I will have firearms, because I can, and because there ARE things out there that WILL kill you if you don't get them first, and because as it would turn out, a high-speed ball of metal is very effective at achieving this. Also, because you're my wife/girlfriend/whatever, I want you to feel the same way, because if you don't, I'm always going to have to worry about getting phone calls from people telling me you've been raped, murdered, beaten up, robbed, or eaten by a tiger."


People these days are programmed, and the typical erroneous acceptance of the widespread "we know more than you, so you don't even have to think about it" philosophy (Ask your cable tech if what he's doing is the right way to do it.. A lot of the times, if they're smart and know what they're doing, they will get snippy (often because they settled on the easier option than the right option), or if genuine, will go into detail. If he's not smart, he might be real honest with you and say, "I have no idea..")


To break through this, the "consumer" IE - your neighbor, or wife, or son.. Make em feel what you're saying, or it'll never mean anything.


ETA - You do all of this with passion.

Passion is a speech modification tool. It allows you to dynamically control the pitch, and duration of your words. Imagine, when you're talking, that a similar concept as NO2 in use for vehicle performance enhancement also exists.

Passion, is much like NO2 in this regard. You should already have this ability within you, because I would imagine our ancestors spent a GREAT deal of time trying to perfect that one.

Use it if you think what you believe is right.
 
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Buy 'em. When she sees them she might not be able to distinguish them from the old ones. If she does, say, "Well, they're here now. Been here for a while. Hadn't bothered you before now..."
 
This may sound kinda dumb.. But i made my wife watch a season of the show "Gangland".. she now asks me if I have my gun, or do i have one in the bedroom..
 
There are plenty of threads on this with an endless stream of advice from misogynistic to idiotic and dishonest to truly insightful.

Often our "sudden" increase in interest takes a spouse by surprise. We may not have had more than a couple of firearms before, but we find ourselves suddenly like a kid in a candy store for one reason or another. We want "this" and talk about buying "that" and spend hours reading about "the other". If it doesn't take away from family finances it might take away from family closeness as our hobby is seen as approaching an obsession that causes us to spend time we previously spent with family. Perhaps it isn't that the guns are threatening, but our increased time spent thinking and buying and talking about them instead of the familiar things we did for years?

If it was cars or boats or games that suddenly consumed the shared time for us and a spouse that just wasn't interested would we be so ready to jump up and insist that the fault was all theirs?

Ask her if she's suddenly become afraid of guns for some reason or if it is the sudden interest taking time away that you might otherwise have shared? If she's uncomfortable with the idea that she's jealous of your gun interest she might continue to say she's afraid of the guns. If that's the case ask why the change and take the slow and easy familiarization approach suggested. Don't be the overbearing enthusiast. Remember it still may be the time you spend on the hobby that she's concerned about. Point out that it would one way to share the time together and that it might become a fun activity for the two of you. Don't make her a "gun widow" like some folks make their spouses "golf widows".
 
Find a pro-2A (or at least unbiased) marriage counselor. Sometimes hearing that a fear is irrational from a disinterested 3rd party is all it takes; or you could find out what the real problem is - as someone said, it might not be the actual guns.
 
In our house it was the other way around. I have always been interested in guns, but never got around to buying any because of the hassle with permits, and also the perception that I would never need one. My wife and I would discuss crime issues after reading the days post at Xavierthoughts and we would both agree that if the victim had a gun they would be better off. Eventually my wife asked me to arrange for us to get permits and get guns, and I was happy to do so.

I really agree with what WNC Seabee said:

Get action proving dummies (from brownells)

http://www.brownells.com/.aspx/cid=...=y/Products/All/search=action_proving_dummies

or snap caps and use those to demonstrate the operation of the gun. You can spend quality time together in front of the TV learing how to load and unload in the comfort of your home with no risk or stress.

My suggestion would be to bring up xavierthoughts on the computer when she is around and point out the articles on people saving their lives with guns. Some of those stories are pretty hair raising, and they are well written.
Here is a very good recent one.
http://xavierthoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/gun-in-home.html

Good luck to you.
 
This is also a political issue. Is she a lefty on everything else too? I would start slow. Build an argument over time towards conservative points of view. Is she a Christian? The bible backs up self defense. My guess is that there are other political issues you probably don't agree on. My wife has become much more conservative since having met me. You're married. Love her through it. Be the leader in other areas of your household that are your responsibilty as the man.
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Bam. this is exactly what I am thinking. I like this guy.


Alot of this depends on her worldview. Which depends on her religeous beliefs or lack of it.

In my house, which is a Christian one, the husband is the leader of the home, and in the end responsible for keeping the wife and children safe, in a good environment, and protecting them from evil of all kinds. It is also my responsibility to keep the children safe FROM the guns, untill they grow older and more responsible.

I dont think my wife batted an eye when I said I needed a new gun or 5. Other than $$$$ concerns of course. Everything has to be in the ol budget.

:)
 
HELP, my wife has become an Anti nut...
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Sounds like its about time to get around to that mid-life crises you have been needing! :D


My wife was fairly anti-gun when we first met and she has tried to pull the no more guns in the house thing. I told her I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her all she had to do was make a choice; accept my gun hobby or accept being single. We are still married after 11 years and I have a nice collection so End of story.

It is not really about guns it is about what makes you happy in life with some compromise (not complete compromise). If what makes each individual happy makes the other miserable then you do not belong together.
 
In my house, which is a Christian one, the husband is the leader of the home, and in the end responsible for keeping the wife and children safe, in a good environment, and protecting them from evil of all kinds. It is also my responsibility to keep the children safe FROM the guns, untill they grow older and more responsible.
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As an aside: many households do not take such traditional roles, and it is not our place to make value judgements in that area.

I think that hso brings up a great point that needs to be examined - the need to find out what is REALLY at the basis of the concern. The root issues may be political, they may be behavioral, they may be financial (as has been suggested by FlyinBryan) - we simply do not know.

It seems to me that the first order of business is to figure that out. Nobody can give good advice on how to address the problem(s) until the root concern(s) can be quantified.
 
My sincere suggestion is stop asking here, and ask your bride.

Geno
 
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