My future wife outed me in a crowd

[Rockrivr1]

My future wife is having a very tough time right now as her father abruptly passed away. This came as a huge shock to the family and as with any family the past week was spent getting the funeral arrangements made. This is especially tough seeing her uncle just passed away 6 weeks ago. I started a post back then about whether it was appropriate to CCW at a funeral and the answer was a resounding yes.

So, with that thread in mind I carried during the wake. A wake where I was standing in the family line after the coffin. I was carrying a 642 in a Mitch Rosen Tuckable IWB Holster in the 4-5 o'clock position. With a suite on, there was no way to visibly tell I was carrying.

About halfway through the 3 hour wake my fiancee breaks a little and starts to cry and leans into me for a hug. No big deal until she wraps her arms around me an firmly plants a hand on the grip of my 642. She picks her head up off my chest, looks me in the eye and says in a rather loud voice

"Are you carrying a gun at my father's funeral"

Ok, let me state that the funeral home was PACKED to say the least. He was a very popular guy and there was a line out the door for the entire 3 hours. When she said it, a whole bunch of heads turned my way including her fathers brother and sister who where standing next to me. I said, no, it's my cell phone. Which was a big fat lie that she knew because I gave her my cell phone when we got there to put in her purse. At least she didn't call me a liar right in front of the crowd. I think that most people bought it except for a few people in the crowd and the brother and sister team. They were eying my waistline all night. Made me pretty uncomfortable.

Then the next day we are at the funeral home getting ready for the trip to the church. The place had about 30-40 people there when my Fiancee's fathers sister asks if we were holding all the cards that people brought the night before. I said yes and that I had put them in my safe. The Fiancee blurts out.

"So you put them in the GUN safe?"

Ok, I know her father just passed away but damn, SHUT UP!!!!

Hummm, for only being together 2 years I'm sure spending a lot of time at funerals with this family

 

[John Ross]

I'd call it off, were I you. This one is NOT a keeper.

JR

 

[Blue Jays]

Hi Rockrivr1-

That was absolutely irresponsible behavior on the part of your girlfriend to loudly exclaim you were armed. Family is one thing, but complete strangers also attend funerals due to their business/professional associations with the deceased. They could even be people her uncle didn't particularly like, but they're making an appearance for "political" reasons. There is no reason for them to know you're armed or even a gunowner for that matter.

Tell her not to do that again under any circumstances.

~ Blue Jays ~

 

[Darth Ruger]

Do you want to be one of the guys that keep coming here asking for help in dealing with your 'wife problem'?

If your fiance has a problem with your lifestyle, now is the time to seriously reconsider if she's really right for you.

 

[Kharn]

Sounds like she needs a sit-down discussion about concealed meaning concealed.

Kharn

 

[KriegHund]

Why not carry a gun...anywhere?

And why did you put cards (Like hallamrk cards right) in the safe? Or am i misunderstanding the word card?

 

[TonkinTwentyMil]

Double ditto what John Ross said.

Such incidents are the litmus test of political compatibility, even during times of stress. You two may think you have much in common, lotsa love, blah-blah, etcetera. However, over time, she'll resent you for this incident AND your love of those eeevil guns that are only made to kill innocent people, more blah-blah.

Dropo kick her real soon (after her mourning period's over) to some "sensitive" anti-gun pacifist wimp who'll support her delusions and submit to them... not challenge them as you will (and must).

 

[hso]

"Darling, one of the reasons I carry a gun all the time is that I couldn't live with myself if some kook did anything to hurt you or the kids we'll have some day. If we let lots of people know that I do then that takes away from my ability to protect us. Let's keep it a secret so that no one gets the idea they should come to the house and try to break in and take the gunsafe or prevent me from keeping YOUR STUPID BUTT OUT OF A PINE BOX!!!"

 

[Rob1035]

she's taking her grief out at your expense. Call her on it, her reaction might suprise you.


in retrospect, I dunno, I probably would have told her I was carrying, if she didn't already know "carrying 24/7" really meant 24/7 (if thats how you carry)

 

[Alex45ACP]

www.NoMarriage.com

 

[Old Pa]

It's pretty much a general truth that the individual factors which lead to a divorce were known to the parties before the marriage. There are worse things than not being married.

 

[sturmruger]

The last funeral in my family there was close to $1000 in cash in the hallmark cards!! I think that is worth putting somewhere safe.


Rock don't listen to all of these guys. There are people such as myself who got married to a women who was less then enthused about my gun collectoin. Now that I have had 6 years to work on her she has come around in a big way. Many times when we are in a bad part of town she will pat my waist to make herself feel better. Her feeling my gun always puts her at ease and she gets a cute little smile on her face. It always makes me feel good because I know she feels more secure with me and my gun being in close proximity. This is not a deal breaker she just needs some more time to come around. Work on her slowly and after a few years you will be in good shape.

 

[Strings]

Look over your head. You'll find two handles, painted in a yellow and black stripped pattern. Grasp those handles firmly, and pull forward and down. And brace for the ignition of rocket in the seat...

 

[Rob1035]

also she is probably very distraught on a few different levels, they are complicated creatures.

 

[Mongo the Mutterer]

Hate to say it, but grab the handles and eject! eject! eject!

This event is something you will have to answer to for the rest of time. Stuff like this doesn't go away and her "gun" comment the next day tells me that the event may be a defining moment in your relationship. And not a good one...

The best thing is to be honest and direct after she has had her mourning period and see if I am right about the above. If I am, you are in trouble.

 

[longtooth]

24-7 is 24-7

I did not get in on that 1st question about carrying at funerals but here is another resounding yes. I carry at every funeral, wedding, & church service that I am at. He may have been the greatest guy in the whole world. The family may all get along & be the one in a million that never has a cross word let alone any trouble. Get her to guarantee that there will not be some fool that is looking for a great big crowd to shoot up like there has been in so many churches & schools. Even though I have never seen a funeral home posted legally w/ no carry signs, I believe they would be seen by any BG's as a gun free place. NOW #2. HEAR THIS REAL CLEAR. Her blurting out like that was not so much how she feels about guns as how she will treat you in the future over anything you do that she does not like. I don't know how old you are but I have been marrying couples for over 33 yr. now. I tell tell the ladies if they want to know how the future husband is going to talk to them and about them after the wedding, just watch how they talk about their Mother. The same goes for the guys. The way she has done at the funeral home will be the way she will do at the grocery store, family reunion, kids ball game or at the employee recognition banquet. I have seen that one and most of the others. Some have said get rid of her now. Others that there needs to be a real heart to heart talk about not happening again. Another ask if you were going to be asking for advice from the forum about a problem wife for the rest of your life. I will tell you that 33 + yr has taught me that you need to decide whether you are going to get out now or be imbarrased every time you do something she does not like until you can't live w/ it any more & get out then. Probably w/ kids 10, 8, & 5. Sounds tough now but not near as tough as living w/ a mean tongued woman. Married life is too long to live it in misery.

 

[Lupinus]

Have a sit down with her and discuss the KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT factor. Explain to her a concealed weapon is concealed for a reason and her BLURTING it out like the virgin mary just apeared over the coffin is NOT a good way to handle such things.

If she has a problem with you carrying and/or can't learn to keep her mouth shut and/or has a problem with your guns in general then its time for you to do some serious consideration on if this is really the one for you.

 

[Darth Ruger]

Now that I have had 6 years to work on her she has come around in a big way.

That's a mighty long time to have to work on changing someone.


As a buddy of mine who was married to the wrong woman (he knew it when they got married, and they are now happily divorced) once said to me...
"The only thing worse than being alone is being married to someone who makes you wish you were alone."

 

[Sistema1927]

You can't change anyone, and anyone who thinks so is living in dreamland.

Is there anything else about her that nags you? If so, then get used to it, or decide that now is the time to bail out.

 

[Fred Fuller]

Rock,

My wife was carrying at our WEDDING.

THAT'S how you can tell a keeper...

lpl/nc

 

[sturmruger]

It never ceases to amaze me how anti marriage a lot of the guys on this board can be. I don't know if most of the guys on here are divorced, or if they just hate the whole institution of marriage.


Rock I am sure you are smart enough to not get rid of her over this one situation.

 

[Old Pa]

It never ceases to amaze me how anti marriage a lot of the guys on this board can be. I don't know if most of the guys on here are divorced, or if they just hate the whole institution of marriage.

I've been married happily (and once) for almost twenty years. I don't "hate the whole institution of marriage", but I do know which end is up with the tribe of femalies.

 

[Darth Ruger]

I also wouldn't put any stock in the idea that it's just because of her current period of mourning. The way she reacted in both of those incidents is the type of attitude of someone that has a problem with guns.

If she were perfectly okay with guns, she wouldn't have freaked when she accidentally put her hand on the pistol grip. It would have been just a fact of daily life and she would have moved her hand without giving it a second thought. And she would have appreciated that you put those cards in the safest place in the house.

This isn't about grieving. It's about a woman that has a problem with her man's lifestyle. Think oil and water.

Something tells me you already know this deep inside, or you wouldn't have posted this here.

 

[Lupinus]

It never ceases to amaze me how anti marriage a lot of the guys on this board can be. I don't know if most of the guys on here are divorced, or if they just hate the whole institution of marriage.

It has nothing to do with being anti marrige it is about being compatible without major serious changes. Any relationship requires change, adaptation, and compromise anyone who is unwilling to do any of those completly will wind up old and alone....possibly hapily possibly not.

But if one person can not accept the other for what they are rather then who they want them to be then that is different. If you are a gun carrier that speeks alot about you and is a major thing, if she isn't compatible with that then it is better to part ways. If it is a part of who you are, whether it be cars, planes, hell model sail boats, if that is a part of who you are thats it. Other person doesn't have to enjoy it, other person doesn't have to participate, but they do have to accept it. On that note the same curtisey is and should be extended to the other party. Now that said even if they accept it change is still nessisary. For instince if you like cars and you spent all your spare time under the hood of a car, that is no longer possible. If all your spare time was spent in a bar, no longer possible. But thats who you are thats who you are and the other person has to accept that you are changing it a bit to accomidate them out of respect, but that you are not flushing it down the toilet.

 

[Bulldozer]

Having been twice divorced, and now on my third (and happiest by far)marriage, I may have some experiential input that could be valid.

My first wife was violently anti-gun. So much so that I could not even store a sidearm in the house. It had to stay in the locker at work. There were so many signs that said don't do it, but I persevered being young and foolish. She thought nothing of taking the Metro all over the place at all times of the night through some very shady neighborhoods. Mistake all around. I was outed twice and that was just the icing on the cake.

Intersperse several girlfriends who I taught to shoot and some even got a CCW. Great girls, good sense, just not the type (I thought) to settle down with. A couple of girls I dated were better CCW-ers and shooters than I was. They never outed me in that way. It was a joy to have a companion who was also capable of being a "partner" should the need arise.

Second wife had no qualms with guns and learned to shoot reasonably well. Other issues led to the demise of this marriage. When looking for a long-term/lifelong mate having shared beliefs across many topics (including RKBA) may just not be enough. You both have to be growing together as you develop, not apart.

My third wife is a nurse and is anti-gun. She knew from the get-go that I would NOT compromise on this. She has become normalized to the presence of it via my daily carry. To her credit, she has NEVER outed me or otherwise groused about the carriage of my pistols. She understands the background surrounding the decision and supports it. She has only touched a gun once and does not care to learn. She has seen/treated too many gunshot wounds to want to spend her personal time with the weapons. That being said, the many other factors that make up a successful marriage are there (they weren't in the prior ones) and I can see myself happily settled with my dear wife.

Best advice I can give:

1.) If she does something that feels wrong in your core, you need to discuss it. Talk is not a bad thing. It can uncover issues that can be addressed before the legally binding commitment kicks in.

2.) You need to have a vision of shared beliefs and goals for the future. While you may be compatible now, if you have disparate dreams and goals, you will grow apart.

3.) You need to be able to trust one another -- financially, fidelity-wise, and emotionally. If you don't/can't trust the other party in the relationship, why are you staying in the relationship?

4.) You both need to be willing to find a level of compromise of important issues with each other that you both can live with. No one side should have to totally give in to the other. That is where resentment kicks in and rots out the heart of the love you share.