My future wife outed me in a crowd

[Darth Ruger]

I don't hate the institution of marriage. But the sacred institution of marriage is worthless and becomes a prison when two people that really aren't right for each other ignore the warning signs and get married and end up getting divorced later because they don't have the strength to do what they know is the right thing to do.

I watched my brother do it. I watched my sister do it twice. My own wife did it once before me and learned her lesson the hard way. One of her sisters did it. Another sister is in her second marriage that's even worse than the first one. She actually slipped once and admitted to my wife that she knew they shouldn't get married, but otherwise continually tries to defend her marriage, and she's more miserable every day. Too many people today spend their time justifying and rationalizing something they know isn't right, rather than listening to that primitive thing we all have within us called instinct. It's there to protect us. Why ignore it?

When a problem crops up after the fact, that's one thing. But when someone knows beforehand that it's not right and proceeds with it anyway, it invariably ends up being the one time in their life that they wished they had listened to their gut instinct. I came close once, but the "this is wrong, don't do it" feeling was just getting stronger and stronger. I finally listened to it instead of denying it, and once it was over, I felt so relieved. I knew I did the right thing, and now I've been with the right woman for the last ten years. We never would have met if I had married the one I knew inside was wrong for me.

It's not about hating the institution of marriage, it's about having the common sense to listen to your instincts and having the strength to face the truth.

Notice the point of the story when he posted it: "My future wife..." His instincts are telling him something about this relationship and he knows it.

 

[Standing Wolf]

"Are you carrying a gun at my father's funeral"

My answer would have been, "Of course. I carry everywhere." That wouldn't have been news, since it seems to me that's a matter to get squared away fairly early on in a relationship. That's all I'd have said. It would then have been up to her to pursue the conversation or let it be concluded.

 

[WT]

Cut her a break. Some people say and do incredibly stupid things after the death of a loved one.

After a year, check back.

 

[Lupinus]

And some people say incredably stupid things with a gun pointed at their head.

Not to be insensitive but if you blurt that out at a funeral I don't really trust you not to in a situation where such would be dangerous.

"Alright give me your wallet!" as underprivliged youth points gun at your head

"Allright easy buddy.." as you reach back for your gun making it look liek your going for your waller

"Pleast tell me you have your gun!" screamed by the little woman about to wet herself taking away your chance to get your gun because he has enough time to process you are armed before you can draw and shoot cause your hand isn't at your gun yet

 

[Ellie]

on funerals and women

My answer would have been, "Of course. I carry everywhere."

1) I like this answer. Why is it that either partner in a marriage should become less or different than they were before the marriage? Why should you compromise yourself? Answer: you shouldn't. She either wants you for you, or not.

2) Lupinus has a good point, too. You want a woman who can be calm and intelligent under stress.

3) I agree with many posters that it's important to watch for red flags before getting married.

To make a marriage work, love and attraction are important, but compatability, respect, and agreement on key issues (e.g. money, guns, and kids) are absolute necessities.

You are entering into a relationship where you are responsible for each other. For instance, you will have to pay off her credit card debt if she's bad with money (and vice versa). Not a small decision.

Remember: once you're married, it's cheaper to keep her!

4) Why not carry at a funeral? How is it less likely that you'll need a weapon?

 

[Mnemesyne]

Relationships are about compromise....I'd sit her down and discuss why concealed means concealed however and determine if it was simply being overstressed due to the death in the family or that she doesn't like firearms...Don't change for them and don't try to change them for you...that's the worst thing you can do to a relationship...

If she loves you for you, she'll accept you for who you are presently...not who she wishes you were or who she hopes to turn you into....Having someone who can keep a calm head when things go bad is also important...

I'm sure that you're mature enough to determine if you need to end your relationship or not so I won't go there....Just remember one thing, without trust, relationships have nothing...irregardless how good the other "benefits" are.....


Mneme

 

[The Tourist]

I don't believe it is possible to change that aspect of a woman's personality. My Mom nagged me incessantly. My Dad would never intervene.

I told my wife that I endure just about any behavior, but not nagging, at any cost. And if she attempts to start, even now, it gets ugly.

My advice, in truth, dump her. You'll listen to this your entire life. And just about the time you think you have it solved, she'll revert to step one. There are lots of pretty, capable NRA girls.

 

[spacemanspiff]

rock, your response should have been "but honey, all the guys on the internet told me to!"

if the blame game was good enough for adam (it wasnt ME, the woman that YOU gave me made me do it!) its good enough for us.

 

[redneck2]

There are worse things than not being married.

Having BTDT...listen to this advice. I didn't, and it cost me a LOT of money and heartache

Dump her like yesterday's trash

My newest wife has a CCW and buys me guns. Also, she's drop dead gorgeous and cooks like a dream. Gotta sort thru the chaff to get the wheat

 

[gulogulo1970]

Cut her some slack, her father just died.

 

[Lupinus]

did we not already go over the cut her some slack someone just died in ehr family part?

Scroll up I don't feel like typing it over agian.

 

[gulogulo1970]

All of you emotions are amplified when someone dies, and most of those emotions can be negative. The outing my CCW talk, can come at a later date.

I read your posts Lupinus, I guess I don't think as tactically as you do, Mr. Sensitive.

 

[one45auto]

Cut her loose, my friend. Mourning or not, she ratted you out and that instance is - to me, anyway, indicative of several bad character traits.

 

[Lupinus]

I read your posts Lupinus, I guess I don't think as tactically as you do, Mr. Sensitive.

Yep. Thats me.

It's not about thinking tacticle. Its about being able to maintain common sense while under extreme emotional distress. A close family member jsut died. Mourn, cry, be sad, all that is fine and well Im not saying you have to be a brick outhouse through it all. But you SHOULD be able to maintain some form of thought and sense when in distress. If you can't do that thats fine and well, but it means serious talk time.

 

[JohnKSa]

People use emotional moments and stressful situations as an excuse to say and do what they want to say and do all the time.

 

[Ben Shepherd]

DITTO the sit-down. Maybe should have happened a long time ago. However:

WAIT a couple weeks to do this, even if it means changing your routine to avoid situations that could spark a repeat. WHY? It'll let her get her emotions under control so you can have a rational/logical discussion.

Depending on how this talk goes and ends should give you a very strong inclination as to which way this relationship should go.

 

[Krenn]

this MAY have been an understandable mistake.

on the other hand, it may be a forewarning.

I'd reccomend that you find several good, conservative, relationaship guides. Laura Schlessinger comes to mind, although her work needs to be taking with several grains of salt. Relevant books include ten stupid things women do, ten stupid things men do, and the proper care and feeding of husbands. Those titles are not exact. I imagine better books exist, but those are choice you're likely to find in your local library. Brad Miner's The Compleat Gentleman is also good, although not exactly a relationship book.

after you've read your fill. (and a read a LOT, by a LOT of different people.) review your notes. (You DID take notes, didn't you?) Make a list of General philosophical aproaches to life and marraige that you and your fiance HAVE to share. (I.E, answering each other's questions honestly and fully if at all possible, each being willing to make large sacrifices for the other, etc, etc. your philosophy may vary.

Then, block out major issues, on which you and your fiance PROBABLY should share. I.E. RKBA, abortion, political party, Religion, etc. depending on your personal views, some of those may belong under mandatory philosophy.

After that is 'style' points... how clean each of you like to keep your homes, how clingy each of you are likely to be to your original families, whether you prefer Autoloaders or Revolvers... these points are PROBABLY not important, but it helps to know, and if you are on opposite ends of the spectrum on almost everthing on this list, you may want to double check the previous two lists.

After doing a LOT of VERY CAREFULL PREPERATION, sit down and talk to your fiance about these matters. it would probably be sportsmanlike to warn her well ahead of time, so she has time to prepare as well, and does not feel ambushed.

Then talk. for as long as it takes, in as many sessions as it takes, until you have a very clear idea of what sort of person each of you are, and what you can expect in a marraige.

IF all this comes out fine, then the funeral was probably a minor matter that can easily solved. I wish the both of you a long and happy marraige.

If you get very ugly reactions, or carefull, studied, neutrality...

you may need to break up the engagement. be as gentlemanly as possible... while it may be uncomfortable for a long time afterwards, it doesn't bode well if you leave a trail of unneccessary enemies behind you. besides, she might have a cousin, or she might change, or you might change... or you could have been wrong in your studies.

above all THINK THROUGH THIS VERY CAREFULLY.

 

[EddieCoyle]

I haven't read the whole thread and pardon me if this has been stated before but after three or four dates, my girlfriends are used to me carrying all the time. The subject would never come up. In fact, the only time my GF said anything was when she hugged me and said, "Where's your gun?'

 

[XavierBreath]

Her saying "Are you carrying a gun at my father's funeral" is akin to you saying "Are those real or post surgical breasts?"

There is some tact that cannot be taught or learned.

It's time to start looking again. Sorry. It won't get any better.

 

[Sir Aardvark]

Good Luck!.....sucker

 

[Blue Jays]

Hi All-

"...People use emotional moments and stressful situations as an excuse to say and do what they want to say and do all the time..."

This is one of the best posts of the whole thread. As a society we need to get a stiff upper-lip and learn how to get through bad times without completely losing composure and becoming unraveled. Great insight into the topic JohnKSa...

~ Blue Jays ~

 

[JohnKSa]

Thanks!

I've always thought that what a person does and says is evidence of what's inside. Stress doesn't change what's inside, but it can reveal it.

BTW, I have no illusions of changing the threadstarter's mind--he's toast. Biology almost always wins over logic.

 

[1911 guy]

Yank the hadles and take the ride

As others have said..."EJECT"! You've been dating this woman for two years and now she's surprised you're carrying? There is either a severe ideological mismatch or a severe communication issue and neither bodes well. My wife (who I dated for less than two years) knows that I carry, will carry anywhere not illegal and some places that are and also knows not to give me any grief over it. She has some habits that she will do with regularity and I know better than to give her grief over that. If you don't have these issues sorted out two years into a relationship, there's nothing but trouble on the horizon. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

 

[oneslowgun]

I very much agree with JohnKSa. Stress does not change a person, stress DEFINES a person. A person never more truely shows who and what they are then when under stress.

 

[Flatfender]