My future wife outed me in a crowd

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what was her position BEFORE the funeral?

If she was on the fence anti-gun before these two incidents, then, yeah, she should be replaced, or at least talked to. If she was fine with your guns, went to the range with you, maybe fired a few herself, expressed interest in owning one herself... it could totally be her grief talking, and the fact that she doesn't understand (through all her pain and misery) why you would need to carry at her fathers' funeral.

Also, she may be putting the blame of her fathers death on violence of any type (even if he didn't have a violent death) and just thinking GUN means DEATH. Remember, irrational behavior is called that for a reason.



caveat: I'm not a doctor or psychologist, I just play one on the internet.
 
What the heck, might as well chime in

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide. Not that the other replies don't have their strong points, but I think Bulldozer had the most realistic answer. As a physics professor friend of mine is fond of saying, "But it's more complicated than that." Having a spouse who is/isn't crazy about firearms is not the best/worst possible relationship. There seem to be more basic issues of communication and respect here, and I hope that you are able to resolve them, one way or another. My wife and I have only been married a few years (we're a bit older, my first, her second). She does not like anything to do with guns, hunting, etc. She is afraid of guns and does not like them around (though she grew up on a farm where everyone hunted). She knew when we met that I was heavily into shooting sports. That did not define our relationship, though. She has handled a gun once (with me) and I have made it clear that if we choose to live out in the country, she will need to learn to shoot (too many dangerous animals and I'm not always home). She does not like this idea, but wants to live in the country and sees the utility of the skill. She has not bought me firearms (we really can't afford more now), but did suggest that we visit Rock Island Arsenal while on our honeymoon (we were passing through that area and I just mentioned remembering hearing that name -- awesome museum!), surprised me by taking me to a gun show for Valentine's Day, and regularly tries to open up a free morning or afternoon for me to hunt or target shoot. She knows I love to shoot, and so she wants me to enjoy my sports. I know she doesn't like it, so I don't push her on the issue (other than for safety needs). I carry under a CCW, and she is very good about not mentioning or "telegraphing" (too many looks at or touches to the weapon) when I am carrying, and I remember to let her know whether I am or not ahead of time.

The gun issue is not a deciding factor, but the respect and communication is. If not resolved, it will very soon lead to unhappiness for both of you. Again, good luck, and God bless.
 
Dumping her without talking about this would be acting rash. So would going on as if it had never occurred. Find out what's up, and go from there.
 
>Its about being able to maintain common sense while under extreme emotional distress. A close family member jsut died. Mourn, cry, be sad, all that is fine and well Im not saying you have to be a brick outhouse through it all. But you SHOULD be able to maintain some form of thought and sense when in distress. If you can't do that thats fine and well, but it means serious talk time.<

For what it's worth, my wife Spoon totally agreed with the above...

Of course, she's gonna have her own CCW (when the PTB allow WI serfs that priviledge)...
 
Do NOT listen to the "get out now!" people. Sit her down, talk with her. A real serious talk and take it from there if it goes bad choose your right to protect yourself or her and go from there.

But stress is stress reguardless if it is a death or a gun put to your head in the end stress is stress and she needs a serious sit down talk before you do anything like leave her over it.
 
outing can be very dangerous. There was a case in PA some years ago where a man and his wife went to the bank. He was carrying and she knew it. Two BGs came into the bank and the wife said to her husband in a loud whisper 'don't draw your gun' .The BGs heard this and immediately killed him !!!
 
Outed

All my adult life, whenever I got involved with a woman, one of the first things that I got out of the way was to tell her that I carried a gun everywhere except government buildings and courthouses with metal detectors...no matter what the circumstances...even to church and to funerals. My standing disclaimer was to inform her that if this was going to be a problem, that she should get it out now, because it was non-negotiable.

It's been a good policy. I lost a few, but...:cool:
 
It's not about her opinions -
It's about trust.

Sorry to add to the chorus, but she just proved something very important.
 
Just for what it is worth. Do not dump her right now. She has already lost an uncle and her father in a very short amount of time. If that doesn't put a lot of stress on someone, they are inhuman. Dumping her now would make you look like a HUGE jacka$$.
I would sit down with her, and ask her why she outed you so loudly at the funeral. She may not have known how loudly she said it (stress does make the voice rise). Also she may have been shocked at you carrying to her dad's funeral. She may not have seen the need in it. Also, I would point out that the safe is the BEST place by far to keep valuables in the house.
That being said, I wish you the best of luck.
 
Too bad about her father, but as a previous poster stated "stress defines who you really are".
Consider yourself lucky. She has revealed an incompatable core value about herself.

You have two options:

1) You can stick it out with her hoping against hope that it was an isolated incident and spend the rest of your days in misery as she attempts to mold you in HER image of what/who she thinks you ought to be........or:

2) You can heed the warning signs now and get out while you still have your sanity, freedom and FINANCIAL assets intact.

Women are replaceable, and none are worth sacrificing core values and beliefs for.
Liberty, freedom and financial assets once lost are much harder to come by.
 
I don't know how 'future' this woman is, or how long you've known each other. By the time I'd made the committment, I would have already lined out the idea that:

1. I carry.
2. I do it wherever it's legal.
3. I don't intend to change that because there's an additional person with my last name living with me.
4. Both of our families are aware that I carry.

So if you haven't gotten to the point yet where that's established in your relationship, her reaction is understandable and certainly forgiveable under the circumstances.

If you've already had the talks and she hasn't agreed to 1-4, brother, you're looking for a life I wouldn't choose.

YMMV.

jmm
 
I would feel violated if that were me, and I'd be steaming angry. I would talk with her, in a few days, give her time to collect herself a bit after her dad's death...but in the end, it might still be time to eject.
 
Thanks for all the replys everyone. When my Fiancee and I first started dating I didn't carry as I didn't have my CCW as of yet. Over the past two years she has been very pro gun, has gone shooting with me several times, attended guns shows with me and has talked about going to a firearms saftey class with my Mom so they can get their permits. I finally was able to get my CCW in July and have been carrying with the 642 in a pocket holster mostly. I never really discussed this with her directly as she's seen me put the 642 in my pocket before we were going out to leave. Her outing me like that was confusing to me as I thought she realized I carried almost all the time now. Now that I've had to think about it, I guess not.

I understand what most of you are saying and to be honest I'm surprised I'm getting married again after the 14 years of hell I went through with my first wife. But, she's been like a rock and I honestly consider her my best friend. Even when I got really sick after the first 6 months of us dating, she stuck with me and made sure I got the best care possible. She doesn't own a credit card :what: (Couldn't believe this one at first) but it's true. She only spends what she has after she pays her bills. Holy crap, my first wife sunk us into debt so bad it wasn't even funny.

The wedding is in 5 weeks. So at this point I think I'll wait a week or two for her to get her fathers death behind her a bit and then sit down with her and have a conversation about my CCW habbits. She has to understand that what she did was very BAD. She knows I'm a gun nut and she's stuck around, so I take that as a good sign.

I know some of you are saying. To summarize = Sucker! and Toast! I had to smirk Sir Aardvark and Lupinus when I read your comments.

To all those who said "EJECT", don't worry. If things feel bad after the conversation I'll bail. I definitely will not go through a repeat of my first marriage.
 
To marry or to bail????

QUOTE:::To all those who said "EJECT", don't worry. If things feel bad after the conversation I'll bail. I definitely will not go through a repeat of my first marriage:::

Can you really? I would say you have a big decision! Her or the gun?

You can take this to the bank........She'll out you again! Probably when your or her life is on the line!

Are you prepared to be totally humiliated again or die for her because she won't keep quiet. Stress or no stress she is a keg of dynamite.

It's very simple. If you want to keep her you will put the guns away and forget it. Or you will be walking on eggshells every time you go into a place where ccw would be appropriate!

Yeah, stress does funny things to nice folks. You've just been handed a nice lesson. Thank God it was there and not at gun point of some nut case!

Your call. I don't wish to be in your shoes::eek:
 
I'm with Bulldozer all the way. And by the way, my wife is quite unfriendly about "guns" but not unfriendly about me. Our marriage is strong and works because we have excellent communication, recognize the values and commitments that we share, and are cognizant of those matters on which we have significant differences. There are few.

Oh, and guess what? Had I been in this situation, I would have asked my wife if I could carry at the funeral. She would say no and I would have honored that. Oh boy, here come the flames. Sorry, guys, I don't see BGs around every corner. Sometimes, you make compromises and you make them when necessay. On this one, my future wife's feelings and needs would come first. It's not like I was going to the funeral of a gang-banger or deep into the most menacing of gang banger territory. Protecting the cards and money? :rolleyes:

Go ahead, feel free to flame away...
 
So if you live next to a funeral parlor, there would be zero reason to own firearms? Wow, never thought of it that way...because apparently, funeral parlors, and the areas surrounding them are complete bastions of unfaltering safety. :)
 
Rockrivr:

I'm very sorry to hear of your experience.

I would give a looooooooong, hard thought to whether this is really, truly the woman you want to share the REST OF YOUR LIFE with.

I firmly believe that a person's views on guns is an excellent and accurate indicator about their beliefs on a myriad of other issues and is a good insight into the type of person they truly are at the core of their being.

Funeral or not, what she did was grossly inappropriate, extremely rude to you, and showing a complete lack of consideration for you.

That alone would make me instantly tell you to dump that _____ quick.

It won't get better. You cannot change who someone fundamentally is.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and being single is FUN! More money for guns, ask out any hottie you lay eyes on, no one to report to, etc. etc. :D
 
Rockrivr if your taste in women is as good as it is in snubbies, you have a winner!

Best wished for a long, happy, and cordite filled future.

Mongo
 
So frandy...you are supposed to ask her if you can carry your gun and be ready to defend yourself?

Sorry but thats a no go. ANY place you go your are unlikly to be attacked. That doesn't mean not possible, it simply means that it isn't likly, in fact the odds are you will go through your entire life and never need to draw your gun on someone but that doesnt mean you don't. Next are you going to ask if you can carry to the bank? The market? On your sunday drive?

Thats how you want it thats your buisness but asking if it is ok to carry certian places because she doesnt like it is unadvisable. She doesn't have to like all the things you do and in turn you don't have to like all the things she does. But if you can't accept the things the other person does that you don't like then that isn't exactly the key to happiness for most people.
 
sturmruger said:
The last funeral in my family there was close to $1000 in cash in the hallmark cards!! I think that is worth putting somewhere safe.


Rock don't listen to all of these guys. There are people such as myself who got married to a women who was less then enthused about my gun collectoin. Now that I have had 6 years to work on her she has come around in a big way. Many times when we are in a bad part of town she will pat my waist to make herself feel better. Her feeling my gun always puts her at ease and she gets a cute little smile on her face. It always makes me feel good because I know she feels more secure with me and my gun being in close proximity. This is not a deal breaker she just needs some more time to come around. Work on her slowly and after a few years you will be in good shape.
Click to expand...



I disagree completely.

Forget the guns; she was, as another poster pointed out, taking out her grief ON HIM.

That is unacceptable and the hallmark of an extremely immature person.
 
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