A Phazer would be my choice. But since that's science fiction, and we don't have any available, then the biggest bullet you and your wife can shoot well. IMO the .45 ACP or even the .44 mag isn't enough. But if you have to defend yourself and do it with a handgun, bigger is better. Tissue damage is what is needed, and wide heavy mass bullets, that expand well, does the most damage.
I shoot .357/.38's, .40's, .45's, and when I have to, a .44 mag. I shoot friends .9mm's.
.9mm's ought to be loaded and reloaded with +P loads minimum, and you may need all 19 rounds in an Springfield XPm to stop a feel-no-pain, drugged out crazy. If I bought my own 9mm I'd buy that gun for that reason.
Pluses are capacity, and cheapest ammo, and low recoil if you buy an all steel gun. Minuses, if you can't keep it loaded with +P, then you better be good at head shots.
.357/.38: Revolvers are easiest for beginners to shoot and and probably the hardest to make make malfunction. They only have 5 or 6 shots, but that's better than a stove-piped pistol in the hands of a beginner. Practicing with .38 is a dream, loading .357's for bad guys and occasional practice, so you know what you're in for, is a good idea.
.40's are best for people who buy tiny light CCW's because they can't stand to carry a big 19ll or XD, but want more destructive power than a 9mm. They are
less easy to reload safely for, than .45 or .9mm. They are dangerous to reload if you buy a Glock and you don't know exactly what you're doing. Chambering and unchambering a specific round over and over makes them "shorter" and even 1/10" shorter doubles pressure. They recoil and are louder than 9mm, OR .45 ACP.
I shot 3 Kahr's side by side, a 9mm., a .40, and a .45. (all three light plastic wonders) The 9mm and the .45 recoiled similarly...the .40 felt more like a magnum. I shot 50 rounds out of each.
My daughter recently took a course from the local police dept. on self-defense for women. They instructed them on Glock .40 S&W and Glock 9mm's. They scared the hell out of her, because either of those plastic fantastics recoil too hard for a small unexperienced, unprepared hand.
My fault for not "pre-training" her and for expecting the police training to be good. She came by the house after the shooting session and she was still shaking....said she didn't think she wanted to shoot pistols ever again.
I talked her into one more try at the range the following Saturday, and started with .38's in my heavy Ruger Security Six, properly instructed in stance, hold, and expectations. She did fine...was smiling from ear to ear. Then I did the same with my heavy S.S. Kimber full size 1911. Same thing. She's all happy now and no longer frightened of those "mean" Glocks.
Which gun did she enjoy the most..........the Kimber .45. Why? A mild-mannered recoil and a powerful round to boot....and it points well for her......I've since repented, and I take me daughters shooting a lot now and I teach them how to stay out of trouble with those "most to learn about" pistols. Choose wisely.... and I'd suggest the price of ammo ought to be secondary where your lives are concerned.