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Tactical Beards?

Discussion in 'Strategies, Tactics, and Training' started by Cosmoline, Aug 25, 2005.

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  1. Cosmoline

    Cosmoline Member

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    Reading about some bear maulings got me thinking about the importance of head hair in forming clots to stop profuse head bleeding. I then got to wondering about the significance of a large beard in protecting the neck and face. A mass of hair does indeed seem to resist slashing attacks. What say you? Should a long sourdough beard now be sported as part of the tactical gear?
     
  2. zahc

    zahc Member

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    I know many bowhunters that stop shaving for deer season. Camo, you know.
     
  3. CAnnoneer

    CAnnoneer Member

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    I used to have a Castro beard in college (go figure, liberal classmates called me "evil fascist" at the time :rolleyes: ) and that thing is as HOT as a wool scarf! A distinct advantage in colder climates where bears roam.

    A better "bear" function methinks is that the beard produces a false contour for your face. Bear swings to crush your jaw, but gets a paw-full of hairs instead :D
     
  4. Preacherman

    Preacherman Member

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    You'd better not wear a goatee... you might get the bear's goat! :D
     
  5. torpid

    torpid Member

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    Yes, but remember, the beard is only tactical only if it is black.
    Also, you can additionally weave your beard into a kevlar-like energy dispersing pattern for resisting projectiles.

    The Tactical Beard can also be used to store extra ammunition, and the food crumb buildup can easily serve as emergency rations during SHTF scenarios.

    In dire circumstances, the Tactical Beard can be ignited to form a signaling device that can be seen for up to 1/2 mile.

    .
     
  6. Luchtaine

    Luchtaine Member

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    you could weave lanyards into it to hold extra side arms too.
     
  7. Polishrifleman

    Polishrifleman Member

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    Make sure to grow it long enough to keep the ice buildup away from your face durring the cold months. There's nothing like walking around with an ice face. :D
     
  8. Cosmoline

    Cosmoline Member

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    I love my ice beard. I had a heck of a one going last winter working outside at twenty and thirty below. It gets hard enough I suspect it would stop a blade--maybe shatter it :D

    I like the beard lanyard idea! I can be a tactical sourdough
     
  9. Dr.Rob

    Dr.Rob Moderator Staff Member

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    Tactical use of the beard:

    1. Keep warm in cold climates.

    2. Look friendlier to the local natives.

    3. Scare small children.

    4. Look friendlier to local wildlife.

    5. Place to store spare foodstuff (see #3 and add women to the list)

    Beard drawback: cool black tactical balaclava/gas mask won't fit.
     
  10. John Deere

    John Deere Member

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    You aways have something to wipe your hands on.
    Add a couple of chcken bones to it for that "tribal" look when undercover.
    The tactical beard also comes in "coyote brown" and desert tan, to match your AR.
    If large enough, it can double as an impromptu ghillie suit.
    Various erotic uses that ladies love, but we won`t talk about.
    Great place to keep "little friends" (a couple of crickets singing to you will cheer up most any death-defying situation).
    And the #1 use of the tactical beard....with a neck holster, you can CCW in a nudist colony.
     
  11. mattw

    mattw Member

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    this has to be the funniest thread i've ever seen on here!
     
  12. spacemanspiff

    spacemanspiff Senior Member

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    hitting the pain meds pretty hard, are we preacherman? :neener:


    as far as 'tactical beards' i gotta refer back to my indigenous peeps. we have little facial hair and didnt go extinct from bears smacking us around. thats the one aspect of native genetics that my personal lineage has preserved. i have a grand total of 4 hairs that grow on my cheeks/jaw, about 20 on my chin, and maybe 40 on a good day on the upper lip.

    but who knows? that guy grizzly adams seemed to do pretty good with the bears. better than the '**** timothy treadwell. :D
     
  13. Ryder

    Ryder Member

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    Don't think clotting matters after your head has torn off your body. Camoflage is definately a beards most important aspect and not just from animals at a disatance.

    Tactically speaking a full beard hides your facial muscles preventing others from reading clues to your intentions. This can aid in achieving a poker face and helps to confound opponants in a confrontation.

    That's my theory on that but it's not my motivation for having one. Shaving only twice a year saves me a significant amount of time and money. Heck, I could probably even afford to get car insurance from Gyco!
     
  14. Cosmoline

    Cosmoline Member

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    Spiff--you can at least grow them into handy lanyards :D
     
  15. 71Commander

    71Commander Member

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    I haven't had a shave or haircut in fifteen years. I do trim my beard twice a year. Once before Christmas and once in June, July, whatever. :D

    Scruffy is the rule of the day. ;)
     
  16. CAnnoneer

    CAnnoneer Member

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    I wish I could go biblical too, but Kali is too damn hot for that :evil:
     
  17. migoi

    migoi Member

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    The last time I shaved...

    December 29, 1986. Trimmed it occasionally for many years..not so for the last 2. It seems to have reached a type of length plateau at around my zyphoid process.

    I don't know about any tactical advantages but it makes it almost impossible for me to get away with anything...I'm usually the only large, hairy white guy in the room during most of the things I do here in Hawaii.

    Too hot? Bah

    migoi
     
  18. coonan357

    coonan357 Member

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    use it for a light beacon that can be seen a half mile away Are you Nuts !!! it will smolder and you can be heard Yelling a half mile away !!!! :cuss: :cuss: (I caught mine on fire during the summer while welding ) :what: :eek: and looked like this little guy -> :fire:
     
  19. CT Yankee

    CT Yankee Member

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    I hate to rain on your parade, but a beard of that size would make a nice little handle for the enemy to grab onto in a fight. Of course, that wouldn't really matter if you pulled out one of the sidearms stashed in there, would it? :evil:

    w00t! First post! :)
     
  20. Ryder

    Ryder Member

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    Unless the guy has grabbed a single lip hair like my coat zipper does on occasion :what: I don't see the grabbing of beard as a problem. For one thing it means he isn't hitting me and for another it makes biting easy. I'd take his hand clean off :D

    Edit to add - Welcome CT!
     
  21. Hardware

    Hardware Member

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    Since it is about time for me to grow my annual beard in order to play St. Nick I can chime in on this. My beard has really weak roots, anybody grabs it and tries to throw me around they are going to come away with a handfull of whiskers. Then they are going to have a really PO'd me squarely in the middle of their sh*t! That hurts! The bad thing about my beard is it is curly to the point of being nappy. So, no neck protection to speak of. Make a good Santa beard when whitened with theatrical hair color though.

    And for those of you boys that can't grow a beard, puberty is a bitch, ain't it? :neener: I've had a beard off and on since I was 17.
     
  22. Warren

    Warren Member

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    So those of you with big soup-catchers just how big of a gun could you hide behind it?
     
  23. Cosmoline

    Cosmoline Member

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    Hardware--A daily tin of King Oscar brisling served on ryecrisp will give you the beardroots you desire.
     
  24. Agent P

    Agent P Member

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    Also useful for someone moonlighting as a ventriloquist.

    As for a beard being a possible handle for an opponent, you can look at it like the Klingons view long hair on a warrior: "Sure, it could be a liability, but I'm so brave and honorable and can kick your butt with a betleH! RAWR!" A Klingon wouldn't sound so lame, however.
     
  25. dasmi

    dasmi Member

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    Ugh. That one was just plain bad. :)
     
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