Writing a story:could use some feedback

[Red Tornado]

Still loving it and checking daily for updates.

Omaney, sorry about the spoiler, didn't realize people might not be up to date.

I don't have a gift for writing in general, or titles specifically, but I'll try:

How about:
The physics teacher who got caught up in a drug war and had to kill a lot of *******s and figure his way out of a huge mess while keeping his girlfriend safe.

Too wordy?
Hmmmm.....nope sorry, that's all I got. That's why I read a lot, instead of writing.
RT

 

[Billy Sparks]

I am now checking this thread multiples times a day for updates.

 

[Apple a Day]

I should have the first part of the ending up by the end of today. Bear with me!

 

[Oleg Volk]

Title ideas:

"Suburban Sun Tzu"
"Teacher-General"

 

[Apple a Day]

The Beginning of the End :Chapter 19 Part 1
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=294977729

 

[Oleg Volk]

Location description seemed over-long and confusing.

 

[ArfinGreebly]

Feedback?

I notice that in some chapters you do a fairly involved scene development, while in others you march pretty much straight into the meat of it.

As you go back over it, you might want to smooth that out some, possibly add a little framing in some places, pruning back a bit in others.

Very readable style.

Couple of places you switch from first person to third person or vice versa.

You might want to insert some kind of boundary to separate the first/third person observations.

Good detail on weapons.

Excellent description of what's needed to effect a stop ("poke enough holes") and how being comfortable with the weapon relates to that.

Overall, a fine piece of work.

 

[Apple a Day]

The End

Here's the last section. I need to get busy with some real work which is piling up. I hope anyone who read this far has enjoyed it. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=295900405

Regards,
Apple

 

[Hugo]

Neat story. Might want to throw some real world advice (like don't actually do what Haggard does) for teachers or students who have to deal with drugs and gangs in the authors notes. Maybe encourage them to give anonymous tips to the cops to help stop this crap.

 

[mrsig]

I liked the story. I look forward to your next.

- Sig

 

[jmark127]

Great story, the transition to the part where the T-Crew started wiping out the Fuegos was a kinda quick, but still a good story.

 

[larry_minn]

I just found story. Up to chapter 12. Do have to admit the main character is a idiot. Keeps digging himself deeper and deeper in. Every action is one that makes both sides SURE he is involved. (actually I am wondering if he is involved)
He never contacts Police (even when doing so would be safe) I.E. Tweak is on ground feeling great pain. Take Tweaks cell and call Police. Give address and say "I don't want to get involved but this guy tried to jump me with a sawed off shotgun. He got distracted and I was able to overpower him. He is a 3rd and Elm next to his car" Then leave. (after a couple extra hits on tweak) They find him with illegal shotgun with his prints on it and mounts for it in his car. (Still take Glock)

 

[Correia]

Finished it. I enjoyed it. You're a good writer. Very descriptive.

I'll send you a PM with my opinions, so as to not throw out a bunch of spoliers.

 

[ArfinGreebly]

Real World . . .

. . . real world advice (like don't actually do what Haggard does) . . .

But why?

His way is a lot more fun, and it accomplishes way more than the "best practices" that are so popular today.

I say, to heck with the "real world" approach!

 

[Apple a Day]

I appreciate all the input but I hope no one is taking any of this seriously. Okay, it might be a frog hair more realistic than the average zombie story but, seriously guys, it's just make believe!
That being said, I really would like to shoot a Kel Tec carbine some time.
Looking back on the story I have to admit it needs to be a lot longer. I tried to keep it short so as not to become overwhelming on the Internet. In the end I think it shortchanges the story and makes it seem choppy. I cut out a good bit and that was a mistake.
Again, much obliged to Oleg, Red Tornado, James, and the other folks who have caught my ;awful gruhmattikal- an Spelllingg errurs,! and who lent me style suggestions. Big thanks to Oleg for allowing me to post on his site (was that picture on a boat?). Special thanks to Correia for the encouragement.
Regards,
Apple/Erick

 

[trickyasafox]

THANK YOU FOR THE STORY APPLE! i found it all tonight and now i'll be up for several more hours!

 

[jobu07]

Great read!

 

[Joe7cri]

Great Story, I'll admit that I got a little bored/distracted with the long scenic descriptions and skimmed though them, but overall an excellent story. Thanks!