Writing a story:could use some feedback

[Correia]

Apple, I'm enjoying this. I'm only about half way through what you've posted, but you're doing a good job.

 

[Red Tornado]

Yeah, that's helped a lot.

 

[Apple a Day]

CAUTION: The mushy chapter!!!
Chapter 14: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=287548571

Don't fret, Red Tornado, next chapter is the BIG HIT. There will be blood, flames, guts, guns, and sarcasm!!! Mayhem mixed with a little Chaos and perhaps even a smidgen of Apocalypse!
Right now I gotta go have a meeting about the church website and then cut the grass. Real life is such a drudge. Thank, God.

 

[Apple a Day]

Chapter 15: The Great Raid or The Beginning of the End
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=287874676

And here's where posting has caught up with typing. I have the next chapter partially done. It will take a few days to finish it and get around to posting. Thanks to everyone so far who has offered suggestions and pointed out mistakes.

 

[Red Tornado]

Excellent battle. I especially liked that he gave all the newbies shotguns and buckshot. Much carnage; but he seems to be getting in deeper and deeper....the plot thickens!

 

[ozwyn]

good stuff, keep up the writing

 

[hjames000]

bump

 

[Apple a Day]

Okay, here's chapter 16:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=289218376

Chapter 17 will arrive next week. It's going to be a doozy.

 

[ozwyn]

good stuff, looking forward to the next chapter

 

[Apple a Day]

Sorry that took a while. I was out of town doing the family vacation thing.
For anyone waiting, here's chapter 17. A nasty turn. It hurt just writing this.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=291006835

 

[Apple a Day]

addition to chapter 17

I put this little bit together as an addition to chapter 17. I'm not sure it fits well enough to keep it. Let me know what you think:

Chapter 17A:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=291731345

 

[Apple a Day]

Soooooo..... either no one has an opinion (which never happens) or no one is actually reading this.

 

[robert garner]

Hey! Apple;
some of us droogs gotta work!
reads fine!
robert

 

[ozwyn]

definitely still reading, hoping for the next chapter

 

[Red Tornado]

Yeah, that was a bombshell. I figured he had to get rid of T-Crew somehow, but did he set them up for a Fuegos hit? That's cold blooded, if so. Of course, still got to get rid of the Fuegos now.
It's going great, I'm still waiting on pins and needles for new chapters.
RT

 

[mrsig]

Apple,

This is great. I do like the addition to the last chapter.

- Sig

 

[Apple a Day]

I'm going to keep the addition but rewrite it at some point and include more detail and dialogue to make it flow better. I appreciate the feedback.
I still don't have a title. I could really use some suggestions if anyone has them!
More coming soon. It's nearly to the finale.

 

[Omaney]

Spoilers!!!

Yeah, that was a bombshell. I figured he had to get rid of T-Crew somehow, but did he set them up for a Fuegos hit? That's cold blooded, if so. Of course, still got to get rid of the Fuegos now.

C'mon Red...let me catch up!!

 

[Apple a Day]

I'm still looking for some title suggestions!

CHapter 18 is getting big so I'm going to post it in sections.
Section A:http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=293203651

 

[Oleg Volk]

The only question I have is about the overly colloquial speech of the main character.

 

[Apple a Day]

Oleg,
I started the story just for myself and I thought it would be fun to use a sort of cheesy Mike Hammer/Mickey Spillane(sp?) voice sort of like in an old dime-store detective novel. I may change that when/if I do a rewrite. I can see how it might make reading a little challenging. It's another thing to ponder. At the moment I am going to finish the last couple of chapters as it is to maintain continuity but I appreciate the input.
I'm still looking for title suggestions.

 

[ozwyn]

A little bump and looking forward to the rest of the story

 

[Correia]

Titles are tough.

School's Out

After School Special

Continuing Education

 

[Apple a Day]

Here is the rest of chapter 18. I posted the latter body of chapter 18 first and this is a bit of a little backfill.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=210849023&blogID=294226018

I am banging away on the ending. This will be it, sportsfans, the finale cometh.

 

[Correia]

I've got comments on the plotting, but I'll save those for when you're done.

And I don't have any problem with the way the main character talks. Sorry, Oleg. The voice has a distinct personality, which keeps it from falling into the plain vanilla of so much online fiction.