Your Tax dollars at work

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Vernal45

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SWAT Team Wants Monkey to Join Up

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

MESA, Ariz. — The Mesa Police Department is looking to add some primal instinct to its SWAT team. And to do that, it's looking to a monkey.

"Everybody laughs about it until they really start thinking about it," said Mesa Officer Sean Truelove, who builds and operates tactical robots for the suburban Phoenix SWAT team. "It would change the way we do business."

Truelove is spearheading the department's request to purchase and train a capuchin monkey (search), considered the second smartest primate to the chimpanzee. The department is seeking about $100,000 in federal grant money to put the idea to use in Mesa SWAT operations.

The monkey, which costs $15,000, is what Truelove envisions as the ultimate SWAT reconnaissance tool.

Since 1979, capuchin monkeys have been trained to be companions for people who are quadriplegics (search) by performing daily tasks, such as serving food, opening and closing doors, turning lights on and off, retrieving objects and brushing hair.

Truelove hopes the same training could prepare a monkey for special-ops intelligence.

Weighing only 3 to 8 pounds with tiny humanlike hands and puzzle-solving skills, Truelove said it could unlock doors, search buildings and find suicide victims on command. Dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera and two-way radio, the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go.

It has been a little over a year since Truelove filed a grant proposal with the U.S. Department of Defense under the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (search), and he is still waiting for word.

If the grant goes through, Truelove plans on learning how to train the monkey himself and keeping the sociable monkey at home, just like a K-9 officer would. He projects that $85,000 in grant money would outfit the monkey with gear and pay for veterinarian care, food and habitat for three years.
 
You want to touch my monkey?

How utterly ridiculous. Get the taxpayers to buy you a $15k pet AND make it tacticool too? I hope someone has the good sense to deny this request.

Oh, sorry, what was I thinking? They'll probably think it is such a good idea, they'll give him $200k. Especially if he can teach to monkey to do "performance art".
 
A lot of money to spend on something that needs trainers, food, shelter, etc that can be easily killed. Besides the monkey might go ape and bite your fingers and testicles off.....
 
At first I balked at the idea, but after giving it some thought it isn't as ridiculous as it may seem. We're already using dogs, seals, dolphins, and more to help with duties that many would've claimed to be beyond their range.

Just be sure to keep the it away from any copies of "Monkey Shines". :D
 
I have this visual of a monkey all dressed up in SWAT ninja clothes. :D

Somebody has way too much time on their hands to be dreamin this crap up!
 
Truelove said it could unlock doors, search buildings and find suicide victims on command.
Yep, those are tasks that are especially suited to monkeys. Way out of the realm of human abilities.

At least dolphins and dogs have skills that humans don't.

Where's that photo of the chimp holding a Glock?
 
Daemon688, you say that the monkey can be easily killed. That's true, that's also the idea. The monkey should be taking a bullet, not an officer.
 
$ 15,000.00 would be worth it if they were getting King Kong, but since they are not it seems like a big waste.
 
I don't know, this could go somewhere. Is it illegal for a monkey to search your house? Maybe this is a flank attack on our fourth amendment rights. After all, what can we do, sue the monkey? :scrutiny:
 
Hey, this is a perfect job "that americans wont do." Why should we pay 100k for a monkey when we can have a mexican disarm bombs for 5 dollars an hour. It's even in Arizona, so getting an endless stream of volunteers shouldnt be difficult.

If I see a monkey in my house, he better be wearing a trauma plate or he is going to be in a world of hurt.
 
Well, about what I've come to expect around here ... the law enforcement establishment gets routinely slammed for doing business the way it's always done business, but then when one department displays a willingness to actually try something new, that idea gets held up to ridicule as well.

Before the K-9s became widely used by the military and LE, wonder how everyone felt about their tax dollars getting used for the training of dogs? I hate monkeys (a result of a couple unpleasant encounters with simians in Asian jungles), but I'm pretty sure some species of 'em are smarter than a lot of our dog breeds ... And since I've had the pleasure to work with some awesome K-9s, as well as witnessing firsthand some of the neat capabilities of the Navy's marine mammal program, I ask, why should anyone have a problem spending a relatively modest amount of money to try using monkeys?
 
Daemon688, you say that the monkey can be easily killed. That's true, that's also the idea. The monkey should be taking a bullet, not an officer.

Don't they have machines to enter houses? It is easier to replace some metal, wires, and a camera than a trained monkey.
 
Old Dog,

I was being sarcastic. They may have a use. My first immediate thought was how they use dogs. Although for $100k you can buy an awful lot of equipment if you shop it. Especially LEO only weaponry.

I think the officer should just proceed with his own money, and if it looks good we reimburse 'em.

By the way anybody know how canines are treated? Property or Officer? What if you shoot a K-9? Are you arrested for shooting an officer, or animal cruelty?

P.S. I think we ought to start using pigs over in Iraq. Use them for blowing up IED's. Push a pig through the streets, blow up the bomb. Or run a herd of pigs at insurgents. I'm sure if you're popping off pigs around a bunch of Iraqi's and getting blood and pig parts all over them they are less likely to make it to "paradise".

Of course I'm dreaming, I'll bet it would be considered biological warfare or something...still the pig potential is staggering.
 
I remind you again that illegal aliens are a million times more numerous than exotic monkey species, cost less, dont need to be given kevlar, and can even take verbal commands if you speak spanish.

Forget the monkeys- think of all the money we could save by outsourcing.
 
You're all laughing but this is how all that Planet of the Apes crap got started. No, really?


















On a more serious note, I just think this idiot is looking to get a free monkey out of this deal. Maybe he can get Jackos. He won't be needing it soon anyway.

Greg
 
I remind you again that illegal aliens are a million times more numerous than exotic monkey species, cost less, dont need to be given kevlar, and can even take verbal commands if you speak spanish.


I second that...


hehehe :D
 
grand_Capucin.jpg


OK, Photoshoppers, have at it.
 
Re: fourth amendment.

Recent court ruling:

Drug k9's sniffing around cars doesn't constitute a "search"; they are merely sampling the air wafting around a vehicle - not actually seaching private property.

Anticipated monkey court (as opposed to kangaroo court) ruling:

Put a video camera on a monkey and send him in...doesn't constitute a "search"; they are merely sampling the photons eminating from your private property.

From Seinfeld:

Jerry: You got in a fight with a monkey?
Kramer: But he started it, Jerry!
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**Statists, JBT's, various hydro-cephalics; all CHEER! the latest innovations in law enforcement!!!**
 
they could have them wear little signs that said "surrender" in 15 different languages and give them a little revolving red light and siren atop a little hard hat when things got "hairy"..


I can see it now...elderly ladys' pet schnauzer attacked by crazed monkey.
 
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