SWAT Team Wants Monkey to Join Up

[MDG1976]

This is so insane. It has to be a joke.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,153878,00.html

SWAT Team Wants Monkey to Join Up
Tuesday, April 19, 2005

MESA, Ariz. — The Mesa Police Department is looking to add some primal instinct to its SWAT team. And to do that, it's looking to a monkey.

"Everybody laughs about it until they really start thinking about it," said Mesa Officer Sean Truelove, who builds and operates tactical robots for the suburban Phoenix SWAT team. "It would change the way we do business."

Truelove is spearheading the department's request to purchase and train a capuchin monkey (search), considered the second smartest primate to the chimpanzee. The department is seeking about $100,000 in federal grant money to put the idea to use in Mesa SWAT operations.

The monkey, which costs $15,000, is what Truelove envisions as the ultimate SWAT reconnaissance tool.

Since 1979, capuchin monkeys have been trained to be companions for people who are quadriplegics (search) by performing daily tasks, such as serving food, opening and closing doors, turning lights on and off, retrieving objects and brushing hair.

Truelove hopes the same training could prepare a monkey for special-ops intelligence.

Weighing only 3 to 8 pounds with tiny humanlike hands and puzzle-solving skills, Truelove said it could unlock doors, search buildings and find suicide victims on command. Dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera and two-way radio, the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go.

 

[Biker]

Ninja Monkeys with two-way radios. They ought at least give the little bugger a Raven 25.
Biker

 

[MDG1976]

Why on Earth would a monkey need a 2 way radio? I didn't know they could speak.

 

[Janitor]

Why on Earth would a monkey need a 2 way radio? I didn't know they could speak.

I was wondering the same thing.
......................

This is so amazingly cool. I'm really hoping that they'll have some SOG dwarf clowns to handle the monkeys.
-

 

[bogie]

Kevlar vest?

Tell ya what... Put a 1" steel plate on the bugger's little chest, and shoot it with a .380, and you'll still have an ex-monkey...

 

[armoredman]

They order, he squeaks that he heard, two way radio. Have to be VOX.
This really brings back the whole patrol monkey joke....

 

[The-Fly]

why bother with a junky .25, the monkey can just fling monkey doo-doo at perps

 

[exoduster18]

Uuuummmmm.......I thought SWAT was a life-saving organization and not a circus? Am I wrong? Sorry for the pun from the movie SWAT. LOL.

But exactly how does a monkey change "the way we do business"?

Can you imagine that converstaion?

Higher-up: We need a new image
Yes-man: Yes we do, any ideas?
Higher-up: No, you?
Yes-man: I know, let's get a monkey!
Higher-up: I know, let's get a monkey!
Yes-man: Great idea!
Higher-up: Let's mount him a camera, a 2-way radio, a remote-controlled turret gun, and some night-vision. He'll be the Sam Fisher of monkeys!
Yes-man: Excellent idea!
Higher-up: We'll train him for recon work. Oh and to use all of the fancy, High-drag, Low speed, tacti-cool gear we'll give him.
Yes-man: Great!
Higher-up: But what of the funding involved?
Yes-man: We'll just take the other officer's gear and then train more more monkeys for the work. It'd be cheaper and there would be less complaining, no vacation pay to worry about, no hazard-pay, and did I mention less complaining?
Higher-up: We'll just take the other officer's gear and then train more more monkeys for the work. It'd be cheaper and there would be less complaining, no vacation pay to worry about, no hazard-pay, and did I mention less complaining?
Yes-man: Great idea again sir!

We can all see where this is gonna lead.....

 

[kage genin]

Sounds like somebody got inspired by the "Trunk Monkey" commercials and realized that trained monkeys can truly be a valuable anti-criminal asset. I know I've wanted a Trunk Monkey as soon as I saw the commercial. What a fantastic idea! It's about time we've come to recognize the value of our simian friends.

It's only a matter of time now before California begins a movement to give drivers licenses to all SWAT Monkeys (they'll drive anyway).

 

[Henry Bowman]

I'm sure PETA will have an opinion on this as well.

 

[exoduster18]

PETA has an opinion on everything. They'll try to get rules stipulated that the monkey will have to armed and equal to the human officer in every size, shape, and form.

In the end the monkey will end up being better trained than the human swat officers and probably better equipped.

 

[db_tanker]

Sounds like somebody got inspired by the "Trunk Monkey" commercials QUOTE]


Don't forget the "Bathroom Monkey"....


Special patrol vehicle for SWAT monkey would be polkadot VW Beetle driven by out of work clown?

I like this idea...it would make the perps laugh themselves into submission.

 

[exoduster18]

Make them laugh.....or pi$$ themselves in fear of the SWAT Monkey!

The scene: A hostage situation in which the hostage and the hostage-taker have been barricaded for 6 hours. Out of all options as there is only one way in and they are afraid of using an Arleighgram for fear of dropping in on top of the hostage. They send in SWAT Monkey!! He goes in, with his little camera, he shows everything to the SWAT Team in the command vehicle. Ooh, he finds a banana!! Yum, the monkey thinks. He is now threatening the hostage-taker with the banana. The hostage is like "*** is this?" The monkey then procedes to throw the banana away and distract the hostage-taker. The hostage-taker looks away as the monkey pulls his .45 and puts 2 into the perp. The hostage-taker is no longer a threat. The hostage is now in the monkey arms as he walks out the door. Next thing they are being tossed through the air as the haouse explodes. Both are alright and the monkey is congratulated with a year's supply of bananas.

Hollywierd could have a good children's movie.....Oh and as for Hollywierd: The idea is MINE!!!! So step-off!!

Sorry guys, but this is what boredom, caffiene, and not having slept at all in 20 hours do to a person. I think I'm going to bed. I'm so tired I can't sleep.

 

[HankB]

Maybe these folks have been reading too many books by L. Neal Smith . . .

A few years ago, there was a story about a town that wouldn't hire a prospective officer if he tested too high on an I.Q. test. I guess this is the ultimate result.

Hmmm . . . if you're going this route, why not forget the capuchin monkey and just use a gorilla instead?

 

[wingnutx]

I read a few years ago that drug dealers in France were siccing trained monkeys on their adversaries. Real life trunk-monkeys!

 

[exoduster18]

Gorillas are to hard to train I would think. Use a Wolverilla!!

 

[Phyphor]

Why on Earth would a monkey need a 2 way radio? I didn't know they could speak.

No, but the radio could concievably be used to listen in....

 

[HighVelocity]

Do a Google Image Search for SWAT Monkey

This is what the Capuchin monkey looks like. It's the one used in the movie "Outbreak" and the pet on "Friends"

 

[ArmedBear]

Kevlar vest?

Tell ya what... Put a 1" steel plate on the bugger's little chest, and shoot it with a .380, and you'll still have an ex-monkey...

The bullet might not kill him, but going through a couple layers of drywall and a stud or two would.

BTW what's a suicide "victim?" Isn't it a suicide perpetrator?

It would be really cool if they could use the monkey to infiltrate ALF or some other animal-rights terrorist organization.

It's also a lot easier to build a jet-pack for a small monkey than a human. That has real potential.

WRT California, I don't doubt that the first time a SWAT cop falls in love with his/her monkey, there will be protests in the streets supporting their right to get married.

 

[HighVelocity]

Chew on this... It just occured to me that if this little monkey can be trained to find people within a structure while packing electronics then the next thing they'll be doing is making miniature suicide bombers out of them.

 

[Biker]

I can't provide a link, but I recall reading a week or so back where dogs are being trained as suicide bombers.
What a F'd up world we live in.
Biker

 

[The_Antibubba]

Gives a whole new meaning to "Banana clip"

"So, like, me and my bud Brett and me are sittin' around, and I'm packin' the bowl with some killer Kona, and Brett's like, 'Dude! It's a monkey', and I'm like, 'Dude, I'm busy here' and he's all, 'No, dude, it's a REAL monkey!' and I look up, and and, dude, there's a little monkey like standin' in the window! And I said, 'Whoa! It's like the one that dude standin' on the corner in that cartoon had-y'know, that danced when the music came on?" So I said, 'Hey little dude, do that dance! Do that dance!' And the monkey like runs over to the door like he wants out, and Brett says, 'Whoa man, I think he wants out' and I said, 'No s**t Sherlock'. So I'm about to open the door, and I hear a big boom, and there's like a big flash of light!

And that's the last thing I remember, Your honor."

 

[HankB]

I can't provide a link, but I recall reading a week or so back where dogs are being trained as suicide bombers. What a F'd up world we live in.

Soviets did that in WWII . . . Fidoski had a bomb strapped on, and was trained to run under a Panzer . . .

 

[lee n. field]

Truelove is spearheading the department's request to purchase and train a capuchin monkey (search), considered the second smartest primate to the chimpanzee.

My recollection (from earning a B.S. in Anthropology many moons ago) is that the New World monkeys are way down the list, smarts wise. Chimps, gorillas, gibbons and siamangs, at the very least, would be ahead,

Somebody wants the Feds to pay for an interesting pet.

 

[lawson]

i've never been so proud of the town i live in.

this sounds more like one of Sheriff Arpaio's ideas.